Profile Of A Narcissistic Vampire

Let me introduce you to someone. He/she is probably similar to someone you have in your own life. So lets see if you can relate.

A young boy, whose mother is selfish and egotistical, watches as she manipulates others. She is constantly the consummate victim. From her perspective, people are always slighting her or hurting her in some way. From other people's perspectives, she is deemed a drama queen and 'emotionally needy'.

As he grows, he watches as she is emotionally distant from him, is overly critical of even the slightest mistake he makes, and holds such extreme expectations of him that he can never measure up. And because of this, he is often left with feelings of inadequacy and shame.

As he grows up, he begins to do poorly in school. He covers the inadequacy in his academics with being popular. Perhaps he plays a sport full of competition and aggression, such as football. And he blames his lack of academic excellence on his teachers, his parents, his sport, and/or his friends.

This tendency toward aggression shows itself in other ways, as well, as he bullies other students who are smaller than he is, smarter than he is, or possess a quality he does not like. And this can be from simple mocking of someone deemed 'undesireable' to outright bullying through the use of his fists.

In his intimate relationships, he chooses women who are emotionally needy and easily manipulated. He needs a partner who will fawn over him, adore him, mirror his emotions, and stroke his ego. Often times, he places any perceived errors in judgment he has at their door. And he always places himself above them, making his accomplishments of greater importance than his partners, even to the point of making theirs nonexistent.

While in high school he takes a part time job. He loves the feel of ready cash in his pocket. And on a whim decides to quit school and goto work full time. It is a minimum wage job which earns him the money he needs for his immediate interests.

As he turns 18, he decides to move out on his own. And he asks his current girlfriend, who has been finishing up her senior year of high school to move in with him. She is in alt at the prospect because he went from popular jock to bad boy. And so she agrees, believing they are soulmates and/or twin flames.

She graduates high school, before she moves in with him. He is strangely absent from her graduation ceremony on the excuse he has to work. And as she moves in with him, he spends alot of time talking about the good ol' days when he was a football star, while excluding any discussion about her recent graduation.

Time moves forward. They've been together for a year. She's slowly lost touch with all of her friends and has even become extremely distant with her family, speaking with them by phone only sporadically. She works a menial job, having only a high school education, and yet she brings more money in than her boyfriend.

He has continued working, and yet he has begun to job hop. This is because he believes, with each job he takes, he has been belittled or not used to his fullest potential. He feels like they don't appreciate what a good thing they have. So he moves on, with the knowledge that he is meant for bigger and better things than their limited use of his skills.

With each new job, comes bouts of anger and frustration. And this is usually taken out on his isolated girlfriend. He blames them for not seeing his full potential and he blames her for making more money than he does. So he laughs at her and demeans her by calling her job meaningless and her worthless.

Finally, he stops working all together, because he can not find a job. He uses the excuse that no one wants to hire him because he is to much for them to handle. So the sole income coming into the household is that of the girlfriend.

When she is done working a shift, returning home is like a living hell. This is because he is home all the time and now has the time to brood and obsess about what is happening to him. So he begins to take his frustrations out on her ~ physically.

At first its a bruise here and a scratch there. But then it begins to escalate into more violent behavior. And anything can set his temper off, even a perceived slight or a misunderstood comment.

Finally, she reaches the limit of what she can take when he threatens her life. And she leaves him and rushes to her family for support.

He is angry and feels belittled/abused by the one person he thought he could count on. So he begins stalking her. And one day, in a fit of anguish and rage, he ends her life.

Its a long story isn't it? Perhaps you can relate, perhaps not. Perhaps this is an image of your own life. Perhaps you know someone like this, whether its the man or the woman. And perhaps you had a parent like his.

The Definitions

Personality: Personal beliefs, expectations, desires, values, and behaviors that derive from the interaction between culture and the individual. Personality is the behaviors and techniques for solving problems that are used by an individual. Personality is to the individual as culture is to the group.

