Monday, January 25, 2010

The Personal Journey of an Empath

I spent many hours crying for something that didn't belong to me, feeling guilt for something I didn't do...

As a child I had a wonderful relationship with my parents and grandparents. Nothing particularly tramatic other than the death of an aunt that I loved dearly and often felt her near me even after her death. The one I grew up to look like and to be so much like.

Teen years I spent being curious about magic and often felt there was something that bound me to that curiosity. I had the same boyfriend for a lot of years and always seemed to know what he was thinking and when he was unfaithful...yet nothing ever made me think I was different than anyone else around me. I figured the curiosity was a natural thing for everyone. That boyfriend and I spent 5 years together in my teens until I went away to college. We broke up over his lies and my knowing he was lying...he always seemed eventually to get caught in them with a little tripping up from me!

I met a man at 21 that literally swept me off my feet. First man in my life to not let me always have my way and I was hooked. I loved that he was independent and could function on his own. His only goal in this life was not just to make me happy. Man was that ever a stupid reason to get involved and fall in love. I paid for that when I married the man and soon discovered the abuse that I would suffer at his hands both physical and mental. I knew as I had with the boyfriend the lies he would tell me and I would think and often say to him "do you honestly think I believe this for one minute?" At one point it became more about pleasing him. He had me so sure that I was not worth wasting time on that I even attempted suicide when he left me once. Each time it would be over (I thought) I would let him back in (now I know thats because he would play on my empathy). We spent several years together until I grew a backbone to stand up to him. He nearly choked me to death that day...but I survived and I left.

This again played into the direction I was headed with my life. I had been pretty confident most of my life and now had to try and rebuild that confidence. That day I walked away started me on the journey. I knew there was something different about me I knew things others didn't know...I felt things others didn't feel but how in this world was I going to build a life with this knowledge.

Again I went through another stage of being attracted to the occult. I found myself feeling energies that I couldn't explain the ability to concentrate and make things happen. I tried this many times over the next few months. Each time was successful. I wasn't casting spells or even dabbling in the arts...it was strictly concentration.

I made those things go to the back of my mind when I met my husband. I wanted to do everything right this time. I loved this man beyond words. We were married short of two years when my son was born. The greatest blessing in my life ever for as he grew up I knew he too had the same things I had and I felt that his abilities were a blessings from God. I had never looked at mine in that respect and even after his birth I didn't look at them that way. I walked to a different beat than most around me but he knew...he understood I was or he was just like me. Through years of marriage I could again feel the lies that were not there before. The deceit was overwhelming at times. I found solice in a friendship online. It was nothing more than a friendship for a long time and then as he started to invade my dreams and most of my though I knew there was more to if for me but had no idea he felt the same way.

I felt and still feel that my husband was my soulmate. I believe he was in my life to open me up to seeing and believing in myself again. It took a lot of things to get to that point. He died suddenly in a horrific auto accident but this soulmate had given me what I needed to start again on the path that I had struggled so hard to find. I lost him, we lost our home and had no place to go with no money to get another place to live. We finally managed to find a home before we had to be completely out of our foreclosed home. Losing our home I felt that I had lost all that I had left of the thing that we shared other than our son. But even in losing the only home my son had ever known I found that this too was the best thing that could have happened we were forced to leave where I had spent most of my sons life with his father. We left behind the physical home and carried with us only the wonderful memories that were made not the painful ones in the end.

When I first went to EC I knew there was something going on or I was going insane. I found that community and started to study. I was a person who relished the reponses that I got and loved helping others. Then a few really nasty people felt that I was like a fluffy little bunny and that everything I did was covered with sugar in my responses to those I gave advice I also was very caring and loving. I allowed them to drive me away from that community for three months. During that time I did a lot of soul searching, researching and yes even healing. My time was mostly spent in solitude away from anything that I didn't HAVE to do. One day there was a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel and suddenly I had found my path, my journey had meaning and my life actually had joy, a new meaning to life and a clear vision finally.

I returned to the place that started to reveal my journey to me and this time I wasn't going to be pushed around, if I helped with love and fluff that was who I was. If people had to be hateful and hurtful it was their problem for it was their own anger that made them be that way.

I returned to cliques that thought they had all the answers and created a following of nothing more than sheeple who took everything they said as gospel. Those come and go in this life. The one thing that an empath needs to learn on this journey is that there are so many different ways to follow the path meant for us and it isnt the same for any one of us. Each empath has their own truth and their own path and in order to really grow in the ability and gift it has to be discovered for themselves...not told to them by someone else.

Today I stroll through the pages of EC and here on my own site. I respond to those who just need the encouragement to achieve on their own...not to those who want it done for them. I am here for I know who will work to achieve their own truth. I am but a mere vessel offering up but one opinion.

I have learned on this journey...I have learned that as a christian I live my life to the best of my ability being the best that I can be. To not take those for granted that are around me but to remind them how important they are to me. I have learned to not judge those who are different from me for I am but one individual in this world of many. I prefer to listen and learn than to label and turn. I won't turn away from someone who is different from me for we are all the same under the skin and in our hearts.

This change in me has allowed me to defend who I am yet still appreciate those who can also treat me with respect.

I hope that each of you learn to find your own path, live your journey and learn from each thing you encounter...it is my belief that for every action in a life there is a lesson to be learned.

There is pain and joy in each...the pain and bruises create who we are as does the joy...learn to relish in both for no matter the pain we can almost always be assured that it will diminish given time. I have shared this with you not out of a need for sympathy or even for the empathy but so you know that through all the things one endures there is and always be a light at the end of the tunnel...search for your own light, don't ask someone to point it for you. It is like someone telling you that fire is hot...if you don't or can't feel the heat off it how will you ever learn?

Life is precious with all its joys and sorrows its a wonderful place to be, to live, to love and to share.

Blessings, peace and light on your journey my fellow empaths...

Maddy

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