Empathic Perspectives

10 Tips To Being More Assertive

2012-01-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

While reading a blog I discovered this list of tips to help one be more assertive without being aggressive. I felt they were really worthy of reposting here.Below are 10 tips that can help you be more assertive. Enjoy!

10 Tips To Be More Assertive

Meet the person at their level – standing, sitting etc.
Speak at a similar volume to the other person, if you are trying to make a point, then it is ok to speak slightly louder – just don’t overdo it. If you are both shouting then it’s probably not going to be a great conversation – postpone it until you have both calmed down.
If you are not clear about what you want to say or achieve by this conversation then politely request it be undertaken at a later time or date.
If you can, spend some time thinking about a positive outcome for you both, before you meet with the person. Otherwise use no.3 above and use the time in between to do this. It is important not to spend too long thinking about all the possible outcomes, simply be open to the possibility of a positive outcome for both parties.
If you need some extra confidence, then think about your body language: steepling is a great way to feel confident… press only the tips of your fingers together in a kind of prayer position – thumb to thumb, index finger to index finger etc. There are other variations of this that you will easily find in a google search.
Feelings are really important – most people are capable of spotting when they are beginning to feel angry, so be aware of how you are feeling. If you notice yourself becoming angry, aggressive or even despondent, then remember you have the option to stop the conversation and continue at another time. Sometimes the clue is that your words don’t come out easily – like there is something stopping you explain yourself clearly. If you can relax and continue then that’s fantastic.
Saying No – if you are asked to do something that is in the future, a quick way to know your true answer is to consider what you would say if it was happening now (supposing you have the time free). For other questions or requests, remember that there is no benefit in doing something for someone if you do not have the time or skills to complete it. People respect you far more for saying a polite “I’d love to help you but I really don’t have time right now, if I get done here I’ll come and help”, than they do if you say Yes all the time and then don’t have time to deliver on your promises. Remember that people take the line of least resistance, if they find someone who will always say yes, then that person goes top of the list for everything. Think of people you know who do that and then consider what your feelings about them are… Do you want people to think that way of you?
Find someone who you see as Assertive and then begin to think about what it is they do that makes them come across as assertive. How do they sound, what do they say, how do they stand, etc. If appropriate, ask them what they think about it.
Start small and gain experience – maybe you could simply ask someone who you would not normally if they can get you a coffee from the machine etc. Small triumphs along the way are really helpful, especially if you don’t want to jump in at the deep end and go and ask your boss for a raise just yet!
Celebrate how far you have come – becoming assertive takes time and balance, so celebrate the achievements and the journey you have undertaken to date. Continue this process and don’t be afraid to make mistakes – if necessary you can apologise! Often the truth will help you gain the person’s trust and respect, so tell them you are learning to be assertive and any feedback is much appreciated – good or bad. You may even find you make allies in people you wouldn’t have normally turned to for help.

The Empathy Of Nothing

2011-10-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

"I am nothing. I am nobody. I am garbage. I am a waste of space. The air that I breath is wasted and would be better spent on someone more worthy than I. My very existence has no purpose....no meaning...other than to be a burden upon others."

It's comments like these that repel people. It smacks of low self esteem and low self worth, doesn't it? These are the words, often whispered in the voices of those who have cut us down verbally before, that repeat, almost like a mantra, in our heads in order to hold us back.

The ironic thing about this is upon hearing these comments, whether from someone else's lips or from our own brains, our survival skills kick in. A kind of flight or fight response ensues, in which we deny it emphatically and jump to our own defense. And in so doing, we seek to convince ourselves of it's untruth, much more than others, because the simple accusation laid to bear is enough to crack the safe box of reality we wrap ourselves in, where we deny any flaws or issues we might have. It hides the question that no one, not even those considered to have high self esteem, wishes to face. What if those whispers are right?

So instead of answering that question, in the here and now, people can (and often do) spend lifetimes searching for what they feel is missing in their lives and never find it. Often, in that endless search, they will find 'things' to fill the hole they feel dwells within themselves. This, to some extent, is where addictive behaviors come from. Addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, and so many others are but a few of the more extreme versions of addictive behaviors used as a salve upon the wound no one seems to be able to heal totally.

Divine Purpose

Another extreme, though, begs to be looked at because it has direct bearing on Empaths. It begins when people start to search for their purpose through a title like Empath. The term Empath, instead of meaning simply someone who is hypersensitive to the emotions and emotional states of those around them, has begun to take on much more supernatural/spiritual connotations, particularly where one's purpose is concerned.

I've read many different ideas about this particular extreme. One site wrote that Empaths are the meek who shall inherit the Earth, as the bible stated. Another person said that Empaths have a divine purpose to lead the human race into a new era of spirituality and peace. Another said that Empaths are the next evolutionary stage of the human race. And still others were known to equate Empaths with lightworkers, who according to the new age movement, are supposed to be people oriented with the 'light' who are saviors, of a sort, who help others....healers, if you will.

Empaths are the meek, the healers, the spiritual leaders, saviors, and/or evolutionary stages. On one hand, these notions can lift someone up extremely high, giving them a sense of purpose and a drive to do outreach. It can inspire great works of altruism in people who might otherwise never have realized what they are capable of doing. And these, in every sense of the word, are absolutely beautiful things.

But at the same time, think about the ideal that is being set on the shoulders of these people. They have a divine purpose to be spiritual leaders to usher in a new age of man. This has the power to separate people, who are already suffering from social anxiety issues, from the whole of society, thus robbing them of their support system of friends and family. It has the power to drive people away from their current lives and realities, while leaning them toward the preferred ideas that they are spiritual adepts with great purpose. They are special and unique, not part of the 'normal' human race. This ideal gives supposed understanding into what has always made them feel so different and apart from society as a whole.

But these answers do not address a person's real issues. They do not allow for real growth, spiritual or otherwise, because once you imagine yourself at the top of the mountain, standing at it's peak looking down at others still climbing, where is there to go? Where is there to go when you stand at the pinnacle and the precipice?

When one stand at that point, or imagine one stands at it, the hopelessness can return. So one turns to altruism, burying themselves in helping others. And in so doing, one can run the risk of losing themselves even more than they already have, because this is what makes you, as a person, worthwhile. This and this alone. And your worth is only proven by the next person you are able to help.

Imagine the crash and burn someone can potentially suffer if they discover themselves burned out and broken from giving so much of themselves, in order to prove their own worth, that there is nothing left but a hallow husk.

And all of this, because one is afraid to face one simple question: "What if those whispers are right?"

The Dyadic Facets Of Nothingness

"I am nothing. I am nobody. I am garbage. I am a waste of space. The air that I breath is wasted and would be better spent on someone more worthy than I. My very existence has no purpose....no meaning...other than to be a burden upon others."

It's still just as harsh to read now, as it was at the beginning of this blog. It makes you cringe inside just a little bit, because it niggles at the question in your mind, based on your doubts and your fears.

There is no set equation for self esteem or the building of it. There is no right way or wrong way, to my knowledge. Nor am I writing these to offer you a step by step plan toward that end. What I can offer each of you instead, through this blog, is a shift in perception that can potentially help you stop the flight or fight response that is aroused every time you contemplate being nothing.

Instead of fighting to prove your worth when you hear derogatory comments like those above, be it from yourself or others, try accepting it. And then try imagining that those comments are but one side of a coin in which you are nothing and equally all things. See that if your life has no purpose, then it has the greatest purpose you can imagine. And that if nothing matters in this lifetime, then even the smallest of gestures matters in untold numbers of way.

It is extremely humbling to accept the idea of being 'nothing'. It is painful and goes against everything we have learned since the cradle. It smacks of giving up and accepting yourself as a failure. And it can drive a person into a great depression, a dark night of the soul, where in you doubt and question all of your long held ideas, feelings and beliefs. And it can be the beginning of a long journey and potentially one of great healing for yourself, where, along the way you discover that the hole inside yourself was always.....just an illusion.

And here is the interesting part of all of this, it all starts with one small shift in perception. It all starts with saying to yourself, the one thing you would never rationally say, "I am nothing.". Through that darkness we call nothing lays a portal waiting to take you where you need to go in order to heal. It's all up to you, though, when and if you are ready to face the unknown within yourself and for the first time in your life, get to know the real you...good, bad, and hairy alike. Think about it.

Namaste

Sunrise

2011-07-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

Inquisitive thought inspired by the stop of time
Long lost meaning bleeding through the pages line by line
The ink gives structure to an otherwise confusing reality,
Drawing blood from the perception of mortality while
Simultaneously existing in a world fixed in duality.

An angel smiles at the dawning of the day
A voiceless whisper illuminates me back to guide my way
Her crystal tears wash away yesterdays sin
Sweeps it up in in the soft and gentle hands of the wind,
Never Again to reflected on the face of my kin.

Purple highlights entangles in a blaze of orange glow
Minute by minute, second by second I began to let go
Echoes of a dream reflected in her shine
Line by line Illustrated in this painted rhyme

Moment by moment the constellations began to die
Your song the hymn as the stars start to cry
A vision of light rips realities seam
A path illuminated by a crystal beam
Shows me the way back from this dream

Ever so slowly I began to understand
Your voice was the light that took me by the hand
Twisting my perception you continuously call me home
Behind the restrictions of life that have become overgrown
Reminding me always... your never alone.

The Empath Community and I

2011-07-08T08:12:00.001-07:00

About four years ago I was looking up the word Empath, hoping to find a place where I could meet other people like myself. I did that periodically over the years I've been online...usually to no avail. But this time I came across a place called Empath Community.

It's owner embraced me, as did it's members. And after sometime, it felt like a second home and my connection with those people much like a close nit family. We laughed together. We cried together. And we learned with one another through study and sharing. Even now, years later, each and every one of those people, from owner to lurkers, still mean a great deal to me for what each of them, in turn, offered to me by way of friendship, compassion, understanding and friendship. They were my teachers and my guides along the road of self discovery that I walked. And quite a few of them were the inspiration for many of the blogs on EP.

I became a moderator of this forum site, not to long after I joined. And soon after that, I began to write the many blogs here on Empathic Perspectives, though at the time it was a group on Empath Community instead of a blog site. As I grew in that position, of moderator, I began to steadily work with more and more of the people who came onto that site with question after question.

While there in the capacity of moderator, I witnessed fights amongst members, flame wars, heated religious debates, people attempting to play messiah to all of the wounded folk who came to EC, spammers, witch hunts, horrid apathy and ultimately, to many other negative things to mention in one blog. I also witnessed compassion, like I'd never seen before, deep abiding friendships forged out of common interests and needs, and so much love, that it would either rot your teeth (for being so damn sweet) or it would melt your heart because it was so warm and welcoming. More than once in my years on that site, did I find myself in tears, awestruck by the amazing energy that encompassed the site and it's many members.

In the background of all that was happening on the site, I was stretching myself thin emotionally...ultimately to my breaking point. Each new menace on the site took it's toll on me. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning in the needs of so many and I wanted so very much to help each and every person. But it took emotional exhaustion for me to realize that I couldn't be all things to all people and still remain true to who I am. So I left both the moderator position and the site itself.

About a year later, after witnessing much deterioration on Empath Community within it's chat room, I again took the job of moderator. I did it to bring some order back to the site and to give people some peace of mind. This meant, to some degree, that I had to be a hard ass, which left some members asking me, where was the old Misu who seemed to give without reserve, because she didn't exist anymore. Of course, I had no real answer for them except to say I had grown and changed. And that I was important to me, as well as, all of those members seeking help.

The journey this blog is taking you on has now come to a time that is very recent, very close to the present, where I found myself once again suffering from emotional exhaustion and burnout. Doing the moderator thing was like going through the motions most of the time. But after all of those years of caring for this forum site and deep friendship (or so I thought) with it's owner, I was summarily dismissed as a moderator with comments like my judgment was impaired. Accusations were laid to bear, as well, and judgments made, despite what I said or how honest I was. And because of this very traumatic incident, I broke down.

Now any reasonable person might ask how one can break down from stuff that happened on a forum site. And that would be a fair question. But anyone who has dedicated their time, willingly without expectation, to something they love and/or are passionate about, will tell you the same. You become emotionally invested in that experience. It is, in a way, an extension of you.

As things began to escalate on the site, I was banned. And then I was brought back with the offer of owning Empath Community, with the stipulation that I would have to endure public humiliation on the same site I was being offered. Upon my refusal and the establishment of new moderators on site, I was again banned from site, being told only that I was no a good fit for Empath Community.(the irony of this never ceases to make me laugh)

So from that time to now, I have been, for the most part, unable to write while I was nursing my broken heart and healing. But I getting better now and I feel more apt to be able to write. I also feel it necessary to say, that despite what happens publicly or privately, we (the writers of EP) will keep learning, growing, and sharing our many different perspectives with each and every one of you.

Is Empathy Really a Gift?

2011-06-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

Is Empathy Really a Gift?

A lot of people believe Empathy is a gift. I don’t go that far, I just identify with the term in a lot of different ways but the bottom line is that empathy is a natural part of me. I could chalk all this up to semantics but in my experience, people really embody the term empathy. This spiritual actualization deserves a closer look.

What is gift? The free dictionary on Bing says this:
Definitions of gift (n)

gift [ gift ] something given: something that is given to somebody, usually on order to provide pleasure or to show gratitude special talent: a natural ability that somebody appears to have been born with, especially

an artistic ability or social skill

act of giving: the act of giving something to somebody

Synonyms: present, donation, contribution, reward, bequest, award, endowment, grant, offering

    Empathy as a gift is usually seen in the usage of ‘a natural ability that somebody appears to have been born with, especially an artistic ability or social skill’. Everyone is born with empathy to some degree or another, so in a loose sense, empathy is a gift.

    I got to thinking about Empathy as a gift after musing on the book, "A Wrinkle In Time" by Madeleine L’Engle. In chapter 6 ‘The Happy Medium’ the main character and her younger brother and new friend are given gifts. These gifts are necessary for Meg (the main Character) and company to defeat the "It" who has ensorceled Meg’s father.

Below is an excerpt;
"You will need help," Mrs. Whatsit told them, "but all I am allowed to give you is a little talisman. Calvin (The Friend), your great gift is your ability to communicate, to communicate with all kinds of people. So, for you, I will strengthen this gift. Meg, I give you your faults."

"My Faults!" Meg cried.

"Your faults."

"But I’m always trying to get rid of my faults!"

At first glance, these seem like lousy gifts, if they are gifts at all. Calvin already possesses the gift of communication (Empathy anyone?) And Meg clearly has and acknowledges her faults. It is a clever bit of irony, making gifts of gifts but there is a deeper meaning hidden in Meg’s faults.

What is a fault?

Again, the free dictionary defines fault as;
Definitions of fault (n)
fault [ fawlt ] responsibility for mistake: responsibility for a mistake, failure, or act of wrongdoing
personal shortcoming: a failing or character weakness in somebody
defect: something that detracts from the integrity, functioning, or perfection of something else
Synonyms: responsibility, liability, burden, culpability, accountability

    In the story, Meg’s faults are stubbornness, obstinance and her innate ability to think for herself. Meg’s personality leaves her little room to be anything but herself. In Meg’s teenage world, this is a huge fault and causes her nothing but difficulty in her everyday life. In the unique circumstance of saving her father from an entity known as "It", everyone will depend on Meg’s constant flaws to break away from the indulgent "It".

    The real gift isn’t Meg’s faults but her new found knowledge that her faults, if applied correctly aren’t faults at all but a huge and necessary gift.
That is what empathy is to me, a sometimes fault that requires us to gain knowledge so we can utilize the gift of empathy effectively.

"Simple Gifts"

written by Elder Joseph

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come 'round right

Ecclesiastes 3:11

"He hath made every thing beautiful in its time: also he hath set the world in their heart, yet so that man cannot find out the work that God hath done from the beginning even to the end."

For more of my musings visit me on my social network http://kindredcuriosity.ning.com/

Deconstructing the Highly Sensitive Person: Part Two

2011-05-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

Earlier I wrote the first part of this blog series, you can find it here. This blog is more of a personal nature. I examined the archetypal empath from many perspectives, mostly scientific and psychological, but there was very little of an actual HSP inside. This blog is the other half. The yin to it's yang.

A more apt title would probably be: Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Person

I'm going to start off by saying I'm probably not a good pick for an average "empath". I don't claim to feel other's emotions, I don't claim to work with energy, hell, I barely even lay claim to the title of empath. But I do know I'm very sensitive. Spiritually, I've had experiences with the 'paranormal'. I've had shamanic experiences that science has difficulty describing, and I've had powerful emotional experiences as well. But the biggest part of being an empath, that ability to "take on another's feelings" I don't do. Instead, I work a bit differently.

I have a naturally adept understanding of emotions, my own and other people's. I've worked for years on tuning my awareness into the language people use and choice of words. It reveals a lot about how someone feels. I take that awareness of linguistics, and I analyze every word a person uses. It's almost second nature now, but I still have to work on it more. When I know what someone is feeling, I can then put myself in their shoes. I build that situation in my mind, create the emotions, and feel it. I don't emotionally feel it; it's more like an understanding. Now, if I connect deeply with someone, then I may feel it emotionally, but that's really a different matter. It has been my experience that if I feel an emotion, it's my own, not someone else's.

My main defense mechanism, when I feel hurt or threatened, is to build up a gigantic wall around my emotions, and become almost completely robotic. I become cold, calculated, and logical. Now granted, most of the time I'm logical and calculating, but in this state, I am completely emotionless. I do this because I am so sensitive. Weird, huh? If I allowed myself to be emotional every time I felt threatened or hurt, I would fly into fits of rage at the smallest of trespasses or cry uncontrollably from the lightest of passing remarks. The more I'm hurt, the more robotic I become. This has a benefit, and a huge detriment. The benefit is that I can assess small remarks rather logically, realizing that the person may have just been frustrated or angry, for one reason or another. Sometimes it works, other times I'm left puzzling over two words for hours. The problem with this tactic though, is that people expect emotion in that type of situation and they don't get it. In some extreme cases, I barely respond at all, leaving people feeling as though they're talking to a brick wall. That doesn't help in a situation where I am supposed to respond.

But, when I'm alone, I'm very emotional. I have nobody to feel threatened by, allowing me to stop being robotic. I see it this way: take your average joe's emotion, and multiply it by a factor of about 10. In everything. Happiness, elation, remorse, guilt, anger, rage, everything. For me though, especially rage. Rage and guilt. It's really tough to know when I'm angry though, because I never show it. I have a lot of anger stored inside me, so when you release a little bit, you get a lot. Though, I also become robotic. I feel it, but I don't act on it. Fights for me become almost like a game of chess. I feel the anger, and it becomes almost like a fuel. The adrenaline speeds up my thoughts, allowing me to be angry, cold, calculating, and lightning-fast. Though those times are few and far between, 99% of the time I'm too afraid to actually fight. Anxiety and fear are multiplied by 10 as well. Really, the only way I could possibly come up with to cope was to be robotic, otherwise I'd just be slung around by my emotions, all the time. And I'm male too, so that's not exactly socially acceptable, at least, by the unwritten rules of society.

Alone, I can be emotional. It's the only time I really get to be me. I can't be me for any of my other friends, really. I need to be who they need me to be, even if that's a leader. I have one person in my life who I can just be me with... and that is the owner of this blog, Misuchi. I really do need to find a healthier method of coping though. Really, it wouldn't be so much of a problem if everyone was hyper emotional, because then I'd just be normal. The problem is that I react much more strongly to things than everyone else. It affects me more. 10 times more. Though that's just a rough estimate. It could be more. I really don't know.