Personality: A set of qualities that make a person (or thing) distinct from another.

Trait a distinguishing feature of your personal nature or personality

Maturity: noun. 1. a being full-grown or ripe, 2. a being fully developed, complete, or ready, 3. a becoming due (Webster's New World Dictionary).

Narcissism, also called malignant self love, describes the trait of excessive self-love, based on self-image or ego. The terms narcissism, narcissistic, and narcissist are often used as pejoratives, denoting vanity, conceit, egotism or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others.

The Narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness. It is also colloquially referred to as "the god complex".

Emotional Dissociation is a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia. The term dissociation refers to the act of separating or the state of being separated.

Another way of looking at in traditional psychology, Emotional Dissociation is the unconscious process of separating certain thoughts or behaviors from a person's identity or belief system.

In other schools of thought, such as NLP, dissociation describes the separation of various components of our experience from one another, for example separating the unpleasant feelings from a memory from the visual stimulus that triggered those feelings.

Dissociation may be contrasted with association; a person is associated into their feelings when on recalling an event they still get some of the feelings associated with the event, as if they were reliving the episode. When a person is dissociated they do relive the feelings that they had at the time, they are as it were at one remove from the emotions.

Narcissism Criteria

The DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder are:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of the following:

1. a grandiose sense of self-importance

2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3. believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

4. requires excessive admiration

5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The Progression

Now that we've seen some definitions and the criteria for narcissism, lets look at the slow progression of this man's life. Because within it are two personality disorder types which tend to feed off one another.

In the formative years of this young man's life, he was subjected to a parent who was both selfish and egotistical, to the point of neglect and out right emotional and psychological abuse. She had to be the center of attention. And this was the working model of an adult he had to model himself after.

As he grew older, and could not live up to his mother's grandiose expectations, he fell into a pattern of aggressive behavior which only got progressively worse with age. When he started to rebel against those expectations, he stopped attempting to deal with the reality of his life and instead turned to his own ego, to act as a salve to his wounded heart. And in the progression of his life, when one thing after another failed his expectations, he would shield his own wounded pride and ego by placing the blame on others.

In terms of emotional maturity, I'll first refer you to the signs and symptoms of emotional maturity and immaturity.

Signs Of Emotional Immaturity

1. Taking no responsibility for what happens. If a person consistently plays "victim" about events and is unable to reflect on what he or she did to contribute to the result, it's a red light. Accountability is the sign of the opposite: mature people consider what they did - and might have otherwise done - for the result at hand. They also take responsibility for the actions.

2. Making conversations "all about me". An emotionally immature person steers conversations to ensure he or she is the center of the topic. Immature people also interpret discussions about issues through a "personal filter" that makes the issue about them. They have difficulty separating issues from their ego or personal reactions to the topic.

3. Talk more than listen. Authentic listening requires one to learn about the views and thoughts of others. As a result of it, people deepen their understanding, compassion and empathy. An immature person does not take the time to do this. As a result, they cannot deepen their emotional awareness.

4. Quick to anger or blow a fuse. Emotionally immature people react impatiently, throw a tantrum, swear, act out or get belligerent when things don't go the way they want or expect. They do not mange frustration with the realities of life well, nor manage easily unexpected transitions in processes or routines. Rather than draw on inner tolerance or belief in oneself to manage change, the emotionally immature have a melt-down. An emotionally mature person takes an inner look, reflects, considers the best outcome desired and decides what action will most likely bring that about.

5. Makes thinking errors. Many of the behaviors of the emotionally immature come from flaws in their logic. They often misinterpret social cues, jump to conclusions that are not well thought through or get stuck by beliefs about themselves or others that make it difficult for them to see their own error in thought. It's a form of mental stubbornness. An emotionally mature person opens up to others suggestions or reasoning and considers how it might alter how to consider a topic differently.

