Wednesday, December 9, 2009

An Empath Story Of Survival

My Story

When I was 14, I started having flashbacks about things that happened to me as a child. The depression got so bad and the emotional pain so excruciating, that I believed that if I didn't get help I would end up taking my own life.

But when I spoke up about it, I wasn't believed. So my behavior patterns became so erratic that I finally ended up trying to take my own life on more than one occasion. And that's when I was finally taken seriously, that I had severe issues that needed to be dealt with, instead of shunned.

But sadly, even after all was said and done, I could not halt the progressive nature of my own depression. So I began to act out sexually, to compensate for the gaping hole that was inside of me. I sought to fill it up with the sense of need my partner, any partner I had, had for me in times of sexual pleasure. And the men I chose were always emotionally manipulative and, at times, abusive in a multitude of ways.

In my private world, I also began to lose myself inside books and Shamanic Paganism. Those to, where used to compensate for what was missing in my world. They offered me a modicum of control, where as in my real life I had none. I also began cutting, to relieve the weight of the pain I was feeling. It also gave me a sense of control, I seemed to be lacking in my real world.

All of these things gave me a sense of being able to feel again, to alleviate the numbness and emptiness that I was constantly fighting against. And all of this was done in private, away from those who I didn't think would understand.

The trend of self hatred and depression continued into my early 20s, where I found myself without friends, lovers, or any real family support (because I still blamed them for my issues), until finally one day I began to contemplate suicide once more. So I began to hide razor blades, for the opportune moment when I could gather my nerves to do it properly.

I was mired so deep in darkness,in the murky depths of the shadowlands, that all I could see was darkness and feel was the constant sense of drowning, no matter how much I fought against it. And I sank deeper and deeper as time progressed.

I wrote this, around that time in my life in order to give myself hope.

Drowning in the Shadowland

I walk in shadow, hidden from the light of day and
I bear the burden of other's pain and it consumes me.
I am drowning in the murky depths of the Shadowland
and I am lost in its dark currents.
Where is there sanctuary from the crashing waves
that rush to press down ever harder on my spirit essence
stealing my breath and severing any
lifeline of hope that touches me?
Where is there solace upon which I can
rest my weary form and weep away the pain?

The Gods cast their nets,
in search of nectar and ambrosia,
down into the dark abyss and find only me,
barren and exposed to their wrath without censure.
Darkness abounds as I huddle alone in my prison.
The storm rages, churning the silence and solitude
that vibrate through my solitary cell.
I am drowning in the shadowland
where silent screams are unheard
and beauty has no form, no shape.
I am bound, chained, and entangled,
in the web of my own dark heart.

My options are few and my choices unclear,
but still I will not let go of this world, of this pain,
of this burden that sinks me deeper into the quicksand
that is so prevalent in my life.
I will not end my battle, defeated and crushed,
only to suffer it again on the morrow.
I will carry this weight that has no form,
and I will survive.
And as I drown in the shadowlands
I will find light in its depths and
life beneath its murky currents.
And I will live to see tomorrow's dawn
rise anew in all its glory.

Then one day, a kind woman took me in. And she opened her heart to me and let me pour out all of the pain that had been bottled up within me. So we sat, for 6 hours straight into the night, talking. And she was the epitome of a Human Angel to me, because of the unconditional love and empathy she offered to me.

At the end of the night, as she had told me to do, I opened my heart, which had laid in shattered pieces for so long within me, to Spirit. And I asked for the simple blessing of being saved. And I felt something miraculous come over me....touching my heart.

Mind you, things didn't get better for me over night. All this even did was open me up to a new way of thinking, where in my worth wasn't based on the validation of others or the support or withholding of support from other.

It was like slowly climbing my way out of an abyss, with one sliver of light to guide my way. And along the way, my hands and arms became torn from the jagged rocks as I climbed. They were my battle scars and trophies, from my own struggle and climb.

And when I reached the precipice, after years of toil and struggle, I was finally free.

All About You

It doesn't matter what your issues are, whether you were abused, neglected, are hypersensitive, was raped, or whatever else has eaten away at you over your lifetime. Please note that it does matter, I just mean that we all go through our own issues, and despite that we all share suffering despite the differences in issues and experiences.

What matters most, is that you realize, above everything else you will ever be told, that you are not alone and that you matter. Your voice, your life, and your very existence.....matter.

Sometimes we find this truth in the arms of a loved one who is supporting us. Sometimes we find this truth in the words of a random stranger on the internet who stopped to offer you a kind and loving word. And sometimes we discover this for ourselves, without the support and validation of others.

Either way, the one thing you need to hear the that you, as a person, have innate value despite what you do with your life, whether you've hurt people in the past or feel like a failure because your life has seemingly been wasted. Despite those things, you are special and unique for no other reason than you are here and you are alive. You're existence is a miracle, without a doubt.

So don't just think about it, believe it and have faith in you. Because I do, even if I don't know you. You...whoever you are, matter to me. And you are loved. ^_^

1 comment:

  1. An angel for me arrived just like that on a chat.... Its a blessing. I know now, how to pass it on...