Maybe, on some level, I want to be alone. I want to finally just be who I am. I don't like that thought at all, but there's something freeing about not having to bend to anyone else's ideals anymore. I love my friends, very much so, but I always just feel alone. Maybe if I let myself be who I really am, I wouldn't feel so alone anymore. I would have me. Again, I don't know.

Hmmm... a list of my daily struggles as a highly sensitive person... Getting out of bed in the morning because I'm so sleepy. Dealing with my anxiety about damn near everything. Hyper analysis of every word everyone says. Hyper analysis of everyone's body language that I can see. Struggling with feelings of self-doubt. Struggling with self-confidence. Dealing with people who aren't kind to me, and who conjure lots of anger in me. Struggling not to cry during sad movies and chick flicks. Attempting to make friends with people, and getting hurt at the smallest of things, like them forgetting I exist. Getting lost in emotional music. I know there's more, but I can't think of it right now.

I have a lot of anger inside me. Though, that could also be passion. Like a fire burning inside your heart. Perhaps, what's inside me isn't pure anger, but a bonfire? An inferno. Any emotion I feel touches that fire, and the fire becomes that emotion. An interesting metaphor, but it feels the most probable. Curiosity, as soon as it touches that fire, I can't satiate my lust for knowledge. Passion... if love touches that fire, it poses a serious health risk, as I'm very capable of suffocating someone with love alone, let alone the ferocity of the hug it would take to satisfy that love. If I'm taken by a fit of inspiration, and it touches that fire, I will barely sleep until I either complete my work, or fall over dead. Like now. This is me, taken by a fit of inspiration that touched my fire. I do believe I just had an epiphany. I don't feel burdened by uncontrollable anger anymore. Perhaps I just vented it all earlier, but I don't think that is the case.

There really isn't much of a point to this blog. I already examined the highly sensitive person in extreme detail. No, this blog is more seeing a highly sensitive person in reality. The opportunity to empathize with me. That's really the goal of this blog. Empathy. That's always been the point.

Spare some change?

2011-05-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

-Mahatma Ghandi

The word 'change' frightens many people. Maybe it's because of its connection to the word 'chaos', maybe it's because of humanity's innate fear of the unknown. Let's be honest here, we're all afraid that one day, we'll wake up and our life as we know it will be turned on its head. People naturally prefer the safety and comfort of what they know over the vast, deep, dark unknown.

Here's an interesting fact about change, though: add the word 'life' as a prefix, and suddenly it becomes much less terrifying. This simple word, once synonomous with chaos and unpredictability, becomes synonomous with growth and personal development. If stagnation is the greatest enemy of mankind, most of us seek that one experience in life that 'throws open the doors' so to speak. Call it what you will: enlightenment, a personal connection to God, the love of your friends and family, or simply the realization that maybe, just maybe, you don't have it as bad as you think. It all boils down to this: we all seek that one pivotal life-changing moment.

Change may be associated with chaos, but do you know what it's also associated with? Growth. Development. Every invention of mankind started with someone looking at the world around him and wanting to improve it. Every major philosophy, every major religion, began when someone chose to shake off the bonds of stagnation and take a single step into the aforementioned deep, dark unknown. To take it to a more personal level, look at your life. I guarantee that every major accomplishment you have ever made was due to your desire to change, to grow and to further develop yourself.

Here's another interesting fact of change, and one that is best illustrated by a simple quote:

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

This quote, taken from Shakespeare's Hamlet, has always stayed in my mind. No matter how disastrous an event may seem, there is always, always, always something to learn from it. Even in the midst of chaos, even in the darkest moment of your life, change is still pushing us to learn, grow and improve ourselves. This bears repeating in bright red, italicized text: there is always something to learn from every situation!

As a matter of fact, I recently had this conversation with my sister. To test this belief, she threw a number of increasingly disastrous, dark events at me. Maybe it's due to my annoyingly optimistic outlook on life, but I was able to find a silver lining in each and every event. As chaotic as the world may be at times, it's my firm belief that there is always a lesson to be learned.

To illustrate this point, I'll share a fairly recent event in my life, as well as the lessons I learned from this particular change:

In December of last year, shortly after Christmas, I found myself pulled into the manager's office at work. This in and of itself wasn't all too surprising: I am at heart a rather lazy and easily distracted person, and have difficulty applying myself to a task for more than a few hours. (As a quick aside, this is why I'm not as prolific an author here as, say, Misu. Also, she's more interesting than I am, but I digress.)

Despite this aspect of my personality making me less than popular with my bosses, I had always seen myself as an indispensable part of my job. As it turns out, this was not so, and I quickly found myself without a job. Life lesson learned: rein in your ego, you are never as indispensable as you think.

What made this situation worse was that I was less than $300 from paying off my car. I had always taken great pride in my vehicle, and saw it as my first move towards true independence and a major accomplishment in my life. Now here I was, without a job and facing the fact that I may lose my car. Thankfully, a friend came through for me and loaned me the $300. Life lesson learned: there are some people who will be there for you, no matter what. Appreciate these people.

To make a long story short, I was without a job for almost a month. Despite my inherent laziness, I do not enjoy being unemployed. Although I grew desperate over this month, an opportunity for employment finally fell into my lap. While it may not be the best or highest-paying job in the world, it's still a job. It puts food in my stomach, gas in my car, and occasionally allows me to enjoy an alcoholic beverage and some horrible karaoke with friends. Special life lesson two-for-one: it could always be worse, and, given time, it gets better.

I'm sure you can think of more profound examples in your life. I can most certainly think of more profound examples in mine. I just chose this one as a simple, fairly recent example that I could illustrate with my own special brand of annoying humor.

The fact of the matter is this: for every door that slams in your face, countless others open. Don't be afraid to step through those doors, and don't fear the changes in your life. Accept them as they come, make the most of them, learn from them. Take a lesson from every event, every change, in your life and never stop growing.

Isn't that what life's all about?

Bullying: Reclaiming Your Journey

2011-04-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

When I was 16 and in high school, I had a boyfriend come to my door and tell me he was going to run away and commit suicide. After he left, my parents woke up and found me panicking and made me call the police. Soon after that the police pulled me out of class to talk to me. It was then that I found out he was a chronic runaway who was heavily abused....and that he wasn't going to kill himself. So they wanted his whereabouts.

Because of what I did, I became a pariah amongst my friends. I was ostracized and gossiped about. And it reached its pinnacle one day at lunch right by the main office of the school. A group of about 20 students from the crowd I hung out with came up to me simply to tell me what a piece of crap I was.

I stood there, with one friend by my side, while these people verbally ripped me to shreds. And the only thing I can say is that I never once let them see me cry, even though it crushed me like nothing else had up until that time. I stood my ground and only let loose a torrent of tears after they were away from me and couldn't see me shed them. This was because I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing just how much they had wounded me.

The point of telling you this story is to pinpoint the topic of this discussion which is bullying. It's something that permeates our society and is definitely not limited just to high school. It can follow us into adulthood, or be found in our connections with family, friends, lovers, coworkers and even strangers. And it can leave a person feeling....violated. I know it did me.

So before we continue this discussion, lets get a few facts out of the way. What is bullying? Are there different types of bullying and what are they? How does bullying effect other people?

A bully can be described as "a person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people". Bullying can be defined as "the use of superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants". A bully is a person who:

has never learnt to accept responsibility for their behavior
wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but who is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that are a prerequisite for being part of the adult world.
abdicates and denies responsibility for their behavior and its consequences (abdication and denial are common features of bullying)
is unable and unwilling to recognize the effect of their behavior on others
does not want to know of any other way of behaving
is unwilling to recognize that there could be better ways of behaving.

Why do people bully?

to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior and the effect it has on others, and,
to reduce their fear of being seen for what they are, namely a weak, inadequate and often incompetent individuals, and,
to divert attention away from their inadequacy

With the understanding of who a bully is, what it means to bully, and why people bully, we come to the question of different types of bullying. What are they?

Types Of Bullying

1. Physical bullying includes any physical contact that would hurt or injure a person like hitting, kicking, punching, etc. Taking something that belongs to someone else and destroying it would also be considered a type of physical bullying. For example, if someone was walking down the street and someone came up to them and shoved them to the ground, that would be physical bullying. In elementary and middle schools, 30.5% of all bullying is physical.

2. Verbal bullying is name-calling, making offensive remarks, or joking about a person's religion, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, or the way they look. For example, if there was a group of kids who made fun of another kid because he couldn't run as fast as everyone else, it would be an example of verbal bullying. 46.5% of all bullying in schools is the verbal type. Verbal aggression is when a bully teases someone. It can also include a bully making verbal threats of violence or aggression against someone's personal property.

3. Indirect bullying includes spreading rumors or stories about someone, telling others about something that was told to you in private, and excluding others from groups. An example would be if you started a rumor that a boy in your class likes playing with dolls, and if the reason that you made up the story was because you thought it was funny. This would be indirect bullying. Indirect bullying accounts for 18.5% of all bullying.

4. Social alienation is when a bully excludes someone from a group on purpose. It also includes a bully spreading rumors, and also making fun of someone by pointing out their differences.

5. Intimidation is when a bully threatens someone else and frightens that person enough to make him or her do what the bully wants.

6. Cyberbullying is done by sending messages, pictures, or information using electronic media, computers (email & instant messages), or cell phones (text messaging & voicemail). For instance, if you sent a picture of a snake in an email to a person because you know that they are afraid of snakes, that would be an example of cyberbullying. According to a survey done in 2003 only 4% of bullying is listed as "other types" and this would include cyberbullying. Even though this number seems small, the growth of this type of bullying is going up fast because of the spread of technology around the world.

Bullying And The Empath

Recent events on a website I used to belong to and moderate, called The Empath Community, have prompted me to write this blog about bullying because of the new group of moderators on the site. Their behavior on site has been tantamount to bullying. In saying this, I do not speak lightly.

After systematically removing any person who was outspoken enough to speak up about the new rules being implemented, which curbed the way members could interact with one another to a very limited way (only in a soft spoken supportive way without opinions that differ from those of the site leadership), they knowingly began allowing members to write slanderous things about me like my writing is plagiarized, I poison people's minds, or that I was a cruel and manipulative person. All of these things amount to nothing more than bullying.

The sad part is, it wasn't limited to just me. Many others have suffered the same as I have. And while it might sound silly to care what people say about you on a website, I mean its just a website after all, it was a place I spent a great deal of time (3 yrs) living and working. It was like a second home to me...and to many others. So it left many people feeling violated.

From the experiences I've shared with you, and many others not mentioned, I've felt the shame and degradation, the anger and resentment, and the abject fear and sadness that it would continue. And it has ripped me apart many times over.

But this blog isn't just about me. It's also about you. It's about all those who have been bullied at one time in their lives or another. It's about those who spoke out against it or were to afraid to speak. It's about those who were bullied verbally or physically and were forced to wear a brand of shame because of it.

And this blog is a reminder that each and everyone of you...that no matter what people say about you or to you, or what how the perceive you and treat you, you are not alone. And they, those bullies who suffer from their own inadequacies, do not set your worth simply because they want to make themselves look better to others and feel better about themselves.

You are special and unique, despite those things. And you are precious...just for existing. That is something bullies can not rob you of. They can only make you believe they have, if you let them. And they only have power over you so long as you give them that power out of fear.

Remember that because bullying can strike at any time. And it can devalue you before you even realize what is happening. And only you,above anyone else, can remind yourself of just how special you truly are. And always remember...you are loved because you are not alone in these feelings. Most, if not everyone, has felt this way at least once in their lives.

The Journey To Closure

2011-04-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Recent events in my life have brought me to the point where I must acknowledge I am searching for solace and am in need of closure. And it's had me thinking....in a broader sense...of how each of us comes to a point in our lives where we are forced to seek closure to toxic relationships and oppressive situations. These relationships and situations do nothing but tear us down, slowly eroding our self esteem, our personal boundaries, and most important of all, our emotional stability and mental health.

Perhaps you've experienced something like this in your life...perhaps not. But if you haven't, count yourself lucky. It takes time, after you come away from it, to heal and to feel grounded again. Often the wounds aren't visible to the human eye because they are buried beneath the surface...in the psyche.

For me, this resulted from having someone I considered a dear friend and colleague jump to rash conclusions and become agitated. With that agitation, based on erroneous assumptions, came an abrupt halt to our professional relationship. And with the way our professional relationship ended, there also came an end to our personal relationship.

For three years I worked with this person; offering her my undying support, friendship and care. I stood by her side, when few others would, and helped preserve the things that she worked to establish. Whatever she needed of me, I offered up without reserve.

And then, because of one perceived mistake, I was treated as though I were a pariah in her presence who needed to be swept under the rug and forgotten. Not long after that, I was treated to an even worse punishment. I was publicly humiliated in such a way that she would appear the poor victim and I would seem the blighter who was abusing her in some way.

And in the interim, she ripped an entire community of sensitive souls apart through the public airing of our personal issues....our dirty laundry.

My reasons for writing this are purely selfish. There is no lesson to be had here (at least on the surface)....only my own personal need to understand what happened in those moments and to find some closure to the whole debacle. But whether I ever truly understand or not, one day, given enough time, I will find closure. And I will heal.

Namaste To Each Of You

Lying and The Empathic Truthsayer

2011-04-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

The Truthsayer

An interesting byproduct of being highly empathic seems to be that one can become a sort of truthsayer...or living lie detector. What this means is that the highly empathic person can easily discern whether or not a person is telling the truth or not and if they are dissembling in respect to motives, feelings and/or beliefs.

This byproduct, as it were, seems to be derived from the Empath's ability to read another person's emotions and emotional states. In other words, because a highly empathic person is well attuned toward sensing and feeling the overall emotional state of all of those around themselves, almost constantly, the person in question begins to develop a deeper interpersonal intelligence. Interpersonal intelligence is, by definition, the ability to interact with others, understand them, and interpret their behavior. Individuals who exhibit a level of interpersonal intelligence, have the particular ability to perceive the moods, temperaments, motivations and intentions of others.

This skill can becomes disconcerting, when those around us ~ even those we feel closest to, hide and/or deny their true feelings, intentions, motivations, and so forth, while offering up to the world something that is less than the truth with respect to those same things; intent, motivation, and real feelings. Then the Empathic Truthsayer, is conflicted because they see and recognize what lays beneath the surface persona a person wears for the outside world. When the surface persona and internal self are out of balance (when a person is struggling internally and putting on a strong and/or happy face to the world), the Empathic Truthsayer can see and recognize it.

In the quiz, What Kind of Empath Are You?, based on Jad Alexander's work The Book Of Storms, he begins to categorize different types of Empaths, one being that of the Judge Empath. A Judge Empath is described like this:

You are a Judge Empath, one who is a "truthsayer". You can tell truth from lies, good from evil. You do not tolerate wrong doing. You are a defender of the good and the innocent. You are kind and merciful but do not play foolish games.

Everyone Lies

Before we continue on with our discussion about Empathic truthsayers, we must first understand what a lie is, some of the basic reasons behind lying, and the possible positive/negative intentions for lying.

What is a lie?

A lie is a false statement made with the deliberate intent to deceive. Everyone lies, whether we care to admit it or not. They come in many forms, from small white lies, which harm no one, to gargantuan ones, which affect many people at once. And just as lies can differ in size, so to can they differ in frequency, from once in a blue moon (a rare occurrence) to the majority of the time.

Are there different types of lies?

There are many different forms of lies. Let's look at some of them:

Blantant Lies - when someone gives false information
White Lies - generally used with the intention to help someone else, even when the lie does nothing more than act as a placebo.
Lies of Magnitude - exaggerations in the form of flattery or boasting, in which one makes something better than it actually is
Lies of Misdirection - to mislead someone or bait them (often called a bluff in games of chance)
Partial Truth - to not tell the whole truth
Self-Deception - lying to ourselves through rationalization (to rationalize we are doing the 'right' thing, when in fact we are not)
Potential Truths - saying something as if it were fact without foreknowledge of its veracity
Jocose Lies - lies meant in jest, intended to be understood as such by all present parties.
Noble Lie - a myth put forward by leaders in order to assure that each member of a society happily plays their part in creating a well-ordered and stable society.

What are some of the reasons people lie?

There are any number of reasons why people choose to lie, but all of those can be broken down into several very basic reasons:

To enhance reputation
To avoid punishment
To cover up mistakes and bad behavior
To avoid hurting someone or starting a fight with them
To hurt another person's reputation
To harm/attack other people indirectly
To maintain relationships and please others
To reassure the needlessly anxious
To spare unnecessary headaches
To gain control over a situation

What are the some of the advantages or more acceptable reasons for lying?

This question might seem out of place, because one might think there is absolutely no acceptable reason to tell a falsehood, but in understanding the reasons why people lie, we must understand the pros and cons of doing it at times.

the truth can be hurtful
helps avoid unnecessary conflict
helps maintain a sense of privacy

What are the potentially negative results that can arise out of using deception and lying?

destroys trust and creates distance
limits choices
and it's hard to contain

Are there tell tale signs that someone is lying?

Expand contractions, stressing full-form verbs, such as "did not" and "could not," to convince people they're speaking the truth.
Deny lying, making emphatic claims to be telling the truth, such as "I have no reason to lie."
Pause and use nonword sounds during hesitations in their speech ("uh," "er" and "ah" are examples).
Make speech errors and more frequent gaffes than people who speak the truth. Errors can include grammar, tense and losing thought in midsentence.
Stutter, stammer and become tongue-tied.
Clear their throats and make other noises.
Use qualifiers and modifiers, explanatory words, such as "however," "sometimes" and "generally.
Avert their gaze, trying to avoid eye contact.
Close their hands/interlock their fingers.
Cross their arms as if creating a barrier.
Drink and swallow more often than those who tell the truth.
Use fewer hand gestures, staying stiff, controlling the movements of their hands.
Shrug their shoulders and flip their hands over in an "open" (palms up) fashion.
Perform hand-to-face grooming, touching their face, ears and hair.
Handle objects, such as pens, papers and eyeglasses.
Blink less than people who tell the truth.
Do less finger pointing.
Lean and shift — leaning forward, resting their elbows on desktops or their knees. They also shift often when sitting.
Lick their lips often.
Pucker and tighten their lips.
Sigh and take deep breaths.
Smile more and laugh inappropriately.
Touch, scratch and rub their nose frequently.

Truthsayers and The Confrontation of Lies

Now that we've explored what a lie is and why it is used, it's time to return to the main point of this discussion. Empathic truthsayers, who like living lie detectors, say that they can discern lies from truth when they interact with others. I've heard people say that it is a very natural state, to hear someone talking to them, and to feel the fact that there are lies being spoken, at the same time.

Now whether one can do this or not, is not going to be the issue of contention here. Instead let's focus on another issue, which pertains to this topic. When someone believes they are a living lie detector, often they also feel the need to be confrontational about these kinds of things.

Because of this constant feeling of being lied to ,intentionally or unintentionally, resentment and aggravation toward others, in general, can accrue and cause people to forget things like personal boundaries, respect for others privacy, tolerance of others beliefs, and so on. Thus the person, who is an empathic truthsayer, can potentially become confrontational when faced with the imbalance of what is being said on the surface and what they are perceiving emotionally beneath the surface facade worn for the external world.

By far, this is not the only reason a truthsayer would act in an aggressive/confrontational way toward others. Some believe it is their duty, because they are in possession of this gift, to hold a mirror up to others, so that they are forced to face their truth head on. And this is done, whether the other party wants them to do this or not.