It's common to see these behaviors in children, to which we can say "time is on their side". It becomes less easy to be patient with these behaviors when an adult does them. It is easy to disparage such a person by saying "he's juvenile" or "she's high maintenance" behind his or her back. Consider this: it takes emotional maturity to sit down with such a person and candidly suggest, instead, personal counseling or coaching. It could change a life to show someone cares.

Characteristics Of Emotional Maturity

1. The ability to experience and understand our own deepest feelings and needs, and to be able to act on and express these feelings and needs in appropriate and constructive ways. This is opposite from "acting-out" our needs in unconscious, destructive patterns of behavior. This aspect of maturity includes the ability to experience and tolerate especially intense feelings - which inevitably occur in life - and to be able to appropriately express these feelings, or contain them until an appropriate and responsible means for expressing them is available.

2. The ability to act on and react to life circumstances with intelligence, sound judgment and wisdom. This aspect of maturity is opposite the tendency to act impulsively, without taking the opportunity to think through our actions or consider their consequences. (Wisdom: having the quality of good judgment, learning and erudition, soundness.)

3. The ability to recognize, empathize with, and respect the feelings and needs of others. This is opposite from a selfish and chronic preoccupation with our own needs, with no awareness of, or sensitivity to, the needs of others.

4. The ability to delay the immediate satisfaction of our own needs, so that we may attend to other more pressing needs or actions. This is opposite from a condition in which our immediate needs always take precedence over all other needs.

5. The ability to love - to allow another's needs, feelings, security, and survival to be absolutely paramount - just as if these were our own.

6. The ability to adapt flexibly and creatively to life's changing circumstances and conditions. This is distinct from the tendency to respond to life's challenges in rigid, outmoded behavior patterns that are no longer particularly effective or appropriate.

7. The ability to channel our energy, both positive and negative, into constructive contributions to ourselves, to others, and to our communities.

8. The willingness and ability to be responsible and accountable for our own circumstances and actions in life, and the ability to differentiate our responsibilities from those of others. This is distinct from blaming others and seeing ourselves primarily as the victim of other's behavior, or from maintaining a sense that we are somehow responsible for the happiness and well-being of all those around us. Responsibility arises from a stance of strength and competence; it does not include pronouncements of blame, shame, guilt, or moral inferiority/superiority, as all these are judgments added to the basic condition of responsibility.

9. The ability to relate comfortably and freely with others, to like and be liked by others, and to maintain healthy and mutually satisfying relationships. The ability to choose and develop relationships that are healthy and nurturing, and to end or limit relationships that are destructive or unhealthy.

In terms of emotional maturity, which goes from dependence to independence to interdependence, this man is stuck in the dependence phase while wearing a mask of independence as a shroud to shield the fact that he has low self esteem and carries a deep abiding sense of inadequacy.

Low Self Esteem

Low self esteem can be, but is not always, an underlying cause of narcissistic behavior. Beneath the cover of superiority, which is in fact a fragile ego state built to support and sustain a person who feels as though they are lacking in some way, lays insecurity, inadequacy, shame and fear. And the overriding need not to be 'discovered' in some way.

In terms of the case study above, this was derived from the man's formative years where his working adult model, his mother, displayed the same types of tendencies. And because of her grandiose expectations which in turn rain constant derision upon his head for his failure to 'measure up'.

The constant pressure to measure up and the the continual assault upon his psyche when failure occurred, which was more often than not, helped to push him into the mental state of associating success with his mother's personality type. And this was later expressed within his life through aggressive and prepubescent behaviors centered on the 'self', with no thoughts to others save in how they interacted directly with him.

The internal associating with his mother's personality that was done, with the belief that this would garner him success in life, also veiled the reality of this man. He had extremely low self esteem.

Emotional Dissociation

To recap, Emotional dissociation is a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia. The term dissociation refers to the act of separating or the state of being separated.

