"GOD THIS SUCKS!" I screamed. "The stupid game is rigged. I can't win." My roomate looked at me, paused a second, and said "Hey, don't you have to get to work soon?" She was right. "Just... just one more game. I've almost got this."
"You're going to be late again."
"I hate my job, so I'm blowing off steam."
"Uh huh. Just go." My roomate can be annoying, and quite often is annoying, but she was right. My job just stresses me out too much. I pause the game and pack up my stuff to head out, my anxiety already setting in. My stomach tying itself in knots and the bubbling churning sick butterflies beginning to work my stomach into shapes it was never intended to be in. "One of these days I'm gonna quit it, that's how much I hate it." she just glared at me. "You know you can't, the money's too good." I followed my usual habit, get to work, say nothing to my boss, or make the lightest of light conversation. I get the money, and I come right back to my room. The only time I see other people is when my roomate brings her friends back, or when I go play video games in the room next door. I'm great with people, just terrified they'll call me names or reject me on sight. But I never tell anyone that. "why don't you ever bring people back to hang out?" I had to think quickly. "I'm just... comfortable with only a handful of people." She flopped over on her bed. "Yeah but I'm beginning to think you're just scared." My heard stopped beating. "Oh look at your face! I'm only joking!" I sighed a large sigh of relief inside. "heh you got me good!" This went on for day after day, week after week. All the while, I got lonelier and lonlier. She stopped hanging out with me as much, I stopped seeing nearly as many people. I stopped going to work as much. I did everything I could to occupy my time with something other than self-reflection. I felt like I was fighting for my life in a sea of dispair, and the only thing keeping me afloat was distraction. Every now and then, I'd loose my grip, and sink deep under water, feeling the pressure all around me. I kept having thoughts of suicide, fantasizing about escaping from the pain once and for all.
"You look sad today." my roomate told me one morning. "I'm just... thinking about stuff." I said. "Need me to cheer you up? I know just the-" "No," I interrupted her, "I'm fine." "Okay, just... I want you to be happy, you know?" "I know." I looked at the clock. 10:15. Work starts in five minutes. It takes 15 to get there. "Screw it" I said to myself. I crawled into bed. I just stared at the wall for a while, thinking to myself. I couldn't name a single person that would actually mourn my passing. All i could focus on was how sad I felt. Dispair and depression couldn't describe it, the best word for it was simply sad. I looked at the clock again. 5:10. I got up, and decided I'd fill my stomach with just something, so I got dressed and went outside to get some fast food. I walked across the street, and saw a car coming. I watched myself in awe. Normal people would feel a small boost of adrenaline. they'd feel a small tinge of fear and speed up their pace, but not I. I never intended to do anyting based on what thoughts I'd been having, but here I was. I had been given the opportunity, and for some reason unknown to me, I took it. I slowed my pace. The car kept coming. I just watched it. I took a deep breath.I stopped. And i felt something I haven't felt in so very long.
I felt relief.