So, if you find you possess this ability, to discern when someone is dissembling, or not telling the whole truth, here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

Respect personal boundaries - Remember that you are two separate people and healthy boundaries should be maintained for the overall health of both parties.
Respect privacy - Just because you can detect lies, doesn't mean you have the right to bring another person's issues out into the open.
Respect others beliefs - You don't have to like or agree with others beliefs. But you can offer them tolerance and respect by not making issue of them during a confrontation.
Respect individuality - This one goes back to number one. Remember that you are two separate people with different beliefs, different feelings, different motivations, and different experiences.
Empathy - Remember that the truth hurts. Imagine how you would feel if you were confronted with a truth that you did not want to face. If you know you would be hurt, imagine how the other party is going to feel if you do it.
Right of Judgment - Ask yourself, what right you have to confront people with these 'truths' and to play judge, jury and executioner. Ask yourself what lays behind the driving need to be confrontational with others in such a way? And confront your own truth about this topic.
Just because you can, doesn't necessarily mean you should.

Consider these things as you approach another person, in order to confront them with the truth. Think about them as you interact with the exterior world. We live side by side, and sometimes it is important to be confrontational. But sometimes, it is of equal importance to allow people to have their privacy, their secrets, and own unspoken thoughts and opinions.

In Balance

When the gift of discernment toward truth and lies is in balance, imagine what a rich picture it can paint for your perception...the depths it can take you to emotionally within a another person. Imagine the depth of understanding which can be developed and cultivated, when it is utilized appropriately and is not abused to feed a sense of ego.

Being able to read between the lines....see beneath the surface...are gifts which allow each of us to connect with one another at a much deeper emotional and spiritual level. It is a precious thing. Think about it.

Trust & Empathy

2011-04-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

On this website, we often talk about empathy and all of the different issues that are associated with it, directly or indirectly. One such issue, we generally only touch upon indirectly, is that of trust. You see, empathy and trust go hand in hand as a platform for effective communication, understanding and relationships.

Empathy is about understanding another person's point of view. And part of the empathic process is about establishing trust through listening, without judgment, and offering understanding, even when one personally disagrees with the other person. All of this is done in order to develop a rapport with another person, in order to interact with them on equal footing.

In earnestly listening, without judgment, and offering understanding to the other person, even if we personally disagree with them, we offer them a level of respect as we communicate effectively with them. And respect, by meeting others on equal footing, is a basis for establishing both trust and empathy.

Trust

There are several ways to define trust. Let's look at some of these ways. The first that we will look at comes directly from a dictionary. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Trust like this:

a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
b : one in which confidence is placed

Another site takes a different approach in describing Trust:

Trust is both and emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner.

Predictability

Definition 1: Trust means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur. If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a safe present and an even better future.

Value Exchange

Definition 2: Trust means making an exchange with someone when you do not have full knowledge about them, their intent and the things they are offering to you.

Delayed Reciprocity

Definition 3: Trust means giving something now with an expectation that it will be repaid, possibly in some unspecified way at some unspecified time in the future.

Exposed Vulnerabilities

Definition 4: Trust means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting that they will not do this.

The Establishment Of Trust

Now that we have taken the definition of trust from a generic dictionary definition into the realm of emotions/logic, let's explore the emotional side of trust in more depth. First, we must ask ourselves some questions. When we feel trust, what kinds of emotions do we experience in association with trust, as a feeling? What does it take to come to the point of experiencing trust, and the emotions associated with it, with others?

Trust can engender many sensations, when we are interacting with others. Some emotions associated with trust include (but aren't limited to) companionship, friendship, love, contentment, agreement, relaxation, comfort, empathy and compassion.

Now, how does a person come to the point of feeling these kinds of sensations with another person? To answer that we have to understand what trust requires of us. Trust requires us to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open with others (vulnerable to the possibility of betrayal). It also requires us to think well of others, in general, and to have a positive outlook on the competence and trustworthiness of the people in question.

But trust is also a two way street. Now, one could surmise this two way street is about establishing trust on the part of each participant in the other person, during any interaction. And while that is definitely one level of this premise, it is not the only one.

Trust requires us to be vulnerable to other people. And in doing this, we not only must put our faith in someone else, but also in ourselves to be able to express such emotional states in the presence of another. What this means, is that even as we put trust/faith in the other person, we must be assured in our own worthiness in sharing such emotional expressions with others. If we do not trust ourselves, or our voices get halted by guilt, shame, or the belief that it isn't worth acknowledgment by others, then we will find ourselves unable to evince vulnerability to others. And trust can not be established.

Now we come back to the previous level of this process, in which each participant works to establish a rapport with the other person, where in, there is an ease of comfort during communication and interaction. For this to occur, there must be a degree of understanding and empathy between both parties. And this occurs through patience, the willingness to listen without judgment, and the genuine offering of respect and understanding.

Trusting someone is always about taking a leap of faith, because even if we can potentially predict the dependability of another person, based on their behaviors and opinions, and we can genuinely allow ourselves to be vulnerable with them, it is always about risk and stepping into the unknown in the hopes of gaining a positive association with others.

Trust And Empathy

As we stated at the beginning of this discussion, empathy and trust go hand in hand as a platform for effective communication, understanding and relationships. Empathy is about understanding another person's point of view. And part of the empathic process is about establishing a rapport of trust with others.

Engendering trust allows for a degree of reliance and connection to develop between two people. While enabling empathy between two parties, allows each to understand one another at a much deeper level. In other words, a connection of comfortable reliance is established and the process of sharing and understanding is openly allowed to occur. And this allows the connections that bind to deepen....establishing friendship.

Now, empathy has three different levels; the cognitive, the emotional, and the compassionate.

Cognitive Empathy: we recognize what another person is feeling
Emotional Empathy: we actually feel what the person is feeling
Compassionate Empathy: we want to help the person deal with their situation and emotions

Trust is established within the scope of compassionate empathy, where we have a desire to reach out to another person. This is because during the other two types of empathy, we may not necessarily express those feelings of camaraderie externally, even as we experience them within ourselves. It is only with the desire to reach out and help someone else, can trust be created.

What Does All Of This Mean?

All of this is simply an exploration into the connections between trust and empathy. It is offered up to be food for thought to be pondered, at your leisure. So think about it. ^_^

Emotional Exploration Of The Empath

2011-03-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

As an Empath, I've always been fascinated with the complete array of emotions that exist and can be expressed within the human life cycle. Watching as emotions, whether consciously realized or not, beget actions and reactions.

I believe, for our own personal benefit and development, it is very important to have an understanding of all of these emotions and how we are affected by them, because we tend to be so sensitive toward them. So let's take a look at them, so that we can learn to identify each emotion and it's meaning, as well as, how it affects us, as Empaths.

Plutchik's Wheel Of Emotions

For the purposes of this section, we will be using the model put forth by a man named Robert Plutchik, who created a wheel of emotions in 1980 which consisted of 8 basic emotions and 8 advanced emotions, each composed of 2 basic ones. In this wheel, he attempts to set forth how emotions, both base and complex, tend to beget one another in a layered effect.

Plutchik's theory says that the primary eight emotions are:

Fear - feeling afraid. Other words are terror (strong fear), shock, phobia (fear of one thing)
Anger - feeling angry. Another word is rage. One can be angry with themself or with others.
Sadness - feeling sad. Other words are sorrow, grief (a stronger feeling, for example when someone has died) or depression (feeling sad for a long time). Some people think depression is a different emotion.
joy - feeling happy. Other words are happiness, glee (when something good happens to someone. or something bad happens to someone else), gladness.
Disgust - feeling something is wrong or dirty.
Anticipation - feeling happy because of something in the future.
Trust - confident expectation of something; hope.
Surprise - how one feels when something happens quickly or when someone did not think it would happen.

In the secondary portion of this wheel of emotions, we come back to the idea of the eight advanced emotions that come into play when two of the basic emotions are combined. According to Plutchek's theory, they are:

Optimism - being optimistic. Being hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something.
Love - to love or to be loving. To feel strong affection and personal attachment.
Submission - to be submissive. Other words deference, passivity. It is the acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one's superior or superiors. It implies a yielding to the judgment of a recognized superior out of respect or reverence.
Awe - to be awestruck. Comparable to wonder, but less joyous. In general awe is directed at objects considered to be more powerful than the subject.
Disappointment - to become disappointed. Another word is regret or disapproval. It is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.
Remorse - To be remorseful. Other terms are personal regret, guilt, self-directed resentment. It is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent.
Contempt - to be contemptuous. Another word would be scorn. An intensely negative emotion regarding a person or group of people as inferior, base, or worthless.
Aggressiveness - to be aggressive. A predatory behavior between members of the same species that is intended to cause pain or harm.

In other words, the primary emotions are broken down into secondary emotions, which more closely resemble actual feelings.

Love: Affection, Lust/Sexual Desire, Longing
Joy: Cheerfulness, Zest, Contentment, Pride, Optimism, Enthrallment,Relief
Surprise: Surprise
Anger: Irritation, Exasperation, Rage, Disgust, Envy, Torment
Sadness: Suffering, Sadness, Disappointment, Shame, Neglect, Sympathy
Fear: Horror, Nervousness

Positive And Negative Emotions

To simplify this idea, let's look at two lists. The first one will list most, if not all, of the positive human emotions. And the second will list the negative human emotions.

List of negative human Emotions

Fear
Anger
Guilt
Depression
Pride
Jealousy
Self-pity
Anxiety
Resentment
Envy
Frustration
Shame
Denial
Offended
Negative
Regret
Resentful
Sad
Worried
Grief

List of positive human Emotions

Love
Appreciation
Happiness
Hope
Enthusiasm
Vitality
Confidence
Gratitude
Patient
Trust
Vulnerable
Optimistic
Appreciative
Ashamed
Astonished

Empaths And Emotion

Now that we have some basic information about emotions, we must ask ourselves, as Empaths, a few important questions. First would be, what does this list of emotions have to do with me? Why is it important to be able to identify different emotions, in oneself and in others?

An Empath is marked by an acute sensitivity to the feelings of others, where in, they actually feel another's pain and suffering. As they pick up on the feelings of others, there is, generally, a deep understanding toward the driving forces which instigate those emotions. This may not be conscious, though. Instead it might be intuitive, in that the Empath has no tangible evidence to prove what they reading off another person. So it becomes more of a gut feeling.

So, in recognizing and understanding the different types of emotions, we bring this process to the conscious level, instead of leaving it buried in the subconscious mind shrouded in mystery. It becomes a practical application that can be applied in the real world as we interact with others. It can turn something that is overwhelming for such a sensitive soul, into something that can be managed, because we can consciously tailor our responses upon the recognition of one emotion or another instead of having a knee jerk response.

As well, having a better understanding of emotions, in a multi-level perspective, also helps you connect the dots consciously, to better see what might be the source of the emotion being expressed. As an example, let's take the advanced emotion of remorse, which is a combination of the basic emotions sadness and disgust, and explore it a bit. If remorse is a product of sadness and disgust (generally directed at oneself), then there was probably an incident which raised feelings of guilt and regret over some behavior that caused harm to another person. If you understand the underlying emotions that bring forth a particular emotional reaction, it can help you consciously find a solution to the issue, instead of avoiding it by relegating it to the subconscious mind where it can slowly fester and erode a person's self esteem.

Understanding emotions in this way, can also help an Empath better distinguish which emotions belong to themselves and which emotions belong to others. It opens the door to doing self evaluation of emotions; "Does this belong to me or someone else?". Conscious recognition of emotions, and a deep abiding understanding of where the emotions are being emitted from, can also allow an Empath to better set boundaries for themselves, so they are not left drowning in a sea of emotions where in they lose perspective (unable to distinguish where the Empath ends and the other person begins emotionally) and their individual identity.

The lose of personal identity and the lose of perspective, are some of the biggest issues an Empath must deal with in their lives, because it is such a natural process for them to become symbiotic with those around them. Only through conscious awareness of the emotions and the ability to tailor one's responses to those emotional expressions (ie, how much empathy to offer another person based on the situational circumstances), can one move beyond simply coping day to day in the attempt to stave off the potential outcome of drowning. Awareness and the ability to readily modify one's own behavior, can allow a person to thrive, even with an Empath's sensitivity to the world around them.

Empaths: The Hero's Journey

2011-03-09T04:48:00.000-08:00

A lovely woman asked me recently for a story about something called "The Hero's Journey". And this got me thinking about how this archetype applies to those who are Empaths. So I thought it might be interesting to explore this topic in more detail. So let's delve into it a bit, shall we?

The Archetype

Firstly, before we delve deeper into this subject, we must understand exactly what an archetype is. Wikipedia describes it as:

An archetype is an original model of a person, ideal example, or a prototype upon which others are copied, patterned, or emulated; a symbol universally recognized by all. In psychology, an archetype is a model of a person, personality, or behavior.

In philosophy, archetypes since Plato at least, refer to ideal forms of the perceived or sensible things or types.

In the analysis of personality, the term archetype is often broadly used to refer to

a stereotype—personality type observed multiple times, especially an oversimplification of such a type,
an epitome—personality type exemplified, especially the "greatest" such example
a literary term to express details.
Archetype refers to a generic version of a personality. In this sense "mother figure" may be considered an archetype and may be identified in various characters with otherwise distinct (non-generic) personalities.

Archetypes are likewise supposed to have been present in folklore and literature for thousands of years, including prehistoric artwork. The use of archetypes to illuminate personality and literature was advanced by Carl Jung early in the 20th century, who suggested the existence of universal contentless forms that channel experiences and emotions, resulting in recognizable and typical patterns of behavior with certain probable outcomes.

In essence, an archetype is a prototype or model from which something is based. As it said, an archetype is a generic form used to represent personalities.

So, now that we have a better understanding of what an archetype is, let's take a look at the archetype called The Hero. In the book The Writer's Journey, by Christopher Vogler, Vogler breaks down the archetype of the Hero by saying: "The Hero is the protagonist or central character, whose primary purpose is to separate from the ordinary world and sacrifice himself for the service of the Journey at hand - to answer the challenge, complete the quest and restore the Ordinary World's balance. We experience the Journey through the eyes of the Hero."

The Hero's Journey

Now that we understand what an archetype is and what the hero archetype is, it's time to explore an idea called The Hero's Journey. The hero's journey is the path by which the Hero archetype is defined. The essence of the hero is not bravery or nobility, but self-sacrifice. The mythic hero is one who will endure separation and hardship for the sake of his clan. The hero must pay a price to obtain his goal.

The hero's journey during a story is a path from the ego, the self, to a new identity which has grown to include the experiences of the story. This path often consists of a separation from family or group to a new, unfamiliar and challenging world (even if it's his own back yard), and finally a return to the ordinary, but now expanded, world.

Within the hero's journey there are stages which the hero must walk through, in order to achieve his ultimate goal. Its stages are:

THE ORDINARY WORLD. The hero, uneasy, uncomfortable or unaware, is introduced sympathetically so the audience can identify with the situation or dilemma. The hero is shown against a background of environment, heredity, and personal history. Some kind of polarity in the hero’s life is pulling in different directions and causing stress.
THE CALL TO ADVENTURE. Something shakes up the situation, either from external pressures or from something rising up from deep within, so the hero must face the beginnings of change.
REFUSAL OF THE CALL. The hero feels the fear of the unknown and tries to turn away from the adventure, however briefly. Alternately, another character may express the uncertainty and danger ahead.
MEETING WITH THE MENTOR. The hero comes across a seasoned traveler of the worlds who gives him or her training, equipment, or advice that will help on the journey. Or the hero reaches within to a source of courage and wisdom.
CROSSING THE THRESHOLD. At the end of Act One, the hero commits to leaving the Ordinary World and entering a new region or condition with unfamiliar rules and values.
TESTS, ALLIES AND ENEMIES. The hero is tested and sorts out allegiances in the Special World.
APPROACH. The hero and newfound allies prepare for the major challenge in the Special world.
THE ORDEAL. Near the middle of the story, the hero enters a central space in the Special World and confronts death or faces his or her greatest fear. Out of the moment of death comes a new life.
THE REWARD. The hero takes possession of the treasure won by facing death. There may be celebration, but there is also danger of losing the treasure again.
THE ROAD BACK. About three-fourths of the way through the story, the hero is driven to complete the adventure, leaving the Special World to be sure the treasure is brought home. Often a chase scene signals the urgency and danger of the mission.
THE RESURRECTION. At the climax, the hero is severely tested once more on the threshold of home. He or she is purified by a last sacrifice, another moment of death and rebirth, but on a higher and more complete level. By the hero’s action, the polarities that were in conflict at the beginning are finally resolved.
RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR. The hero returns home or continues the journey, bearing some element of the treasure that has the power to transform the world as the hero has been transformed.

Hero Archetype

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The Hero's Inner Journey

The Hero's Journey does not end with the outer journey, which is expressed through the progression of the plot and the gaining of experience. There is a second level to this process called The Hero's Inner Journey.

At the first level, the outer one existing within the plot, the journey is about achievement. It’s the visible story. It is the chronological order of events experienced upon the road of the journey. Conversely, at the deeper level, the inner journey is one of internal growth It is the story of fulfillment. But it is not one that is readily seen, and instead must be perceived through the interpretation of the plot and empathizing with the hero's ever evolving character.

Now within this internal journey, there are three basic character arcs. Character arcs are essentially the status of the character as it unfolds throughout the story. Another way to look at it is, characters begin the story with a certain viewpoint and, through events in the story, that viewpoint changes. So, let's take a look at those three basic character arcs:

To risk being who you really are. The hero learns to stand up for who he is regardless of what others think.
To risk doing what is right. The hero does the honest thing in spite of the consequences.
To risk connecting with others. The hero opens up to relationships even if they bring trouble and sorrow.

What does all of this literary information have to do with being an Empath? Hmm, interesting question. Now that we've explored what the hero's journey is, in both the external and internal levels, let's explore a bit more in order to find the answer to this question.

The Empath's Journey

We've explored the classic Journey of the Hero , which is defined by Joseph Campbell and others, as an individual going on a journey of initiation to awaken an inner knowing or spiritual power. The Self emerges as the Hero faces physical and internal obstacles, confronting the survival fears that would compromise his journey of empowerment and conquering the forces arrayed against him. The Hero then returns to the tribe with something of great value to all. Now, take away the archetype of the Hero and superimpose that of the Empath on this journey.

If you will practice being fictional for a while,

you will understand that fictional characters

are sometimes more real than

people with bodies and heartbeats.

~~Richard Bach

A newly discovered Empath is generally one who is drowning in their hypersensitivity. They are confused, afraid, and often times isolated, out of fear of judgment and derision, not to mention the overwhelming pressure they feel when around more than a few people.

Now think of the Ordinary World, which was the first stage in the hero's journey. And then think of the second one, The Call To Adventure. Within the journey of the Empath, the call to adventure, which takes them out of the ordinary world, is the discovery of the term Empath.

When we reach stage 3, Refusal Of The Call, this is when an Empath begins to do research about what an Empath is and questions the validity of it. It is a time when it all seems to be 'to good to be true' because it causes so many pieces of one's life to make sense all at once.

At stage 4, Meeting With A Mentor, what we find is that people who have started researching the term Empath and contemplating how this affects their lives, tend to seek out people of like mind. They do this to find answers and to feel like they are not alone in this very strange journey, which seems to draw them out of the normal world.

Then at stage 5, Crossing The Threshold, what we see is the Empath beginning to fully accept and even embrace what they seem to be. During this time we also watch as the Empath discovers all the new rules and rhythms of their new community. They begin to learn how to center, ground and shield, as well as, how to detach from others.

We could go on in this same vein through the entire list, but that would miss the point of this discussion with to much detail. You see, Empaths, upon discovering who and what they are, that there is a name for what is happening to them and that they are not just overly sensitive, crazy, or weird, feel as though they have found a purpose for their lives that was otherwise missing. These can range from simply helping people along their journey to the idea of a great destiny where in they help usher in a new era of spiritual development for mankind.