In connection with narcissism, and our case study more specifically, what we discover about Emotional dissociation is that the man in the profile has detached himself from his own true emotional state, which he seems to have a difficult time dealing with, and has replaced it with a personality which he associates with success. This personality is completely reliant upon others for validation, in particular, the Narcissist's chosen partner. And when this personality is not 'fed' regularly by others frustration and anger can erupt into violence.

Thus when the girlfriend left him, she took with her the last shreds of support of an already fragile and fragmented personality. And this could potentially explain his erratic and violent behavior at the end of the profile, though it by no means justifies it.

The Point Of This Discussion

The point of this blog was not to offend anyone. My most humble apologies if it has. This has been offered to help you, the reader, get a better grasp on what a Narcissist is. There are many types that were not covered here, though, from those who are simply egocentric to those who have messiah/god complexes. This is but one example of an extreme case. Read more "Profile Of A Narcissistic Vampire..."

"Who Are You To Judge Me?" A Look At Judgment & Open Communication

"Who are you to judge me?"

Its a pervasive question we've all asked once in our lives, no doubt. Its also one we've all probably been asked once in our lives, as well.

It's an accusational question which shifts the focus away from the person being 'judged' to the person doing the 'judging'. And it asks the question, who are you, in all of your own supposed perfection, to judge me for my supposed faults (whatever they may be). It accuses a person of prejudice and, in a sense, demands that the person 'judging' stands on equal footing with the one being 'judged' in order to account for their right to hold said person up as an example for derision and contempt.

You see many discussions on prejudice, even on this blogsite. You see many statements on the fool heartedness of judging others, because of the equality of man. This is particularly true in debates of religion and/or political associations because they are hot topics which tend to be held close to the heart of the identities of people.

"I am a Christian", which gives me the right to judge you. "I am a Conservative", which gives me the right to judge you. "I am an upstanding moral and ethical person", which gives me the right to judge you. These are just examples which can be flipped around to shift the focus of the prejudice. "I'm a ________ (insert religion here)", which gives me the right to judge you. "I'm a ________ (moderate, liberal, or no political affiliation)", which gives me the right to judge you. "I'm not a moral and ethical person", which gives me the right to judge you (for your own moral/ethical hypocrisy).

The point isn't where you stand and what you judge for, or the right or wrong of your stance. And its not about whether you are the one 'judging' or being 'judged'. But if the point isn't either of those things, what is it?

The Point

The point is to understand that it is human nature to judge. Its not a justification for contemptible, hypocritical, and/or prejudiced judgment. It is to say, despite our best efforts to the contrary, everyone judges on some level based on our experiences, morals, ethics, and ideals. And even those who observe without comment and love unconditionally have opinions and judgments.

So to lessen the blow of this act, what are the most important things to remember, for both the one 'judging' and the one being 'judged'? Because, inevitably, we all end up playing both roles within our lives at some point.

For The 'Judging' Party

1.The one you are holding up for judgment is, above all else, a human being, with faults, weaknesses, and most importantly, feelings. So as you judge them, despite their supposed offense, remember that all human beings are fallible creatures.

2. Remember that you who judge, will never truly know the full extent of the intentions and motivations behind another person's actions. All you have to judge upon is the physical tangible evidence of an action, not what lays behind that action, unless the person in question is willing to speak to their own defense. And even then, you will never know the true depths which motivated the action in question.

3. Judgment based on the perceived prejudices of one's own experiences limits not only the person being held up for examination but the one who is judging. What this means is that when you judge someone, for the example of being a different religion that you do not or your religion does not approve of, you limit both the other person and yourself. It is easier to judge others than it is to try and understand them.

4. The key to good and sound judgment is empathy. Without it, one becomes prone to falling into the recesses of prejudiced perceptions where in human judgment becomes divine or righteous commandment. In other words, it stops being about respecting different ways of life, and becomes about the 'right way', which in turn, is your way alone.

For the 'Judged' Party

1. Remember that everyone judges. Some do it in more perceivable ways than others. But everyone does it, none the less, even you.

2. The person judging you is a human being who is fallible. What this means is that everyone is given to falling into the recesses of prejudice at times. This is generally done for one of several reasons. One is ignorance or a lack of understanding. Another is fear due to ignorance. A third is a lack of empathy toward your own way of viewing the world.

Whatever the reason though, try to understand that the person who is judging you is a human being. This is not to justify their behavior or to say you should not stand up for yourself and/or your beliefs, though.

3. Judgment against judgment will never win a battle of wills. Asking the question, 'Who are you to judge me', will do nothing but bring more judgment down upon you.

4. Being open to and willing to help someone understand your perspective, even when they judge you and/or disrespect you, is the mark of one who can rise above the prejudicial judgments and arguments of others.

5. Acceptance that one can not always change the views of others, or help another person open themselves to respectfully understand another way of thinking, is important.

6. Empathy, even toward those who judge us and are prejudiced against us, is understanding which raises one above the prejudicial debate of right and wrong, brought on by a person's ignorance and insecurities.

On the reverse side of judgment is open communication. Lets also have a quick look at that to help balance out this discussion.

Open Communication & Empathic Listening

Open communication, instead of prejudicial judgment, relies on several things. Lets look at them.

Listen
Listening is making sure the other party knows that we care about what they are saying, maintaining good eye contact, remaining quiet, and letting them speak although you may disagree. To achieve this, our body should be facing the other party so that they are comfortable and they feel that they are important to us.

Pay Attention
Active listening involves more than just hearing. It implies that you have the will to know and understand what the other party is expressing. For this we need to be sensitive and aware of not only the other party’s verbal language but their body language as well.

Ask
When you do not understand what the party is trying to express, it is best to ask questions until you completely understand. Do not be afraid of being seen as foolish. It is better to alleviate all doubts and misunderstandings in order to avoid future problems. If possible, paraphrase what you heard to see if what you understood is right.

Wait
This means keeping quiet at times in order to give others the opportunity to speak and say what they think or feel. When talking, people often tend to try and dominate the conversation; we even ask and respond to our own questions. Often we believe we know what the other party thinks, believes, and what their motives are without allowing the other party to express themselves. Also, when having a conversation, a quiet place and a peaceful state are needed in order to express our ideas and emotions.

Being able to listen with your heart is often called Empathic Listening. An extended definition of it says, Empathic listening (also called active listening or reflective listening) is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding and trust. Empathic listening is a specific category of listening in which people actively engage in dialogue at the affective level, with the listener attempting to understand and acknowledge the present feelings being experienced by the speaker.

The Benefits of Empathic Listening

Here is a list of benefits that arise through empathic listening.

1. builds trust and respect,
2. enables the one in need to release his/her emotions,
3. reduces tensions,
4. encourages the surfacing of information
5. creates a safe environment for sharing and problem solving

The Process of Empathic Listening

1. Give the person you are connecting with your full attention. Remember that the person in front of you is your sole focus at this singular moment in time. Multitasking, is a great thing, but not appropriate when working empathically with another person, particularly when practicing empathic listening. Their problem is in your hands, so your understanding and your time are reversely in theirs.

2. Do not speak when the other person is in the middle of communicating their issue. Empathic listening means that it is your job to actually hear what is being said, and reach to the heart of the topic to achieve full understanding of the situation. In doing this you need to find out specifics such as who is involved, what the actual problem is, and what are the extenuating circumstances that circle the problem. All of this information goes to help you give the best informed resolution you can find. Without it, perhaps through the act of not listening closely enough, you might miss an intrinsic part of the problem.

3. Offer a summary of what you have heard to the speaker, when they are done talking. This means you take what you have heard and reword it, offering them a summarized version of what they have said. It need be no more than an outline going over all of the most important key points of their problem. This affirms to them that you were listening, and reaffirms to yourself what you heard.

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