The point here, isn't to focus on the specific purpose, but to understand that this one single term, Empath, is a catalyst, of sorts, towards the development of a new self awareness. Much like the Hero's Journey, the realization and recognition of this term thrusts the person, who associates this word with themselves, into a newly discovered world. It takes them out of their mundane existence, where in, there seemed no way to overcome something that wasn't understood, their overwhelming hypersensitivity toward others emotionally and energetically.

Within that journey, they begin to develop a new identity and a new perception of themselves, where, what once seemed like a handicap, can be utilized as a productive gift instead. And with this new found purpose and confidence, it can allow people to attempt things they wouldn't have dreamed possible before this time; to risk being themselves, to risk speaking up and doing what is right(for themselves and for others), and to risk connecting the other people, which was often shunned before the change.

Much like the Hero's internal and external journeys, the journey of the Empath is one of broadening awareness and self discovery. And while it may begin with a single word, Empath, it has the potential to expand itself to encompass a person's entire existence, as well as touch the lives of innumerable others.

In this, our individual journeys, despite their differences, seems much like the literary device of the Hero Archetype. We are all heroes in our own right. We are all on a journey to somewhere. So remember to stop and enjoy the ride along the way, instead of focusing only on what you think is at the end of the path. Because the important things aren't at the end. They are in front of you, in the here and now. And even in your seemingly mundane world, your journey of excitement and self awareness is happening....right now.

Think about it.

Deconstructing the Highly Sensitve Person: Part One

2011-02-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

There are a great many perspectives to take when it comes to Highly Sensitive People and Empaths. For one, you can see it through a psychic lens, watching the flow of energy from one point to another, or you can view it through a religious lens, the ability of discernment. However, for the scope of this blog, I'll take a scientific and psychological perspective. I'll break down the causes and effects of being Highly Sensitive, as well as examine exactly how it all works to make one empathic, as opposed to empathetic.

Before I go into too much detail, I'll start off with some basic definitions to make sure everyone is on the same page:

Psychology (lit. "study of the soul" or "study of the mind") is an academic and applied discipline which involves the scientific study of human (or animal) mental functions and behaviors.

Psychological - mental or emotional as opposed to physical in nature; "give psychological support"; "psychological warfare"

Empathy, which literally translates as in feeling, is the capability to share another being's emotions and feelings.
Also, the intellectual identification of the thoughts, feelings, or state of another person; capacity to understand another person's point of view or the result of such understanding.

Empathetic - showing empathy or ready comprehension of others' states; "a sensitive and empathetic school counselor".

Empathic - the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is a person having the innate trait of high sensitivity (or innate sensitiveness as Carl Jung originally coined it). This is a specific trait with key consequences that in the past has often been confused with innate shyness, social anxiety problems, inhibitedness, or even social phobia and innate fearfulness, introversion, and so on. Although the term is primarily used to describe humans, the trait is present in nearly all higher animals. (Wikipedia:HSP)

Latent inhibition (potential prevention) is a technical term used in Classical conditioning. A stimulus that has not had any significance in the past takes longer to acquire meaning (as a signal) than a new stimulus. It is "a measure of reduced learning about a stimulus to which there has been prior exposure without any consequence." One is practicing latent inhibition when one tries to ignore an ongoing sound (like an air conditioner) or tune out the conversation of others.(Wikipedia:Latent Inhibition)

The above definition might not make much sense now, but it will soon enough.

Low Latent Inhibition - Most people are able to ignore the constant stream of incoming stimuli, but this capability is reduced in those with low latent inhibition. Low latent inhibition seems to cause one person to be more distractible than another. Those of above average intelligence are thought to be capable of processing this stream effectively, enabling their creativity. Those with less than average intelligence, on the other hand, are less able to cope, and so as a result are more likely to suffer from mental illness and sensory overload.
(Please note that this is Wikipedia's definition, and not my own. It is, however, important for later)

Agoraphobia (from Greek ἀγορά, "marketplace"; and φόβος/φοβία, -phobia) is an anxiety disorder. Agoraphobia may arise by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no perceived easy means of escape. Alternatively, social anxiety problems may also be an underlying cause. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia avoid public and/or unfamiliar places, especially large, open spaces such as shopping malls or airports where there are few places to hide. Although mostly thought to be a fear of public places, it is now believed that agoraphobia develops as a complication of panic attacks. (Wikipedia:Agoraphobia)

Panic attacks are episodes of intense sudden fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and are mainly over within 30 minutes. Panic attacks can be as short as 15 seconds, or can be cyclic, lasting for an extended period, sometimes hours. Panic attacks are distinguished from other forms of anxiety by their intensity and their sudden, episodic nature. They are often experienced in conjunction with anxiety disorders and other psychological conditions, although panic attacks are not usually indicative of a mental disorder. (Wikipedia:Panic Attack)

Posttraumatic stress disorder (also known as post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. Diagnostic symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal – such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance.

Now, none of these definitions may seem connected at first, but they are all the pieces to the puzzle we know as empathy and being an empath.

Genesis of the Empath

According to the definition of a Highly Sensitive Person, the trait is a neurological difference that can be measured. This essentially means that an increased sensitivity to things that happen around you is a physical trait as well as a mental one. In the popular understanding, this is where the genetic part comes into play. This is a natural born 'empath', i.e. one who was born sensitive.

The research on sensory-processing sensitivity, however, builds on Eysenck's views on introversion and arousal and Gray's work on the inhibition system. This research in turn builds on Pavlov's work on sensory response to both physical and mental over-stimulation, and work by Jung and his contemporaries differentiating extroverted and introverted cognitive sensitivity types. This research shows that about 15-20% of humans and higher animals have a nervous system that is more sensitive to subtleties. This means that regular sensory information is processed and analyzed to a greater extent, which contributes to creativity, intuition, sensing implications and attention to detail, but which may also cause quick over-stimulation and over-arousal. (Wikipedia:HSP)

What this all means is that the research being done on hypersensitivity ties the work of many great psychologists together. This is also where latent inhibition comes into play. Latent inhibition is the time it takes for something to be associated with something else in the mind. Such as a pedal that shocks you when you step on it; before long you would realize the pedal shocks you, but it would take two or three presses to make sure. Low latent inhibition means that connection is made more quickly, such as after so much as one press. That's a very simple example, and for the most part highly sensitive people won't even notice those connections being made. Their subconscious does however.

The ability to unconsciously or semi-consciously process environmental subtleties often contributes to an HSP seeming "gifted" or possessing a "sixth sense". (same article as above)

Unconsciously, connections are made and patterns established. They may not even be aware of those connections, but their subconscious slips little messages to them that can take many forms. Little subtle thoughts, metaphors in all shapes and sizes, as well as complex feelings are all examples of our subconscious talking to us. Dreams are a major example that are well beyond the scope of this blog, but that is a huge method through which the subconscious can communicate (as well, Freud wrote an entire book on it: link).

The mind is all about associations, patterns, and future predictions. Even walking becomes an automatic function after a while that is easily upset by one unforeseen little change, which we've all found out when we trip over the tiniest step in our path that we didn't notice (this is why "watch your step" signs are needed). Our subconscious is always analyzing and predicting the future, and combine that with low latent inhibition, you have someone who appears to be psychic, and even they don't know how they do it.

As far as processing information our surroundings 'deeply' comes into play, we much look at a phenomenon called "change blindness". Many, many stage performers take advantage of this. Please watch this video:

(to see just how far change blindness can be pushed, see this)

There simply is too much information entering our mind at one single instant to be aware of it all. Our brains would break down, and we would be unable to function as we would have no idea what is important to pay attention to. So our minds take what is important and leave off the rest: we are 'unaware' of it. This happens to us every day, all the time. You don't even notice your own breathing most of the time, unless something directs your attention to it. However, a highly sensitive person is more inclined to be aware of his or her surroundings, if even unconsciously. That is another consequence of low latent inhibition, more things are considered "important" to the mind. This is also where being overloaded in crowds originates from. So many things come into the mind that are considered important and deserving of attention that it drives the mind crazy. Metaphors of shields and protection bubbles may be used to protect the mind, but these techniques only treat the symptoms of the problem and not the problem in itself.

So, to summarize, the genetic component of a highly sensitive person gives them increased sensitivity to changes (stimuli), and an increased ability to form connections and patterns about their environment, which includes the people in it. This unconscious awareness of their surroundings gives them an amazing intuitive grasp of their environment and the people they encounter and have relationships with.

However, not all sensitive people are born; a great many are made.

The Empathic Factory

Abuse.

This is not the only cause, but it is one of the biggest. It's tough to find any real dictionary or encyclopedia definitions or discussions about this topic. However, there is a process to it. Hypersensitivity engendered out of abuse is a survival mechanism. It is a skill refined through necessity. The victim in this case becomes aware of all the tiniest hints and cues that the abuser is escalating or is close to becoming violent or abusive, and this gives them time to emotionally prepare. This process may be done consciously, or most likely, unconsciously. This skill cannot exactly be turned off, and is used on everyone, thus giving the victim a strong intuitive grasp on the emotional states of other people.

Body language and microexpressions are two developing fields in psychology which are being used to essentially read the minds of people. Unconscious body language is almost universal, and according to recent research, there are seven universal emotional expressions we display. Thus, over time, a person will recognize when those expressions or body movements appear, and associate that with a rising anger level or a high chance for abuse to begin. Over time, the person gets very adept at understanding those subtle changes and movements, and since they are universal, that intuitive awareness allows them to read not just their abuser, but everyone else in their life. One example of this is quite interesting. For someone who was physically abused, for a while afterwards they may have a very strong automatic fear of raised fists. The setting could be friendly and relaxed, but as soon as someone raises a fist, even for a fist pump or a bro-fist, the victim of abuse immediately shrinks down and is overcome with fear.

However, to say that only abuse or only genetics creates highly sensitive people is to look through a very narrow perspective. More than likely, all of these factors come into play. If we just look at low latent inhibition, an increased ability to connect ideas lends itself very well to an intuitive understanding of body language. Abuse could also be the environmental trigger for already sensitive people to develop into full blown hypersensitivity, such as some genetic traits require triggers to begin to show symptoms. All these ideas are just pieces to a large puzzle, and these by no means are all the pieces.

The Empathic Mechanism

Empathy in itself is a rather complex process. The most basic definition is for one to "put themselves in another's shoes" and to feel what the other would feel in that situation. To empathize with someone is to truly understand how they feel, even if you say or do nothing. It's that simple. Most of the time, it's an unconscious process. We don't need to explicitly create a mental situation in which we are feeling what the other person feels, we simply see them and relate to them. Such as a friend falling down and scraping their knee; you don't need to mentally reconstruct a memory where you fell down and scraped your knee, you simply see the pain that person feels and relate to it because you've felt it before. That is empathy.

Breaking it down requires several different approaches. The first is an interesting find in the field of neurology. There is a machine called an fMRI which magnetically measures blood flow in the brain. Under these machines, it has been found that when people empathize with others, the same areas of the brain activate. Thus the term "mirror neuron" because our nervous system actually mirrors the other person. Many discoveries like this have been made over the years, including that running and simply thinking of running cause the same reactions in our bodies and muscles. We, and many animals, biologically imitate others at a very deep level. This is the biological approach to empathy: observing others experiencing emotion causes our bodies to react and feel the same emotion.

A second approach is a more psychological and cognitive approach. Stored within our minds is a vast movie of everything we've ever done, said, thought, and experienced. We carry around a lifetime of experiences. We also tend to remember what we felt and how we felt more than specific details about the past. The mind is also very good at picking apart details and connections between ideas. So after enough experiences with pain, anger, sorrow and joy, we tend to know what makes us feel that and how it feels. When we observe another person experiencing that emotion, we automatically connect our past experiences, and compare. We figure out what they're feeling based on our own past experiences. And to take one step further, we are fully capable of breaking down ideas into smaller components so our experiences are quite simply mental building blocks. Using those building blocks we are able to, with relative accuracy, reconstruct what another person is going through in our minds and feel that ourselves. Of course, most of this happens automatically and unconsciously. You don't even notice it happening. It's much like when someone asks you to "imagine how they feel" in a situation. You think about what they're going through, and imaginatively place yourself in that situation. Of course, you can't create a separate reality in your mind, so you draw on what you already know and have experienced in the past. It's the same process, one just happens without verbal thoughts.

A third approach is more a social psychology approach. There are roughly 40 muscles in the human face, most of which are used for expression of emotion. Some expressions last for only a few milliseconds, and show a person's genuine emotion before they consciously control their expression; these are microexpressions. Only 7 percent of a conversation is expressed in the words. Consciously and unconsciously we all read body language and see expressions, even microexpressions. Crossing arms, crossing legs, breaking eye contact, maintaining eye contact, leaning in, leaning away, tapping fingers or feet, rubbing the nose or face, twisting rings or messing with jewelry, everyone sees body language even if they don't consciously notice it. When we agree with someone or like them, we mirror their body language. When we oppose someone or disagree, we may cross our arms and lean away. These things all have unconscious meaning, and it's all nonverbal communication. Now, add in an increased awareness, an intuitive grasp of human psychology and an increased ability to recognize small details and you have what is considered an empath.

Emotional contagion is a separate topic all in itself, but I will briefly explain what it is. Emotional contagion is simply the tendency for people to feel what others are feeling. It's basically just unconscious empathy. Has anyone ever infected you with a smile or with joy? You couldn't help but feel happy around them, even if you felt down before? That is emotional contagion. If someone has ever been a "downer" or brought you down from happiness, that is also emotional contagion.

Fruits of Hypersensitivity

Obviously the biggest trait of one who is hypersensitive is an exceptionally intuitive grasp on the emotions of others. Several things come as a consequence of this and the way empaths are conditioned. First off, I will describe a very common trait among empaths, and is even included in many lists of empathic traits.

Empaths are people-pleasers, they can't help it. Teasing out a smile from a friend or loved one is as natural to them as breathing, and they will do whatever it takes to feel that smiling approval from their contemporaries. Taken to extremes, this trait leads to fatal self-compromise, as the Empath loses her integrity in her attempts to win acceptance and love from parents, friends, spouses, and children. (Identifying as an Empath)

Having an intuitive grasp on the psychology of others lends itself easily to one becoming distracted and outwardly focused, as opposed to a healthy balance of outward and inward focus. This may be a coping mechanism to deal with an internal issue or problem that one doesn't want to touch. This easily becomes what is known as "altruism to a fault", where the person places their self-esteem and self-worth on helping other people. They give and give until there's nothing left. This is the type of person that smiles and laughs and throws parties, but cries herself to sleep at night. This is the white knight stereotype, the person who lives to help other people.

A second problem many hypersensitive people experience is a feeling of being overwhelmed in crowds. There are many ways to look at this issue, but I'll just focus on two: the first is a social psychology approach, the other is a more internal psychotherapy approach. The first approach is similar to what was described earlier: a feeling of being overwhelmed because of all the incoming information. A highly sensitive person with an increased awareness may be seeing so much and taking in so many details that it puts too much stress on their system. Their unconscious is feeding them so many details it deems 'important', the emotional states of others, that it overloads them. A good example is a dog or a horse. This may not seem very relevant, but bear with me here. For a scent dog or a horse that pulls a carriage, you have to actually get them adjusted to a city. The first time they experience a big city, there is so much going on that it causes them to get overly anxious and in some cases, deathly fearful. Over time, they learn to ignore the many many sights and sounds, but for that first time, they just get overloaded. It's way too much new stuff at once. Since humans are much more complex though, and we have nobody forcing us to deal with being overloaded, we may never learn how to filter out the useless information through experience. We may also develop a fear of that situation, and refuse to get the experience that would help. This leads nicely into the next topic, and you'll see why in a second.

The second approach deals more with what made the person sensitive in the first place. Abuse and problems growing up have the tendency to leave people with anxiety disorders. A very common anxiety disorder is agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is not just a fear of open spaces, or a fear of the outside, but also a fear of crowds and public places with lots of people. This can cause what is known as a panic attack. Panic attacks are terrifying experiences, and among the symptoms are feelings of suffocating, extreme anxiety and fear. Often those who experience a panic attack will develop fears of the situation where it occurred.

Once someone has had a panic attack, he or she may develop irrational fears, called phobias, about the situations they are in during the attacks and begin to avoid them. That, in turn, may reach the point where the mere idea of doing things that preceded the first panic attack triggers terror or dread of future panic attacks, resulting in the individual with panic disorder being unable to drive or even step out of the house. If this occurs, the person is considered to have panic disorder with agoraphobia. (emedicinehealth: Panic Attack)

Now this may be an extreme example, but it sounds familiar. Those who experienced overwhelming feelings in crowds may in turn, avoid crowds. Eventually they will feel inundated because of the building anxiety that occurs when they are in crowds. Quite a vicious circle.

Psychologically and genetically, an empath is one who is more sensitive to their environment and the details therein. But the key here, is that this is not all an empath is. Reality is inclusive, not exclusive. There are many things science has yet to uncover and examine. This is the scientific perspective, and all perspectives are equally valid. And no matter what perspective you take, empathy is a beautiful thing. A man sitting on the bus, his head hanging downward, his hands loosely sitting in his lap, looks up to see someone looking back at him. The stranger gives the man a soft smile. That is empathy.

The Abusive Empath

2011-02-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

In the blog The Abused Empath we talked about Empaths who have a tendency to come from abusive situations, be it from a home life, a loved one, or even a stranger. We talked about the potential long term effects that abuse can have on people.

In the same vein, I think it is equally important to talk about the other side of this through the Abusive Empath. Now I know this kind of seems like an oxymoron, given what most people presume an Empath is. How can they be abusive? Aren't they more likely, as people who are hypersensitive people pleasers, to be abused instead?

But we come back to the most basic fact which is that Empaths are human beings who go through any number of life long human experiences which carry with them the potential to condition them into certain kinds of behaviors. So we are going to explore this uncomfortable topic in more detail, because it is an important one to understand.

Negative Potentials Of An Empath

An Empath is generally someone who is considered a people pleaser who excels in being a mediator and/or a counselor. They are the people who always have a shoulder to lean on. They are the people that listen when you have problems. They are the people who care.

But because they have this type of hypersensitivity toward other people's emotional states, there is also potential to abuse this trait. This is true because with this kind of emotional awareness comes the ability consciously manipulate it for personal gain.

Let's put this another way, as we introduce the Empath to you, often the person who has the capability and capacity to offer genuine empathy to others, can potentially hold the emotional well being or the emotional destruction of another person in the palm of their hands.

Now, I know that sounds like a gross overestimation of the influence an Empath can play on the emotional lives of those around them. But in truth, it is not to far from reality. When a person consciously wields awareness through emotional and interpersonal intelligence, they have as much potential to wreak havoc on those around them as they do to help them.

Intelligence

To elaborate a bit, Interpersonal Intelligence is a type of intelligence that focuses on communication. Those who exhibit strong interpersonal intelligence are good at understanding and interacting with other people. These individuals are skilled at assessing the emotions, motivations, desires and intentions of those around them.

And Emotional Intelligence is defined in terms of emotional empathy, attention to, and discrimination of, one's emotions, accurate recognition of one's own and others' moods, mood management or control over emotions, response with appropriate (adaptive) emotions and behaviors in various life situations, especially to stress and difficult situations, balancing of honest expression of emotions against courtesy, consideration, and respect (i.e., possession of good social skills and communication skills).

Given this description, Emotional Intelligence would seem to encompass and expand upon Interpersonal Intelligence. This is because it isn't just an awareness of others, as Interpersonal Intelligence is. It is a broader spectrum awareness that includes self and others. In other words, Emotional Intelligence also includes something called Intrapersonal Intelligence, which means being adept at looking inward and figuring out their own feelings, motivations and goals. People who exhibit this kind of intelligence are introspective and seek understanding. They are intuitive and typically introverted. And they learn best independently. So what we end up with is a multidimensional awareness called Emotional Intelligence, which is inclusive of both Interpersonal and Intrapersonal Intelligence.

Now add to that a heightened awareness to the emotional states of others, where in one may share in those emotional states right along side the other person. And you have someone who may exhibit a deeper understanding of human psychology and behavior than most people generally do.

Now we must return to the very basic fact that the people we are speaking about are human beings. The reason for this is because we must now take into account other things which can have a deep abiding impact on the psyche of an Empath. That is to say, things that can have an impact on anyone, not just Empaths.

What are these things, you might be wondering? Well, here we come to things like environment and nurturing, from the formative years to adulthood. These things can have an impact on how an Empath reacts to certain situations that will occur throughout their lives as they navigate the world around them.

Let me say here, that this is not going to be an all inclusive blog to tell you about each and every factor that can play a part in the possibility of Empaths becoming abusive in the future. There are simply to many to cover. Instead we will look at a few examples that exemplify how these kinds of things can impact a person's social interactions later in life.

Abuse

For instance, let us look at abuse. We talked about this some in the other blog, The Abused Empath, where we spoke about the long term effects of child abuse on people. But in that discussion we focused on the Empath becoming a life long victim. But there is another side to this.

There are statistics that say that upto 1/3 of abused children will potentially go on to victimize their own children. Mind you, this does not say that the only people who become abusers are those who have been abused themselves. Nor does it point a finger and say that if you have been abused, you will be one of that 1/3 to abuse other people. But this lends to a pattern of behavior that carries forward in a person's life, that they might have assumed were normal conditions to live with when they were suffering from abuse themselves.

Let me show you a statement I found interesting about Abuse:

Children are traumatized by witnessing violence in their family. The children in these homes are at high risk of being battered themselves by either the batterer or the victim. In addition, the long-term effects of witnessing such violence can create a cycle of violence that spans generations. We know that many men who are abusive witnessed their mothers being abused and many were victims of physical abuse themselves. We also know that women who come from a family in which they witnessed their mother being battered are more susceptible to developing what is called "battered women's syndrome." Such women may come to believe there is nothing they can do to get out of an abusive relationship. Both men and women who come from abusive homes may come to view the violence they have witnessed as normal, and carry it into their own relationships as adults.

Emotional Suppression

Moving on, we come to another set of issues that can play an equally large part on an Empath, or anyone for that matter, and that is psychological issues and mental illness. One of these, which is a type of psychological issue, is called Emotional Suppression.

One site says this about Emotional Suppression:

Essentially, Emotional Suppression is a type of emotion regulation strategy -– these are strategies that we use to try to make uncomfortable thoughts and feelings more manageable. Suppressing emotions, or just trying to push emotional thoughts and feelings out of your mind, is an emotion regulation strategy many people use. And, when used from time to time, it doesn't have dramatic negative consequences like drug or alcohol use. But, there is reason to believe that if you try to push emotions away all the time, emotional suppression could lead to problems.

Let's look at how this applies to what we are discussing in our broader topic. Emotional Suppression, which can also sometimes be referred to as Emotional Repression and/or Emotional Dissociation, is basically a strategy used to repress unwanted thoughts and emotions. There are numerous reasons one might utilize this tact from family discomfort toward emotions to societal viewpoints on emotional expression. But beyond the why, we come to the possible consequences of this strategy.

You see, Emotional Suppression forces the conscious mind to relegate certain emotions/thoughts to the unconscious mind and the physical body. And the unconscious mind/body can only hold so much repressed material before it has to get rid of something. When you give your emotional responsibilities to the body, it can eventually end up translating into pain and/or illness. When you give those emotions to the unconscious mind and tell it that negative emotions are unacceptable, you unconscious mind works extremely hard to make that happen for you. But eventually things begin to seep out and can lead to things from depressive thoughts and suicide attempts to explosive rage, bullying, and even violence.

Narcissism

Narcissism, as in excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance, can be defined by several different standards. In psychology it's meaning is an extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type. In psychoanalysis it is a self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

Narcissism would essentially be an overdeveloped focus on one's self to the exclusion of all others. What this means is that the person we are talking about wouldn't just be focused on themselves or in love with themselves, though. They would also be self serving in how they interact with other people.

These are the types of people who need to be the center of attention. This could be done by playing the consummate victim, in order to keep everyone's focus on them with emotions like sympathy and pity. This can also be done through more manipulative and/or aggressive means, as well. Meaning that there can be different types of abuse involved in this process, in order to keep another person's focus on the Narcissist.

Often times, this kind of behavior is cover for such things as low self esteem. And it can be expressed through a need to give oneself a false sense of pride in oneself. This can mean causing the focus to be on themselves or through making themselves look better, smarter, or prettier than those around them.

The Abusive Empath

Now when you combine any number of these factors with the idea of being hypersensitive to the emotions and emotional states of others, which is the general definition of what an Empath is, what you find is someone with the potential to do a great deal of harm to other people. It doesn't have to be physical harm, either. Our main focus here is psychological and emotional harm.

These people often wear masks to cover up these traits, as well. So they are very hard to recognize. Anyone can fall prey to them, even the most developmentally aware Empaths.

So understanding that abuse is not limited to one type of personality is important. And recognizing, in stead of denying the truth, that Empaths carry the same types of issues that other types of people do, is of equal importance, as well.

Empaths come in all shapes and sizes, with all kinds of personalities, that are not limited to the types defined in the 16 Common Traits Of An Empath. And some types, based off their personal issues, can be more detrimental, through social discourse and interaction, than others.

To help you understand this better, I'm going to offer you some characteristics of an Emotional Manipulator, by gender, and then the different types of emotional manipulation. These are important because Empaths, in particular, can become very adept at these things.

Common Characteristics of an Emotional Abuser

Male

1. He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

2. He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

3. Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

4. His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

5. Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

6. He has low self-esteem.

7. He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

8. He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

9. He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

10. A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.

11. The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.

Female

1. She was verbally abused as a child, witnessed it in her own family, or was verbally abused by a previous partner.

2. She has low self-esteem.

3. She has an intense temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

4. Her sense of power or control depends on her partner's acquiescence and his performance per her demands. She feels "in control" only if her partner is totally passive and giving in to all of her preferences and decisions.

5. She has rigid expectations or fantasies of marriage, partnership, or men, and will not compromise. She expects him to behave according to her expectations of what her partner should be like; perhaps the way her parents' marriage was, or its opposite. She demands that he change to accommodate her expectations.

6. She projects the blame for all relationship difficulties onto her partner. She wouldn't get angry if only he would be who she wants him to be... She wouldn't drink if he didn't make her unhappy... She denies the need for counseling because there's "nothing wrong with her, only with him." She might not want him to get counseling because she's threatened by the threat of an outsider "taking sides" with him.

7. Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

8. Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Her primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with her husband/boyfriend.

9. She may be described as having a dual personality -- she is either sweet or exceptionally cruel and sharp. She is selfish or generous depending on her mood.

10. A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. She can be sweet, calm, charming and convincing.

11. The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to her partner as a person in his own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when she's angry. She assumes that he is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often her father (or other family member or authority figure).

Here are the different types of Emotional Manipulation that exist:

Forms of Emotional Manipulation

1. Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.

2. Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

3. Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN

4. Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

5. Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

6. Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

So in the end, what is the point of all of this information? It breaks down to nothing more than awareness. Being aware that Empaths are human beings, before anything else, who have the same potential as anyone else to become manipulative and/or abusive. They are, perhaps, even more adept at it than most people are. So think about it and Be aware.

You can find more on this topic here:

The Abused Empath
The Repressed Emotion: Anger
Profile Of A Narcissist & Symptoms Of Narcissism
Unconscious Motivations: The Secret Life Of An Empath
Low Self Esteem And It's Possible Effects
When You Are Safest In The Middle Of The Road: A Look At Emotional Extremes
Toxic People: Recognizing And Dealing With Them
The Empathic/Emotional Manipulator
The Big No No: Empathic Manipulation

Crossing the bridge of pain

2011-02-04T22:29:00.000-08:00

Every step on this bridge is so hard to take.. It looks like it sucks my energy and my legs are so heavy to lift. The closer I get the painful this journey has become. This bridge, how long it will take to cross? Flames and then blizzards, there is no end to this.. But I must hold on, I will try to take one more step and one more step.. and one step at a time ..I will cross the bridge.

This mist will melt when flames come.. Snow will fall to cool me then.. I suffered every minute to cross this goal.. I blamed my self and blamed every one... I saw me in reflections around me.. I never closed my eyes to look inside me.. I looked down up on myself, I stood in line with ones that made me... And I see the one who pained me.. Hmm alas its none other than me..

Pain is something no one can avoid, if they are born in this world. Pain is not something that you choose to worship. It takes a lot of time to find peace with your pain. But it is important to know, what is soaking your feet.. It's important to become free from the pain itself. Don't stand in the line with others to sympathize, comment, ridicule, hate or anything likes..Don't be a burden to your own self..

Be one with your self.. Its OK to be you.. It's better if you are some one better than you are . Cross the bridge of pain..

Remembering every one who helped me to find my peace.. in love

Empaths: The Mourning After

2011-02-02T09:47:00.000-08:00

Recently people have come to me with questions about grieving. They've asked how one gets over the lose of someone they love. How does one move on from a breakup with a loved one? How does one move beyond mourning when a loved one passes away? How does one walk away, effectively cutting a connection, when friends become toxic and disparaging?

I'd like to say this is an Empath issue, because people who are emotionally hypersensitive feel this kind of pain more acutely than others, in a much deeper way. But alas, this is not so. Everyone suffers this whether it is through death, breakup or the end of a friendship.

The Grieving Process

Through the period of one single lifetime, things evolve and change over time. People come and go in our lives. Those we love pass away or drift away from us. And in the stark reality of that lose, we are left alone to grieve in our own unique ways.

Many people have tried to explain what grief is; some have even identified certain stages of grief. Probably the most well-known of these might be from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis. These stages can easily be applied to other forms of lose, as well.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Within these stages there are also many different symptoms that range in types. They are expressed mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and even behaviorally. Let's look at some of these symptoms:

Physical

Hyperactive or under active
Feelings of unreality
Physical distress such as chest pains, abdominal pains, headaches, nausea
Change in appetite
Weight change
Fatigue
Sleeping problems
Restlessness
Crying and sighing
Feelings of emptiness
Shortness of breath
Tightness in the throat

Mental

Confusion (memory, concentration, judgment and comprehension difficulties)
Intrusion (unwanted thoughts, arousal, nightmares)
Dissociation (feeling of detachment and unreality, disorientation, denial)

Emotional

Numbness
Sadness
Anger
Fear
Relief
Irritability
Guilt
Loneliness
Longing
Anxiety
Meaninglessness
Apathy
Vulnerability
Abandonment

Social

Overly sensitive
Dependent
Withdrawn
Avoid others
Lack of initiative
Lack of interest

Behavioral

Forgetfulness
Searching for the deceased
Slowed thinking
Dreams of the deceased
Sense the loved one’s presence
Wandering aimlessly
Trying not to talk about loss in order to help others feel comfortable around them
Needing to retell the story of the loved one’s death

Spiritual

Questioning the reason for:

Your loss
The purpose of pain and suffering
The purpose of life
The meaning of death

On the surface, mourning seems only to be about death. It is the process by which we learn to cope with the lose of someone we've known and cared for. But while it includes death, it does not preclude other types of lose, as well. Whether a person lives or dies after they have left us, is relatively moot, because that sharp stab of pain that wrenches the heart into tearful refrain, comes upon us either way.

You know what I mean. Your mother passes away. Your husband or boyfriend leaves you for someone else. A friend tells you how horrible they think you are and the friendship ends. The pain comes, despite the circumstances, and it hurts, without reserve.

Moving Beyond Grief

Now that we better understand the general process of grieving, lets look at some ways that we can help ourselves work through the our mourning and bereavement. Now some of these ideas will perhaps apply more in one situation than another (ie., death to a breakup). So with that in mind, take what works for you and leave the rest.

1. Be patient with yourself: Mourning is not an overnight process. So allow yourself plenty of time for healing.
2. Acknowledge your pain: Grief must be acknowledged in order to move forward. Avoidance only prolongs one's suffering.
3. Let tears flow freely: Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. And let yourself cry when the urge rises within you.
4. Seek out support from family and friends: Allow yourself to turn to friends and family when you need comfort, a shoulder to cry on, or to open up.
5. Get professional help: Do not be afraid to talk to a Grief Counselor, therapist or doctor.
6. Join a support group: You aren't alone in your pain, despite how isolated you feel. There are people who understand what you are going through. So do not be afraid to seek out a support group.
7. Pray and/or Meditate: Prayer is the simplest thing you can do and with it wondrous things can happen.
8. Journal about your pain and your grieving: Sometimes writing one's feelings down can be very cathartic because it allows a degree of expression that is both open and private at the same time. One can openly say what they feel, think and wish for without censure or debate.
9. Sleep: Make sure you allow yourself to get enough rest.
10. Get a massage or acupuncture: While it might seem like a waste of time on the surface, you never quite realize how much stress you are accumulating until you feel someone's hands kneading the knots out of your muscles.
11. Walk in nature: Being outside, around fresh air and vibrant life of all kinds, can help us find the sense of peace we tend to forget exists when we are in the throws of mourning.
12. Take care of yourself: Eat healthy, get plenty of rest, drink plenty of fluids, exercise
13. Learn to say NO: We rarely realize how draining/exhausting the process of mourning can be. And while we are suffering from it's debilitating pain, it is alright to say no to those who come beseeching your help.
14. Take comfort in spirituality/faith: Despite what religion you are, allow yourself to turn to your higher power to find comfort and unending love.
15. Focus on yourself: Remember you are just as important as everyone else, and when you are suffering, there is nothing wrong with putting your issues before others.
16. Adopt a pet: Animals can lighten one's mood like nothing else. And in them, we can find companionship, understanding and devotion.
17. Make a point of being more social: Let yourself meet new people
18. Avoid stress: Avoid stressful situations and making large decisions, because when grief consumes a person they will sometimes make impromptu decisions which regret later.
19. Take part in uplifting activities: Let yourself be creative because these types of activities give one a focal point with which to center their pain and express it in a constructive way.
20. Believe in yourself: Despite your lose, be true to yourself as an authentic person and believe in yourself.
21. Allow yourself to practice each of the ideas above imperfectly.

A Short Story

2011-01-29T21:39:00.001-08:00

"GOD THIS SUCKS!" I screamed. "The stupid game is rigged. I can't win." My roomate looked at me, paused a second, and said "Hey, don't you have to get to work soon?" She was right. "Just... just one more game. I've almost got this."
"You're going to be late again."
"I hate my job, so I'm blowing off steam."

"Uh huh. Just go." My roomate can be annoying, and quite often is annoying, but she was right. My job just stresses me out too much. I pause the game and pack up my stuff to head out, my anxiety already setting in. My stomach tying itself in knots and the bubbling churning sick butterflies beginning to work my stomach into shapes it was never intended to be in. "One of these days I'm gonna quit it, that's how much I hate it." she just glared at me. "You know you can't, the money's too good." I followed my usual habit, get to work, say nothing to my boss, or make the lightest of light conversation. I get the money, and I come right back to my room. The only time I see other people is when my roomate brings her friends back, or when I go play video games in the room next door. I'm great with people, just terrified they'll call me names or reject me on sight. But I never tell anyone that. "why don't you ever bring people back to hang out?" I had to think quickly. "I'm just... comfortable with only a handful of people." She flopped over on her bed. "Yeah but I'm beginning to think you're just scared." My heard stopped beating. "Oh look at your face! I'm only joking!" I sighed a large sigh of relief inside. "heh you got me good!" This went on for day after day, week after week. All the while, I got lonelier and lonlier. She stopped hanging out with me as much, I stopped seeing nearly as many people. I stopped going to work as much. I did everything I could to occupy my time with something other than self-reflection. I felt like I was fighting for my life in a sea of dispair, and the only thing keeping me afloat was distraction. Every now and then, I'd loose my grip, and sink deep under water, feeling the pressure all around me. I kept having thoughts of suicide, fantasizing about escaping from the pain once and for all.

"You look sad today." my roomate told me one morning. "I'm just... thinking about stuff." I said. "Need me to cheer you up? I know just the-" "No," I interrupted her, "I'm fine." "Okay, just... I want you to be happy, you know?" "I know." I looked at the clock. 10:15. Work starts in five minutes. It takes 15 to get there. "Screw it" I said to myself. I crawled into bed. I just stared at the wall for a while, thinking to myself. I couldn't name a single person that would actually mourn my passing. All i could focus on was how sad I felt. Dispair and depression couldn't describe it, the best word for it was simply sad. I looked at the clock again. 5:10. I got up, and decided I'd fill my stomach with just something, so I got dressed and went outside to get some fast food. I walked across the street, and saw a car coming. I watched myself in awe. Normal people would feel a small boost of adrenaline. they'd feel a small tinge of fear and speed up their pace, but not I. I never intended to do anyting based on what thoughts I'd been having, but here I was. I had been given the opportunity, and for some reason unknown to me, I took it. I slowed my pace. The car kept coming. I just watched it. I took a deep breath.I stopped. And i felt something I haven't felt in so very long.

I felt relief.

The Raging Battle Within

2011-01-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

I recently wrote a blog about fear, and the fear of failure.

What I failed to mention was what I did with all the time I had leftover that I could've been using to study and do homework, or even a part-time job.

In psychology, humans have a very famous response to stressors: the fight or flight response.

In this case, I chose the latter. I chose to run.

Since I couldn't literally run anywhere, I ran emotionally. I'd sit down to my homework, and get worked up and anxious. I'd close it, and watch endless youtube videos for hours. I purchased more video games in my first semester of college than I ever have before. My game program counts the number of hours spent playing a certain game. With just games that use this program, I've played 402 hours of games. If I played all the way through without stopping, that's over two weeks. And video games make up just a small portion of the many things I did to escape my fears.
I've watched more youtube than ever before. I went on The Empath Community and helped people there as well, chatting on the site and posting in the forums.

I did all of that just to escape from my fear. When I was forced to deal with the class, I chose to sleep through it. I played on my laptop instead of paying attention, and that's just when I went to class at all.

Anything I could do to evade and run away from my fear, I did it. And all the while, I fantasized about what it would be like to have all the things I was too afraid to work for: relationships, a great job in psychology, financial security, etc.

My safe zone was computers. Chat rooms and forums I can handle, but social situations I couldn't. Programming and C++ I can handle, grades and homework I couldn't. I was on the fast track to realizing what I said my greatest fear was: living in a box, under a bridge, homeless and alone. Except in this case, the reality was that I would live in a crappy apartment, living off of a job fixing computers or programming, living literally online, and going outside only when I had to. No real physical relationships with anyone, and developing a fear of even going outside, completely isolated and alone. The box was my fear, but even that had an element of truth to it.

Slowly, things began to interest me less and less. I became disillusioned with my video games, once one began to bore me, I'd buy another. But it soon became clear that I was becoming bored with those games at an alarming rate. It got to the point where I bought a game, and became bored with it the next day. Books couldn't hold my interest, neither could TV. I tried to find something, anything to satiate my desire to run from my fear. And when I couldn't find something, I forced myself. Seeing my old methods of escaping begin to fail scared me more and more.

When I couldn't escape from my fear, I had to let it escape somehow. I stumbled across something online one night, it was essentially just a ghost story. Something you tell your friend over a campfire to make them jump. I used that to unleash my fear, and that night, I had a panic attack. I stayed in my bed, afraid for my life, terrified. I barely slept at all that night.

All of this fear stems from one place: my sense of worthlessness. I have cripplingly low self esteem. I have voices in my mind that tell me how worthless and hopeless I am, and reinforce all the negative things I see about myself. I hear all of these things, on a near daily basis. And while these words may have been said to me before, I am not schizophrenic. Those voices are mine. They reinforce my low self esteem.

I know I'm going to numb up again soon. Numbing is another method of escapism. It allows me to literally not feel my fear or anxiety. But right now, I know what I feel, deep down inside. I feel worthless. I feel stupid, and I feel that I'll never be good enough. I feel guilty for feeling these things too. I know there are people much worse off than I, and that I should "man up". But I have a grand total of zero confidence in myself, my abilities, and my skills, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

As well, I fear so much to even try and get a girlfriend. I want one so bad, it hurts. I don't fantasize about sex, I fantasize about having a loving relationship. How sad is that? I see a beautiful girl sitting somewhere, and instead of walking up and even asking for a date, instead of doing anything at all, I sit silently, seeing in my mind a situation play out where I end up looking like a complete fool, and become the laughing stock of everyone on earth.

However, even if I were to get into a relationship, my fears would continue to keep me from allowing it to be healthy. My fear of rejection would quickly turn into a fear of loosing that person. I would suppress my own fears and anger to the point of hurting myself. Suppressing parts of me would inevitably cause the end of the relationship, however, as I would not be honest. So my fears of loosing her would quickly make me loose her; a very vicious cycle.

To keep myself from feeling my fears, I often fall into a cycle I like to call a "white knight" cycle. In the old fairy tales, there was the damsel in distress who was imprisoned by the evil bad guy, and there was always the knight in shining armor who defeats the bad guy, and rescues the damsel. I fall into a pattern of attempting to save women. I fall for the girls that need saving or rescuing, either from someone, or from themselves. That pattern though is convenient: it keeps me from feeling like a damsel myself. I would love nothing more than for a woman to come and rescue me, to scoop me up and take care of me, to save me from this fear and anxiety.

My relationship with my family is rather strained. A great bulk of my anxiety comes from my family. My parents have always expected nothing but the very best from me, back all the way to when I was in the fourth grade, and I was the only male student to get straight A's. Ever since then, no grade I got has been good enough, I've been expected to be perfect. And not just in academics either, when I would work for my father, no matter how much effort I put in, I was always lazy and unappreciative. My mother, working for her wasn't so bad. But to her, I was always a slob and messy, disgusting and greasy. So while I put on a smile for my parents, the relationship is strained because I'm not being honest with them. My younger sister has been going through the same thing, and I've been doing my best to get her to open up and stop suppressing her feelings, but nothing has helped so far.

In this blog, I have poured my heart and soul out onto a silver platter, and put it up online. I have given my heart and soul to the entire world. This is me. This is my innermost thoughts and fears. And on a blogsite that's purpose is to engender empathy and understanding, this is my perspective. ^.^

Failure, Fear, and Being Empathic

2011-01-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

For months before I left for college, I was horribly horribly anxious. I would put off any and all work that needed to be done to even get into college. I did no searching for scholarships. I put very little effort into the admission form and papers. I did just what was necessary to send it back. I was always so scared of not getting in, so scared I wouldn't get into college, and end up homeless, living in a box, under a bridge, starving to death.

That was my greatest fear: living in a cardboard box, under a bridge, starving to death. No job, no friends or family, no food. Slowly wasting away, alone.

I received my admission letter a little while later. I was accepted. Still, no searching for scholarships, and no work being done for the college at all. I got very lucky in finding a room in a dorm not on campus, but very close. It was one of 8 rooms left out of several hundred. I got very lucky. A nice nice room, and the dorm is very close to all my classes. And yet, I was still so scared I'd receive a letter saying I missed something important, and that I was not able to attend the university. And that I'd end up, under a bridge, in a box. My greatest moment of elation was during orientation, when I was registering for my classes. There was a teacher's assistant standing nearby, and I asked him if I could be denied still. His answer was, "Nope. If you're here, you're one of us now!" It was like god touched my heart, took it and cradled it. In that one moment, I didn't fear living in a box.

Then I got to college, and slowly got adjusted to my classes. Everything started out well. However, things slowly got worse. I started skipping questions on homework assignments. It was all online though, so it really didn't matter. My grades were all still rather good. Then I started skipping entire homework assignments. I slowly started feeling like it didn't matter, that it was too hard. I started sleeping in class, and even sleeping through class. I never studied. I started justifying my missed homework assignments with thoughts like "It won't make a difference, I'm going to fail anyway." I made the same justification for classes I missed. When I noticed my grades declining downward, I started fearing I'd fail out. I overheard a discussion on grades, and how if your GPA was less than 1.5 in your first semester, you were out. The box returned. But it was too late for me to try anything at that point, doing homework made me anxious, because I feared I'd fail, then fail the test, then fail the class, then fail out of college, and wind up in a box under a bridge. No logic could save me from that fear. I saw my grades getting worse and worse. B's to C's to D's to F's. And as I saw my grades start literally failing, I saw my fears coming to life. This terrified me to no end. The more I saw my fears begin to live, the more scared I got, and the less I did. The self-defeating cycle started to spin faster and faster, twisting up my stomach and heart more and more.

At the end of it all, I walked away with a D and a C- from two classes I fully expected to fail. In the former, I did a grand total of half the homework, consistently made C's on tests, and failed the final exam with a 30 out of 100. In the latter, I consistently failed the tests, did half the homework, and don't even know what became of the final.

But what followed me throughout the entire ordeal was that box. That fear. The box that represented my fear. Fear of being a failure.

That box, the idea of being homeless and alone is a metaphor for failure. It was my mind putting into a picture what I was afraid of. Homeless: financial failure. Alone: relationship failure. Starving: survival failure. Death: failure at life.

I was so afraid of failure that I wouldn't even try. If I didn't try and failed, it was because I didn't try. If I tried and failed, it meant I was a failure. It was too painful to have no excuse other than myself for failure, so I didn't even try. I put out the minimal amount of effort possible to protect my fragile ego, and what remained of my self esteem. That way it wasn't me who was a failure, it was my effort.

This may not seem like a relevant topic to empathy and being an empath. However, it strikes to the core of what many with empathy experience.

A fear of failure results mainly from a lack of self-esteem, which can stem from abuse, which can engender hypersensitivity, or as it is better known, being an empath. Thus, many empaths may have a fear of failure, which is very closely related to a fear of rejection.

To fear to open yourself up to another person, to fear to read to deep into another's mind, to fear to show any disagreement or frustration with a loved one, that is all a fear of failure or rejection in some form or another. And these are all fears most empaths deal with on a day to day basis.

So think about it. This isn't a blog about helping you overcome a fear. This is for you to perhaps see that within yourself. And if you can see it, and acknowledge it, you can learn from it, and overcome it.

Empaths & Empathy: The Human Factor

2011-01-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

In a perfect world an Empath would fit the ideal of what it's supposed to be. It would be someone completely altruistic who, because they feel the emotions of others and are sensitive to the emotional states of others, offers whatever help is needed with complete understanding and without reserve (concern to the self).

They would have unflagging patience, even when others make mistakes, get angry, get frustrated or just have a bad day. There would be no sorrow or upset if someone else lashes out at them. There would be no arguing or fighting because they would be peace makers, mediators, and the best of confidants.

And all of this would happen without any detriment to the Empath, because they would be well balanced between personal life and working with others. Their emotional states would be well balanced and their lives in great harmony to allow this to occur.

But.....we don't live in a perfect world where any of these things are truly possible. Instead we face the daily grind of life full of repetitive and mundane tasks that are necessary to see us survive. Work, bills, social interactions, and other stressers permeate our lives. We are inundated, through the media, with violence and abuses the world over. And often times, we are not in harmony with those around us that we socialize with. We fight, we argue, we bicker, we get angry, we cry, and yes, we even love.

That is the daily life of most people, in whatever variation it comes in. And that is the daily life of most Empaths, as well. Rarely do you find a lifetime that differs and/or deviates from that path in to many ways.

The Empathic Person

Before we continue along this tract, we must ask ourselves a question. Who is the Empathic Person? Certainly all people possess the ability to feel and offer empathy toward others. But who, specifically, is the Empathic person?

You can scour the internet and find definitions, trait lists, character profiles, and even case studies of Empaths. But alot of those are so generalized that they could speak to just about anyone who has one or two of the traits. And by looking at those alone, it could also seem to exclude others who do not possess those particular traits, as well. But what we really need to understand is that a trait list or a definition does not definitively define what an Empath truly is, what gifts/traits they possess, and the types of people, specifically, which can/can't be this. Because just like the broader idea of diversity in people, so to is there wide diversity in who may and may not be an Empath. And it does not begin or end with the stereotypical person you might imagine as one.

So who is the Empathic Person? To start out with, the Empathic person is you. It is me. But in broader terms, let me introduce you to some examples of Empathic people that blossom beyond the stereotype of what an Empathic person is.

Let's first look at someone we will call Emily. She is someone who was born hypersensitive and, while growing up, was often told she was 'to sensitive' and she needed to put her big girl panties on and suck it up. On top of that, she was very caring toward others, particularly those who were suffering. She was the type who would always lend a willing ear if someone needed to talk.

You see, Emily, for the most part, is the stereotype of what an Empathic person is supposed to be. But she is, by far, not the only type. So let's look at another example, which differs far more from the trait lists than someone like Emily.

Robert was a young man who had been abused as a child. His mother was both physically and emotionally abusive, often leaving him in a state of confused guilt because of her manipulation. As he grew, he began to exhibit a tendency to express anger in unhealthy ways like bullying other kids. But that didn't mean that Robert didn't understand the pain of those other people. He was all to aware of it.

On the surface he had a very rough exterior which seemed extremely unforgiving toward people's mistakes. But on the inside was a vulnerable person who needed support and validation, but rarely got it because of how those needs got expressed (like through bullying).

The point here is to understand that when we attempt to talk about the types of people who tend to be Empaths, one should not leave it to assumptions. Just because a person doesn't appear to fit the profile doesn't mean, that in actuality, they aren't Empaths. This is because each of us has a very unique personality and, at the same time, we all have different experiences which help us develop into the people we are.

The Emotional Vampire

What is an emotional vampire? An emotional vampire is defined as one who feeds upon the emotions of others to bolster their self-esteem and to gain attention. Another way of putting it is a person who possesses the ability to suck all of the positive energy out of someone. They do this through negative comments, or by mere presence alone. And they are often drama queens who love to play the victim in their own life.

What does this type of person have to do with Empaths? While there are people who claim to be emotional vampires as a way of life, often the person who becomes an example of an emotional vampire is one who is hypersensitive to the emotional states of others and knows how to manipulate those to garner attention for themselves. In other words, alot of the time what we are talking about is Empaths.

The reason for this is because of how the Empath's own personal needs become expressed. They have low self esteem and need attention to bolster and sustain it for any length of time.

What I'm really saying here is that hypersensitivity exists in people like this, as well. What differs from those who are hypersensitive and seemingly altruistic, by focusing solely on the concerns they have for the welfare of others, is perception and expression. The differing perception of these empathic types focuses more on themselves than others. And it gets expressed in a self centered way instead of one of altruism and humility where others come before the Empath in worth. But beyond perception and expression, there really isn't much difference between the personality types that encompass the Empathic personality.

The hard part comes in our own perceptions of what people are supposed to be more empathic than others, because some are more recognizable than others. And most people have a hard time seeing beneath the surface of another person, particularly when they are confronted with arrogant, aggressive and/or negative behavior. It makes one much less inclined to even attempt to look beneath the surface.

But on some level, empathy demands we see beneath the surface so that we can develop understanding toward others, even those who differ from us; even those who hurt us. But the empathy I'm talking about here is not simply hypersensitivity or the cognitive ability to place oneself into the shoes of another to see from their point of view.

Empathy

Empathy has numerous definitions based on what point of view you see it through. One is psychic in nature and pertains to a hypersensitivity to energies and emotions. This can be done for other people, pets, inanimate objects, and possibly even incorporeal entities.

Another definition, which is more from a psychological standpoint, speaks of the ability to imaginatively place oneself into the shoes of another at both the cognitive and emotional levels. One does this to better understand where another person is coming from when they are speaking.

But there is also another kind of Empathy. It is the type that makes demands of a person to alter the way they think and behave with regards to other people. It demands patience and humility of a person, despite personal prejudices and frustrations. It asks a person to think and consciously shift perspectives in order to understand other people, even those who offend us, hurt us, or abuse us.

This kind of Empathy is like a very broad spectrum perception shift. It asks one to be open minded instead of assuming or rushing to rash judgments/opinions. It calls for the patience to listen to others in earnest. And the humility to set personal feeling aside, even when we are faced with aggressive behaviors.

It teaches, not just tolerance, but full scale acceptance through understanding, because this kind of understanding is rooted much deeper within the human psyche than mere tolerance will allow. (Note acceptance doesn't mean we stay in unhealthy situations where we leave ourselves open to abuse. It just means understanding.)

This is because it does not just look at people's behavior patterns. It also looks at some of the root causes for those behaviors. It goes beyond simply viewing the symptoms to finding deeper ingrained causes for them.

This is one of the hardest and truest types of Empathy there is, and it doesn't come as an ability. Just because a person is capable of doing this, doesn't mean they will. And almost everyone, Empath or not, is capable of utilizing this type of Empathy, whether they actually do or not.

The Human Factor

The human factor of Empaths and Empathy has been showcased throughout this discussion. What has been shown to you is that things are not always as they seem when it comes to people. Empaths, like people in general, come in all shapes and sizes. And so does Empathy.

Names, titles, labels; all of these are of less importance than the ability to offer empathy to others. So think about it. ^_^

Arrogance & Empathy: Learning To Look Beneath The Facade

2010-12-23T08:42:00.000-08:00

Arrogance

Arrogance....it's a topic we all have to contend with once in a while. In our daily lives we come face to face with it often enough, whether it is from others or from ourselves. Let's explore this topic a bit and see what it has to do with being an Empath or more simply, being empathic toward others.

Arrogance is the act of making undue claims in an overbearing manner; that species of pride which consists in exorbitant claims of rank, dignity, estimation, or power, or which exalts the worth or importance of the person to an undue degree; proud contempt of others; lordliness; haughtiness; self-assumption; presumption. In other words, it is the act of having an excess of pride and a superior manner toward anyone deemed as an inferior.

In doing research on this topic, I found one comment that spoke of arrogance being "one of the very worst characteristics of human consciousness and is a normal by-product of the mind flying in the stratospheres of its own conceit". It goes on to describe it like this, "The main problem with arrogance is that it only listens to itself, and in that, the mind's light goes out. It has been said that the mind cannot know itself, cannot get out of its own skin so to speak, and yet it is not able to perceive this. When it comes to the heart or to any pure process of communication, arrogance interferes dramatically with communication flow and leads directly to absolute walls of separation between one being and another." And while all of this is true, in describing what arrogance is and what it does, it does not touch upon what lays beneath the characteristics of arrogance.

Arrogance, much in the same vein as vanity, conceit, egotism, and the more extreme narcissism, is all about placing oneself higher than others, untouchable by the masses, through the act of excessive self love and validation. Sometimes it is about being the center of attention and sometimes simply about being better than others.

Every social group has people like this in it, some more obviously so than others. Because while there are those who wear arrogance on their sleeve like a badge of honor, there are also others who can evince arrogance over certain topics and be quite normal at other times. This is because it is indeed a very human quality, good or bad not withstanding.

What is truly interesting, though, once one steps away from the overbearing attitudes of one who is arrogant, is what lays beneath the opinions and behaviors expressed by that person. You see, arrogance is a facade or a shield, to keep one from seeing what the person truly thinks and feels. It usually hides vulnerability, flaws that the person is so ashamed and embarrassed by, they do not want the world to see them.

Arrogance can take many forms like intellectual superiority, religious superiority, monetary superiority, status superiority, or a host of others. And all that is needed is to become arrogant is a bit of fear, low self esteem, some anger, and apathy. A low opinion of one's true self, fear of being discovered, anger brewing into resentment, and indifference to the plight of others, can cause one to become blind to the world, with a hard exterior that sets one apart from those around them. (What a lonely place to be.)

It's hard to see all of those things, though, isn't it? It's hard to feel sympathy or pity for such a person, when you are constantly confronted and assailed with their supposed superiority in all things when you are in their presence. It's hard to feel anything but disgust. It makes you roll your eyes at their pomposity or dismiss them outright. Or if you happen to get caught up in their greatness for a time, the sheen often becomes lackluster after a while, because you are always left feeling inferior.

Empathy and Arrogance

Empathy is defined as the intellectual identification of the thoughts, feelings, or state of another person and the capacity to understand another person's point of view or the result of such understanding. A simpler way to put it would be to say it is the understanding and entering into another's feelings. It is the act of attempting to step out of one's own point of view and into that of another person, to share in their way of seeing the world and how it affects them emotionally.

Empathy, by its very definition, seems to be the complete opposite of arrogance, don't you think? It takes one out of the realm of the 'self' and places you into the realm of the 'other person'. Or it focuses you outwardly toward the world around you instead of inwardly toward your own ego, inflated or otherwise.

An interesting thing to note about empathy, is that when it is genuinely utilized and expressed, one can not help being humbled by the sheer magnitude of other people's collective experiences and emotions. To share in that experience, even for a moment, is both frightening and awe inspiring. It promotes sharing and understanding on levels that move way beyond the ideas of simple tolerance.

"Insensitivity makes arrogance ugly;

empathy is what makes humility beautiful."

- Renford Reese, Ph.D.

Arrogance places a person above others, singling them out. Empathy places a person side by side others. One can not ever truly express empathy while standing apart from others, because when one stands apart one can only see and focus on themselves.

And while one stands in arrogance, blindly insensitive to others, behind the facade it leaves them drowning in their own morose fears of self recrimination. Because it closes the doors not just to empathizing with others, but also for others to empathize with them. It closes the doors of friendship, compassion, and sympathy. And very few are willing and/or able to see beyond that egocentric mask when it is so prominently displayed and all they are offered up is derision and insult. And it not only blinds the hearts of those who utilize it, it also blackens the hearts of those who are victims at it's hands. It uplifts one, falsely, at the expense of others.

The Point

There is a two fold point to this blog. One is to offer a compare and contrast about arrogance and empathy. The other is to offer you a different point of view about people who are arrogant, because there is always more to a person than what they show you on the surface. There are always things that lay beneath whatever facade they show the world, to which you are not privy to.

But to see them, you have to be willing to open yourself up and look, if for no other reason than to understand the depths of human nature in all of it's intricacies. Because nothing, when it comes to human beings, is ever as simple as it seems on the surface.

In the case of Empaths, we come in all shapes and sizes, with personalities that span the board. And all of us, as Empaths and as people, can fall victim to arrogance, be it our own or someone else's. Because being an Empath doesn't mean you will always be empathetic to others. It only means you will be sensitive to all of the emotional currents that flow around you. And it is as easy to shut yourself down and hold yourself away and/or above others as it is to step into the melee that is life and share in that experience with others.

The choice is always yours. So consider it.

Two Wolves - Cherokee Words Of Wisdom

Empath Issues

2010-12-19T08:04:00.000-08:00

Recently I got asked to explain a subject most Empaths and HSPs don't really like to touch on. This is because if it is openly spoken about, it can make them feel like frauds sometimes. But in understanding the reality of this particular topic, after the initial shock, it can ultimately help you grow in your abilities and in your own self awareness, both of which are so important when interacting with the world around you as a highly sensitive/empathic person.

The Examples

Before we look at what the topic of this blog is, lets look at some examples of it and see if you can find what it is.

1. A woman came to me and said that she was in her home when she started feeling these very random emotions hit her. She felt angry, enough to hit someone and yell at them for no apparent reason. She automatically thought it was someone else projecting those emotions onto her. Even though she lives alone, she lives in an apartment complex with several very loud families. Later on that same day, she said she heard raised voices, though they were muffled, and something crash inside the other unit.

Now this seems like an obvious case of her being an emotional sponge and absorbing the emotional energy of the people next door, doesn't it? But what you didn't know was that she was also having her own frustrations at work with someone who acted superior and attempted to delegate their work to her, even though they had the same job title. So she had her own pent up emotions to contend with long before she might have picked up anything from her neighbors.

2. Let's look at another example. Two people, a man and a woman, were talking when she became livid for no apparent reason. She started telling him what he was supposedly to thinking and feeling, because she was 'reading' him. She began saying that he wanted her to be 'perfect' and he was a cruel hearted man. She proceeded to get hysterical and even threaten suicide, after that.

Now what you don't know about this situation is that these two are nothing more than acquaintances, having never met in real life. And she, who was confronted about a minor issue, immediately went into a victim mode and began projecting her 'abuser's' qualities onto the one who held even a modicum of power.

3. Woman A walks into a restaurant and sits down with her friends. Suddenly Woman B appears, whom some of the group of friends dislike. But Woman A personally has no issues with Woman B. But as Woman B walks by the table, some of the group begin to make snide remarks loud enough for her to hear. Woman B responds and a verbal argument ensues. Woman A begins to offer up her own negative and/or derogatory comments to Woman B, as well, even though her group started the argument.

At the end of verbal match, Woman B leaves the restaurant in tears, feeling ostracized and utterly embarrassed. And the group of friends begins to laugh and make snide comments about how pathetic Woman B is. While Woman A sits quietly between her friends, feeling ashamed and wondering what just happened, because she had no problem with Woman B, even as she attacked her verbally.

The Explanations

Do you think you found the topic? It's about projection and emotional contagion. These two things often get confused with Empathy. And it can sometimes upset people to realize that there might be another cause to what they are feeling, rather than the gift of Empathy.

Emotional contagion is the tendency to catch and feel emotions that are similar to and influenced by those of others. One view developed by John Cacioppo of the underlying mechanism is that it represents a tendency to automatically mimic and synchronize facial expressions, vocalizations, postures, and movements with those of another person and, consequently, to converge emotionally.A broader definition of the phenomenon was suggested by Sigal G. Barsade—"a process in which a person or group influences the emotions or behavior of another person or group through the conscious or unconscious induction of emotion states and behavioral attitudes".

Projection, also called projective identification, involves the tendency to see your own unacceptable desires in other people. In other words, the desires are still there, but they're not your desires anymore. The objective is to make yourself feel superior.

An important motive for projection lies in the 'projector's' wish to control the person who is reminding them of their low self-esteem, or feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and worthlessness, to prevent him or her from making the 'projector' feel bad.

In the first scenario, we find projection. This is because she seems to be picking up emotions from outside herself that she later associates with the fighting couple next door. But she fails to consider some of those feelings might be coming from inside her, because the issues she is going through at work which leave her frustrated and often angry. Her first and automatic thought is that it has to be coming from outside herself. And if one assumes this, one can eventually find a place that it could be resonating from.

In the second scenario, the woman's issues of low self esteem are brought to bear by being confronted about an issue, despite how large or small the issue is. So she begins to project those attributes within herself she finds abhorrent and perhaps those of people who have hurt her in the past onto the person she is being confronted by. And in this way, it gives her an escape from having to deal with what she's being confronted about. It shifts the focus from her as someone who did something wrong, to her as a victim at the hands of the other person.

In the third scenario, we don't have one of projection. Instead what we find is that of emotional contagion. As we described in the definition, it is when one catches another person, or group of people's, emotions and mimics them. In this case it became something like a mob mentality, where one person assaulted another and everyone else jumped in to back them up, even if their personal opinions differed. It was about what was going on in the heat of the moment when there were heightened emotions all around.

Empaths As Emotional Beings

Alot of people who are Empaths and HSPs tend to focus outwardly, on what others are feeling. Often times they are people pleasers and are almost hardwired to be sensitive to the emotions, emotional states, and emotional needs of others. And this tends to leave them with a moderate to huge blind spot in their line of sight and perception.

It is easy to forget that we, as people rather than Empaths/HSPs, have feelings, needs and desires that need to be expressed and acknowledged sometimes. It's easy to disregard oneself and allow oneself to become secondary when one is solely focused on the needs and wants of others.

And in doing this, alot of the emotions that we find are not conducive to the persona we play, as people pleasers, are buried and ignored. Anger, sorrow, conceit, frustration, resentment, and anything else perceived as negative are repressed and bottled up. And when things become repressed, and confrontation happens, it's like someone has discovered your 'dirty little secret of shame'. Thus projection can occur as a defense mechanism to keep the spot light off of one's own issues and refocus it on the other person.

But while projection is an issue a vast majority of Empaths must deal with, emotional contagion is one that everyone must contend with. It doesn't matter how aware you are or self confident, because it can still happen. It is a very natural thing, that happens subconsciously and we tend not to have much conscious control over as we mimic those around us to fit in better.

Most of the time this isn't a bad thing. It helps you acclimate to the people around you and the setting you are located in, at any given moment. It's part of whats known as a pack mentality. But at the same time this can also turn detrimental if the leaders of that group behave erratically, violently, or without care for others. Peer pressure can lead people into drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, criminal behaviors and much more. Those are on top of things like bullying and over inflated opinions of one's self (which tend to mask low self esteem).

This is particularly true for Empaths and HSPs, because a common trait for them, though surely not for all, is that of being a follower who is submissive, to a certain degree, one who serves and is a people pleaser. Being this way, in a pack mentality, leaves one open to suggestion, leaves one open to potential behaviors they wouldn't have imagined, much less considered, otherwise.

These two things are two of the hardest things for Empaths to acknowledge sometimes because it hints at the fact that they have emotions and flows that they do not wish to acknowledge. It points to the idea that they might have a blind spot in their perception. And that their self awareness might need some work.

Ultimately it means acknowledging and taking responsibility not just for one's actions, but for one's emotions and thoughts, as well.....no matter how ugly they are. And it's much easier to hide, and continue those patterns of projection and adhering to the pack mentality, rather than learning to think for oneself, because the road is painful and riddled with embarrassment and shame.

Think about it.

The Journey To Now

2010-12-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

I can remember sitting on my bed one day and contemplating the word Empath. I was 16 then. Mind you, this was before the advent of a computer in every household, much less having internet access to social websites like facebook and/or twitter. Finding information about Empaths and empathy was hard to come by. And the information I found called it nothing more than a lesser, primitive form, of telepathy, and ranked it the lowest of the low on the psychic scale of gifts/abilities.

There were no lists of traits for Empaths. There were no comparative experiences to view my own experiences through. There wasn't much of anything at all, except that one single entity on television named Deanna Troi, from Star Trek.

And yet, even without all of those things, the simple nature of the truth rang out to me in resounding clarity. I might not be able to do what Deanna Troi did, but I had the ability to step into another person's shoes and see through their eyes and feel what they feel. I was.....I am an Empath.

This idea lay dormant for many years, because there was no one around me to commiserate with about this idea. And still, there was little to no information on the subject. And I had very little true understanding of what it meant to be an Empath, beyond the ability to feel what others feel.

Time progressed, as it so often does, and I stepped into relationship after relationship, blindly falling into men's arms. And in my case, it was always the wrong kind of man. I longed for someone who was strong, almost like a prince, if you will, who could rescue me from all the the pain I was going through. And always I came away disillusioned by my partners, because they were so focused on being angry and/or abusive toward me.

I felt like the consummate victim. I wondered if I was being targeted by people who were abusive, as though they were drawn to me like a moth to a flame. Did I wear a sign on my forehead that was easy for only those types of aggressive personalities to see, that said 'Willing Abuse Victim Here'?

I went through phases of blaming those men for my suffering. And other phases where I blamed myself for all that I'd been through. And when I blamed myself, I was disgusted by who I was, because I never imagined I would be one of 'those women'.

I felt impotent, unable to change the pattern of my life....or who I was. And I was ashamed of showing anyone the real me, because she was such a sad and desolate creature, usually bent on ending her own life.

After my subsequent marriage, which ended in an EPIC FAIL, I moved to a place where no one really knew me and I had no friends. I was left totally alone with my pain and shame, for the first time in my life. Up till then, I'd always had things to distract me from the endless depression which, in my weaker moments, left me gasping for air as I drowned in sorrow and shame.

And upon being alone, there came my greatest obstacle and my greatest salvation. You see, I had no where to cling as I began to fall into depression. I had no one to support me or sustain me, any longer. And when I fell, I fell hard....endlessly it seemed.

In the past, I had watched friends, who feel into only half of this type of pain, attempt to end their lives. And I was no stranger to the idea. I hid razor blades on the off chance I gathered enough courage to do it. And I overdosed, any number of times, on pills in order to stave off the encroaching pain.

But for me, it wasn't just about abusive relationships. It was also dealing, for the first time head on, with the fact that I had been violated as a child. Add to that the fact that I had little to no self esteem, and you can see what kind of mixing pot this was....one bound to end in tragedy.

All through this, I felt like a victim....a target of the most horrible people on the planet. People who used me, beat me, starved me, violated me (raped me), and left me as close to dead as I could come without actually ending my life. You see....I was completely and utterly broken internally. And in my mind, there was only one end to the tract I was on. There was only one possible outcome....death.

Coming back to the idea of being an Empath, was the fact that I could see from my partner's perspectives. And to some extent, when they thought of me as nothing, I agreed with them. So I willingly adopted that mentality, believing I deserved nothing better than what they offered me. I believed no one would ever want me who wasn't that way....abusive.

And the sad part is, no matter how much I saw them denigrate me, I never stopped believing they did it for my own good. No matter how much I suffered, I believe it was in the name of love. And that somehow...someday...they would change.

It took me years to find some resolution to these issues. And it only happened after I stopped looking for romance, with my poor taste in men. It only began in earnest when my perspective changed from one of being a people pleaser to one of self understanding and expression. It only changed when I started thinking of myself as a person deserving empathy instead of one of no worth other than what my partners needed in me.

It's a life altering experience, and not an easy one by any means. It is one where you must accept responsibility for your own actions, behaviors, and thoughts. In other words, it is one where you must accept the role you played in your own suffering. And that's a hard pill to swallow when you can only see yourself as a victim at the hands of others. But we all play a part in what our life becomes. We all bear some responsibility, even if that responsibility is shared by others who use and abuse us.

You see, in owning up to your own responsibility, you an inner demon within yourself that, up until that time, you refused to see/acknowledge and deal with. It's a piece of you, that because of low self esteem (among other issues), you gave willingly to another person to control. (And this doesn't apply to every situation, so please don't assume I speak of all abuse in this respect.)

Owning that responsibility is, a harsh dose of reality at first, but it is also one of the most empowering things you will ever do. Because when you acknowledge your role in this, you also acknowledge your own personal power. It can awaken within you the potential to realize that you can change your own life; that you don't have to be a victim of it.

I think that one harsh dose of reality, that no one other than myself thrust upon me, was the singular biggest event to take me from being a victim to being a survivor. And when you are a survivor, you are able to grow and develop, and realize you own strength as you get to truly know yourself for the first time.

It's not about developing self esteem, at least not in the beginning. That is something that comes with time, as you work on these issues. That is....and expression/product of your self awareness, not the reverse. And it is an onerous task to undertake, to be sure, when it is so much easier to avoid and pretend it does not exist.

For me, it was thrust upon me because the only thing I had left to face and lose was my life. I had nothing else to lose, and potentially everything to gain in the bargain. And it wasn't overnight, though I do consider it a miraculous event in my life....a pivotal turning point. It took a openness to grow, a willingness to do the work, and the forethought to be patient with myself along the journey, despite what mistakes I made.

What being an Empath has taught me, in connection with my life experience, is that I'm not the only one who suffered in such a way. And if I, who had been abandoned as a lost cause, can come back from the brink, then anyone can do it. It's taught me how to share my story and to be deeply empathetic toward those who share in my experiences, even remotely.

So with that in mind, I will leave you with this thought. No matter what your life is like...no matter how you suffer, you are not alone. And always.....ALWAYS....you are loved, not for what you can do for others, but simply for being exactly who you are, despite peer pressure and the weight of the world which rests upon your shoulders. You are loved. ^_^

Cog In the Machine

2010-11-30T01:29:00.001-08:00

Part One: Cog In the Machine

Despite their negative effect on the environment, automobiles are really quite beautiful machines. They are constructed of dozens of different systems, all working in tandem, all contributing something to keep the greater machine operating at peak efficiency. Each system can further be broken into hundreds of various belts, liquid injection systems, crankshafts and flywheels. Each of these, in turn, can be broken down into their base components- the rods, nuts and bolts that keep each individual system in prime working condition.

If so much as a single bolt fails, the entire machine is jeopardized, yet if every piece of the vehicle is working perfectly, there is no limit to where the vehicle may go. In a way, automobiles are the toughest, most durable invention of mankind... And also the most fragile and flawed. So much can go wrong with the inner workings of a vehicle- a loose belt here, a clogged fuel pump there- yet when every piece is working in tandem, at their fullest potential, the sky is quite literally the limit.

You may be wondering where I'm going with this. After all, this is supposed to be a site dedicated to self-improvement, not vehicle maintenance... And I sincerely hope anyone reading this is wise enough to not take maintenance advice from me. Although this is a topic that has been covered extensively on this site, I feel it is time to throw my own hat into the ring, so to speak, and share my own opinions on this particular subject.

In a way, we're all the basic nuts and bolts of a cosmic machine, a great and unfathomable universal vehicle taking us to who-knows-where. Like the basic components of a car, we work in tandem with those closest to us, and form even greater systems, all spurring the vehicle on to its ultimate destination, wherever that may be. However, unlike the various bits and pieces of a car, we alone can determine how much effort we put into our operation, and how efficiently we apply ourselves.

This, I think, is the greatest lesson we can learn, for the more 'bolts' working together, the greater the potential for the cosmic vehicle as a whole. After all, a car missing a wheel isn't going to go nearly as far- or as fast- as one in peak operating condition! To tie this into my previous blog, you must make sure you yourself are decent shape, both mentally and physically, before you help anyone realize their own potential. After all, a broken belt can't contribute to the operation of the transmission system, and the more strain placed on that belt, the more damage done, until it ultimately snaps and possibly takes more components down with it.

Just because one bolt contributes to the engine, another helps drive the transmission system and a third operates the brakes, no single bolt is greater than the other. Without even one of these tiny, seemingly insignificant bits of metal, the entire system would fail. Without a single bolt, the vehicle will go nowhere. This may all seem rather obtuse and cryptic, but I hope I'm making my point here.

To put it simply, we're in this together. Every piece must be working in harmony, both doing its job to the fullest and assisting other various pieces in their job. A vehicle is the sum of its parts, only as powerful and capable as each individual component, and without even one of those components, the vehicle rolls to a stop, all its endless potential wasted.

Part Two: Potential and the Puzzle

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the term Messiah Complex. While it's a topic covered extensively elsewhere on this site, I'll give you my own definition. To put it simply, a person with a Messiah complex sees their words, their outlook on life, and their idealogies as the be all and end all. They see themselves not as a small part of a greater whole, but above and beyond everyone else. Whether they believe they are highly enlightened beings, simply 'smarter than the average peon' or even believe they aren't human at all, to put it simply, it's their way or the highway.

Of course, there are a number of issues with this outlook on life. For one, no matter how perfect a religious outlook or philosophy may seem, there is no single path that can apply to everyone. Second, despite what these so-called 'Messiahs' may believe, we all possess the same, limitless potential.

Let me illustrate the first point with a pair of examples, both taken from people I'm familiar with. Of course, the names have been omitted.

My first example concerns a man who fell in with a 'bad crowd' at an early age. For most of his youth, this man lived for drugs, theft and a general life of crime. Everything he wanted, he took, without regard for who he harmed in the process. He alienated his friends and family, and it seemed like he would just be another statistic, another victim of the streets. However, not long after his 20th birthday, this man had a life-changing experience. To this day, he won't tell me exactly what it was, only that he was 'called' to a life of service. After this experience, he dedicated his life to religion and improving the lives of anyone he met. He went from a drug-addled street punk to one of the most respected and wise men I've met.

While the second man is every bit of a great man, he came about his path in life in an entirely different way. He grew up a victim of merciless bullying, an experience I'm sure most of the people reading this are familiar with. As a matter of fact, it's an experience I'm familiar with as well, but that is a story for another time. Nothing this man did could appease the people who despised him, just because he looked and acted different. At the age of 21, he entered into the United States Marine Corps, and found the order and structure that had been sorely lacking in his life. More importantly, he met a woman- the same woman who would eventually become his wife- and slowly, his bitterness and anger towards the world faded. Many years later, he still has a bit of that old bitter anger, but he would die to protect those he cares about. In much the same way as the first man, he has dedicated his life to serving others.

Both men are around the same age. Both men have lived completely different lives, but they have walked different paths. The second man would have given in to the life of drugs and crime, while the first man likely wouldn't have been able to survive in the overly ordered Military lifestyle. Please notice, though, that both paths have led roughly to the same destination. The first man is a respected preacher, while the second man cares for the mentally ill, but both have one thing in common: they have dedicated themselves to caring for others.

This brings us to our second point, and one I have only just recently realized. As the old quote goes, no single person is greater than all people. While I may have slightly mangled that quote, the point stands. We all possess the same potential to change the world, only in a much more subtle way than the so-called 'Messiahs' will have us believe. Each of us is here to piece together a puzzle of sorts, and life is simply the constant attempt to piece it together. We have all the puzzle pieces at hand, we only need to figure out how each piece fits together. Some of us look to religion for the answers, some turn inward, and some aren't even aware that they are putting together a puzzle at all. In the end, though, the pieces will fall into place, and the puzzle will be revealed. While the shape of each piece may be different for all involved, the end result- the final picture- is the same.

Nobody has all the answers, nobody even has most of the answers. Although every person in this world has walked a different path, there is something you can learn from them all. Through working together or simply being aware of the fact that everyone we meet has a lesson to be taught, the 'human machine' operates at peak efficiency, the puzzle pieces slowly fall into place, and the picture is eventually revealed.

The Abused Empath

2010-11-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked me an interesting question that got me pondering. They said, "What are the long term effects of abuse and how do they tie into being an Empath?". Now in this question, they did not stipulate what type of abuse, or to what age group, in particular. It was a very general question, even though they later pinpointed more specific questions, based on their own experiences. But out of respect, I will skip the sharing of that particular information.

If you've followed this blog to any length of time, you might have noticed other blogs referring to this topic in some way shape or form. What is generally written is that Empaths are oftentimes, but not always by any means, conditioned through numerous types of abuse to be more empathic toward others. And despite age, this can develop from a learned response toward their abusers in order to survive.

It is the act of putting oneself second above others, worrying about the needs and wants of others, and being completely reactionary toward others. What that means is that the person in question becomes hypersensitive to the emotions and emotional states of their abusers, in order to adjust their own behaviors, emotions, and responses accordingly. It is a survival mechanism born out of a moment of great need.

Later on in life, say if one was abused as a child for instance, this kind of instinctive behavior can translate itself into a pattern in which a person is still hypersensitive to the wants and needs of others, as well as the emotions and emotional states of others, puts others needs before their own, and is still quite reactionary.

Because of these types of behavior patterns, a person like this potentially runs a high risk of falling into having low self esteem/self worth, depression, addictive behaviors (drugs, alcohol, gambling), suicide attempts, anxiety disorders, aggression issues, and many more.

But does this speak to everyone who is Empathic or who has been abused? Oh no, certainly not. This is just one workup of developmental behavior over a long period of time, based on the variables of things like abuse and a general hypersensitivity toward the emotional states of others. And it does not necessarily speak to all or even a majority of the people who are Empathic or have been Abused.

So, lets take a deeper look at some of the long term effects of abuse, in the general sense (which means it can be all inclusive of the different types of abuse) and see how these things can play havoc on the life of a person, who was born hypersensitive or who has been conditioned to be so.

Long Term Effects Of Abuse

Child physical abuse damages children both physically and emotionally. The longer physical abuse of a child continues, the more serious the consequences. The initial effects of physical abuse are painful and emotionally traumatic for the child. The long-term consequences of physical abuse impact on the child in their adult life, on their family and on the community.

In many ways though, emotional abuse is more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, "Never mind the damn flowers, just stop hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. The effects are more harmful because they're so frequent.

The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think it's your problem. Emotional abuse seems more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love hurt.

Children are vulnerable to sexual abuse because of their age, size and innocence. When a child or youth is molested, she/he learns that adults cannot be trusted for care and protection: well-being is disregarded, and there is a lack of support and protection. These lead to grief, depression, extreme dependency, inability to judge trustworthiness in others, mistrust, anger and hostility. And as if all that isn't enough, children's bodies often respond to the sexual abuse, bringing on shame and guilt.

Effects of Physical Abuse

Initial Effects of Child Physical Abuse

Immediate pain, suffering and medical problems in some cases death caused by physical injury.
Emotional problems such as anger, hostility, fear, anxiety, humiliation, lowered self-esteem and inability to express feelings.
Behavioural problems such as aggression by the child towards others or self-destructive behaviour, hyperactivity, truancy, inability to form friendships with peers and poor social skills. Poorer cognitive and language skills than non-abused children.

Long Term Consequences Of Child Physical Abuse

Long term physical disabilities, for example, brain damage or eye damage.
Disordered interpersonal relationships, for example, difficulty trusting others within adult relationships or violent relationships.
A predisposition to emotional disturbance.
Feelings of low self esteem.
Depression.
An increased potential for child abuse as a parent.
Drug or alcohol abuse.

Effects Of Emotional Abuse

Physical Effects

speech problems
lags in physical development
failure to thrive (especially in infants)
facial tics
eating disorders
substance abuse (drugrehabhelp.org/ provides information and resources for drug and alcohol rehabilitation.)
self-harm - burning, cutting
attempts at or completed suicide

Behavioural Effects

low self-worth
irritability
overly reactive
sleep disorders
inability to trust others
depression
inappropriate behaviour for age
withdrawal
profound sadness
habit disorders - sucking, biting, rocking
aggression
stealing
lying
self-harm
prostitution
engaging in risky behaviours
attempts at or completed suicide

Emotional Effects

inability to control emotions
questioning of religious belief

Effects Of Sexual Abuse

Emotional and Physical Sexual Abuse Effects:

Molested children suffer many losses, including:

self-esteem and self-worth
trust
childhood, including the opportunity to play and learn
the opportunity for normal growth and development
intimacy
control over his/her body
normal loving and nurturing
safety and security

Behavioural Sexual Abuse Effects:

nightmares, phobias, and regressive behaviours such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting
learning problems
clinging and smothering
insecurity, which put the child at risk for further abuse and exploitation
psychosomatic complaints such as stomachaches and headaches
precocious sexual activity--a young child knows more than they should about sexual activity; child may exhibit seductive behaviour

FACT: 17% of abused children exhibit age inappropriate sexual behaviour (Trocme & Wolfe, 2001, p.283).

FACT: Of the sexual abuse effects exhibited, sexualized behaviour is the most consistent indicator of sexual abuse (Cavanagh Johnson et. al., 1995, pp.50-514).

with young children, a preoccupation with sexual organs of self, parents and others--often this shows itself in language and art
aggression and bullying behaviours

FACT: 14% of abused children exhibit behaviour problems (Trocme & Wolfe, 2001, p.285).

sudden changes in eating and/or sleeping habits
depression and anxiety

FACT: 29% of abuse children exhibit depression or anxiety (Trocme & Wolfe, 2001, p.286).

refusal to change clothes in front of others
isolation
obsessively good behaviour
obsessed with cleanliness
relationship problems

FACT: 13% of abused children exhibit negative peer involvement (Trocme & Wolfe, 2001, p.287).

anti-social behaviour
unwillingness to participate in social activities
running away

FACT: 85% of runaways in Toronto have been sexually abused(Conference on Child Victimization & Child Offending, 20008).

truancy / long absence from school

FACT: 10% of abused children have irregular school attendance (Trocme & Wolfe, 2001, p.289).

long absence from participation in extracurricular activities
dissociation--a child's existence is dependent on his/her ability to separate from the pain, which, in the most repulsive cases, may result in multiple personalities
risky behaviours such as firestarting, stealing and other delinquencies
animal cruelty
alcohol and drug abuse

FACT: According to the Conference on Child Victimization & Child Offending (200010), sexual abuse effects on children with a history of molestation reflect that they are seven times more likely to become drug/alcohol dependent

FACT: In a sexual abuse effects study of 938 adolescents admitted to residential, therapeutic communities for the treatment of substance abuse and related disorders, 64% of the girls and 24% of the boys reported histories of sexual abuse (Hawke, Jainchill, & DeLeon, 2000, pp.35-4711).

dysfunctional relationships
avoiding confrontation
self-harm, including cutting and burning
paranoid behaviour

FACT: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is one of the sexual abuse effects that plague sexually abused children and adult survivors of child abuse. Symptoms experienced are similar to those experienced by Vietnam veterans and may include sleep disturbances, anxiety and depression, which negatively impact on their daily psychosocial functioning and for which many seek professional help (Wiehe, 1998, p.5012).

preoccupation with sex
promiscuous behaviour
compulsive and aggressive sexual behaviours
self-destructive sexual behaviour and prostitution

FACT: 98% of female street youth in British Columbia reported being victims of physical or sexual abuse as compared to 32% of female youths in schools. 59% of male street youth reported being victims of physical or sexual abuse as compared to 15% of male youth in schools (Beauvais et al., 2001, p.6213).

in adulthood, sexual dysfunction--avoidance of or phobic reactions to sexual intimacy
becomes the abuser

FACT: Studies done by Haywood, Kravitz, Wasyliw, Goldberg and Cavanaugh in 1996 reflect some disturbing sexual abuse effects. The study found that the odds of becoming a child molester were 5.43 times greater for adult male victims of childhood sexual abuse than for adult male non-victims (Lee, Jackson, Pattison, & Ward, 2002, p.8814).

attempted and completed suicide

FACT: Children with a history of sexual molestation are ten times more likely to attempt suicide (Conference on Child Victimization & Child Offending, 200015).

Sexual abuse effects on the child or youth are connected to the child/youth's life before, during and after the sexual contact. We must understand that the effects apply every bit as much to the disclosure and intervention as it does to the abuse itself. Sexual abuse effects continue long after the abuse stops.

Abuse And The Empath

We've defined what an Empath is many times on this site. We've given them other names like HSP or Highly Sensitive Person. But let's go over it again. An Empath is an individual who is hypersensitive to the emotions and/or emotional states of others. Everyone has some degree of empathy, because it is a very human trait. But not everyone can lay claim to being an Empath.

Being Empathic also tends to include, because of the person's overall hypersensitivity, a predilection toward being highly emotional, as well. This habit can lend itself to types of behavior which can be considered overly dramatic and even somewhat vampiric in nature, because it is overwhelming and draining to anyone who is around it for long periods of time.

While these traits can come very naturally to a person, they are often induced and/or enhanced by environmental conditioning. By environmental conditioning, we speak of living conditions, interaction with family and friends, neglect, and abuse.

When we apply factors like neglect and abuse and what long term effects these things have on an Empath, who is already hypersensitive, what we find is that these experiences lower the ability to form healthy boundaries, have healthy relationships, and develop healthy self esteem. While instead it allows one to fall into depression, addictive behaviors, and more cycles of abuse later on in life. As well, it can denigrate one's natural instincts of self preservation and destroy any self awareness a person, an Empath, might have. Thus it can leave an Empath as a consummate victim, unable to defend themselves against manipulation, insult and abuse.

In destroying self awareness and a healthy sense of self preservation, an Empath, who feels at their best when giving to other people, supporting them and caring about them, can end up giving and giving without any awareness of their own limitations. This means that while they are doing something beautiful for others, they slowly suffocate themselves internally, by offering people support and love without consideration toward themselves becoming emotionally drained/burnt out, physically ill, or psychologically apathetic. In other words there is no self empathy.

Empathy is a beautiful thing, isn't it? But when it is mixed with abuse, of whatever type, it can have a detrimental effect on an Empath's psyche. It can influence sets of behaviors in which cycles of abuse can develop. It can cause them to become drama queens. It can cause them to become manipulative and emotionally needy. It can cause them to be codependent, emotionally immature, and blind, to some degree.

In exploring the long term effects abuse can have on an Empath or HSP it is important to remember that there are places which can offer support. And there are people who are willing to listen with compassion. But most of all, there is absolutely no shame in reaching out toward those resources for help.

Think about it.

Call To Contentment

2010-10-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

Before you can love someone else, you have to learn to love yourself. Before you can help another, you must first help yourself. This is a point I've repeated time and time again, to the point where I'm sure some people want to throw something at me if I even think about mentioning it again. Well, ready your tomatoes, shoes or gelatinous chat trolls, because I'm saying it one more time.

Make no mistake, this is no call to perfection. I'm not saying you need to achieve spiritual perfection before you can help someone. For one thing, imagine how boring perfection must be! Nothing new to experience, nothing to learn, nothing to surprise you. Good thing true perfection is practically unreachable. There is always a new lesson to learn. Always.

No, this is a call to contentment. A call to be at peace with yourself, to accept both your flaws and your strengths. They're a part of you, and of course you should constantly work to better yourself, but if you spend your life chasing ever-elusive perfection, you'll miss the lessons you're here to learn.

Here's the truth: you know exactly who you are. Maybe you haven't given it much thought, but inside, you already know what you're capable of. You know the areas where you are gifted, and you know where you need some improvement. All you have to do is scrub away the layers of dirt this world has piled on top of you. Brush away both your ego, whether overinflated or battered and bruised, and you'll see who you really are. Don't believe me? Try this exercise.

Take a piece of paper and divide it down the middle into two columns. Label the left hand column 'Strengths', the right hand column 'Weaknesses.' Now simply list your own personal strengths and weaknesses in each column. Try and balance the two columns, and don't think too hard. Write the first thing that comes to mind, and when you feel you absolutely can't add anything else, step back and look at your list. The results may surprise you.

If the 'Strengths' column is a good bit longer than the 'Weaknesses' column, you may have to pop the balloon of your ego a bit. There's a beautiful quote from Robert Hudson's book, The Center of the Wheel: "Humble yourself, or the universe will humble you. And that's rarely a pleasant experience." An overinflated sense of self-worth is just as harmful to your personal growth as a damaged self-esteem.

If, however, the 'Weaknesses' column is longer, it's time to help yourself. Wash away the negativity tossed at you by the world. Ignore those people who say you're too sensitive, too quiet, too different. You know who you are, so why allow what anyone else says to affect you? Part of being an empath is trusting your intuition. Listen to that gut feeling now, and follow it. Chances are, you have strengths you haven't even uncovered yet- or were too afraid to accept.

Once your list is complete, and you have decided whether you need to humble yourself or patch up your self-esteem, it's time to take the next step.

Take that list, crumple it into a nice little ball, and toss it in the nearest garbage can. This may seem self-defeating at first. Why would you go through all that effort to compile the list if you were just going to toss it away as soon as you were finished with it?

There are two reasons: first, throwing away the list keeps you from dwelling on the two columns for too long. Dwell on your strengths and you risk inflating your ego. Dwell on your weaknesses and you risk damaging your self-esteem. Both are equally harmful, and if you dwell on either too long, the next thing you know, you'll be second-guessing and erasing items on the opposite list. You'll be back at square one, and you'll have learned nothing.

The second reason is a bit more complex. Your strengths and weaknesses are an aspect of who you are, but they don't fully define you. Nothing you write on a piece of paper, no matter how many columns you happen to divide that paper into, can fully define who you are. If you could fully realize exactly what makes you the unique aspect of humanity that you are, what would be the point of taking this journey we call life? The answers would, quite literally, already be right in front of you.

Think of the yin yang, a powerful Taoist symbol that almost everyone is at least somewhat familiar with. The true meaning of this symbol is balance. Light and dark, male and female, the earth and the sky- one can't exist without the other. Without darkness, how would we judge how bright the light is? Everyone has this balance within themselves. Embrace both aspects of yourself. Constantly strive, not for perfection, but for bliss and contentment, both with yourself and with your surroundings.

The Leap Of Faith

2010-09-30T04:50:00.000-07:00

What is Faith? There are a number of definitions for it. So let's look at some of them:

Faith:

religion, faith, religious belief: a strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny "he lost his faith but not his morality"
faith, trust: complete confidence in a person or plan etc "he cherished the faith of a good woman"; "the doctor-patient relationship is based on trust"
religion, faith, organized religion: an institution to express belief in a divine power "he was raised in the Baptist religion"; "a member of his own faith contradicted him"
faith: loyalty or allegiance to a cause or a person "keep the faith"; "they broke faith with their investors"

So for the purposes of this discussion we will break it down and simply say that Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

Now, when you hear the word Faith, the first thought that might jump to mind is Religion, whatever religion it may be. It may bring to mind a Deity, whatever deity it may be. And for some, of a more intellectual and/or scientific bent, it might bring about some skepticism in the idea of having faith in something unseen or unknown, without proof in hand. And while all of those are interesting, we are not going to explore religion in this blog. Nor are we going to debate the scientific vs. spiritual mindsets when it comes to faith, because those arguments generally center around religion.

Instead we are going to delve into a broader sense of what Faith is and how we utilize it in a day to day kind of way. And then we are going to explore the impact Faith has on Empaths.

Day To Day Faith

From the time we are born, we are taught to have faith. Normally, our first lesson in faith comes through our relationship with our mothers and fathers. We, as infants, do not know, through experience, that these people will support and love us. So we go on faith, trusting that these people will take care of us. As we get older, that faith....trust grows stronger as we learn that our parents will help to meet our needs of food, cloths, and love.

When we start school, we step into a whole new world that is completely foreign to our experiences. And with the encouragement of parents, who are trusted people, slowly we are eased into that new world, even with fear and trepidation at the same time. And with a little more time, trust is established amongst our peers and toward our caregivers. This becomes an established pattern, which becomes easier with experience, followed again and again, year after year, as children change grades, classes, teachers, and peers.

In relationships, as we become drawn to the opposite gender, we often muster up courage, taking a leap of faith, to approach potential mates and put ourselves out there in order to establish a love connection. Some people get shot down, while others seem to flourish in that area. But even with rejection, most still willingly put themselves out there again when they find someone they are attracted to.

When we drive a car, answer a phone, turn on a television, take on a job for compensation, we also have faith that the car will take us from point A to point B, that someone's voice will be on the other end of the phone, that shows will appear on the screen before us to entertain us, and that we will be paid the amount we were promised for the work we do.

The point here is that the first time we do anything new in life, it takes leap of faith. After that first time, we have experience to back up the next time we must make the same kind of choice. That experience can make trusting, or taking that leap of faith, a much easier task the second time around.

All of these experiences, when we first encounter them, are the unknown. We have never faced them and have absolutely no experience with them. So when we face them, as we've pointed out throughout this portion of the blog, we take a leap of faith, as we walk into the unseen.

Faith and The Empath

An Empath is generally defined as someone who is hypersensitive to the emotions and emotional states of those around them at any given time. There are numerous ways this hypersensitivity can be brought about, but much of it comes though some kind of conditioning in their lives, which tends to force the Empath to be focused outwardly more so than inwardly. In other words, they focus more on other people rather than themselves.

One potential trait that comes with this hyper focus directed at others is low self esteem. Low self esteem is a low overall evaluation or appraisal of one's own worth. And while this kind of self image problem can come from may directions, often times it develops through our interactions with others and is dependent on how we are perceived, encouraged, and treated. And this tends to be based on the experiences one has from the developmental (toddler) years into adolescence, which is where we tend to develop how we see ourselves.

One of the biggest issues with the trait of low self esteem and low self worth, is a defeatist mentality. Instead of taking leaps of faith, a person suffering from this trait will often find ways to sabotage anything good that comes their way, simply on the belief that they can't do it or they don't deserve it. And it may not even be a conscious action, and instead be an instinctive reaction, as though to recoil from a hot stove.

In relationships, both romantic and not, the person will tend to draw to them those that reinforce their own self image. More often than not, this is also not a conscious desire. No one would like to imagine that they draw toxic people to them because they do not believe they deserve anything better. But we all play a part in drawing to us those that we call friends and lovers.

In this kind of reinforcement of negative self image, there is hesitation to take a leap of faith, and instead stay in the comfort zone which has been developed over one's lifetime. It is a mentality that says it is safer to stay in the light where everything is known, instead of walking into the unknown. And this mentality can carry on even to the detriment of a person's own health and well being.

Another issue that can arise out of the trait of low self esteem in an Empath takes us back to the definition of the Empath. It is selflessness. By being hyper focused on the plights of others, their emotions, emotional states, and situational circumstances, they get a two fold blessing of sorts, at least on the surface. They get to do outreach for others, which in turn makes them feel good about themselves. And they get to avoid their own issues, allowing them to be secondary to the issues of others.

But again, this is not a leap of faith. Often times, this is simply a temporary salve to their own wounded self images, as they are given praise and thanks for their support, which must be reinforced over and over again. This, in turn, becomes a pattern of behavior repeated in the hopes of reassuring themselves of their own value. While beneath the surface of that perceived self image, which was created and is sustained on the praise of others, all of the person's real issues lay festering within them causing them fear, anxiety, stress, and depression.

Empaths can be a great salve to others wounds. And they will willingly take a leap of faith for someone else, even to their own detriment. But in doing, they often forget to see themselves as people in need of help and love, as well. Thus they can perceive themselves as someone unworthy of taking a leap of faith for, by them for them.

Empathy begins with oneself, and expands outwardly. And that takes a huge leap of faith. So think about it. ^_^

“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”

~~Gail Devers

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”

~~Patrick Overton

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”

~~Mary Manin Morrissey

Nostalgia

2010-09-28T01:49:00.000-07:00

"Teddy told me that in Greek, nostalgia literally means, 'the pain from an old wound'."

So let's take a look at nostalgia, old wounds, our memories, and the places we go in our minds.

The definition of nostalgia, according to wikipedia:

The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form. The word is a learned formation of a Greek compounds, consisting of νόστος, nóstos, "returning home", a Homeric word, and ἄλγος, álgos, "pain" or "ache".

Sometimes it is brought on by a sudden image, or remembrance of something from one's childhood.

Now I want you to watch this.

Mad Men ´The Carousel´ from Emilio on Vimeo.

Nostalgia. The pain from an old wound. A device that takes us to a place that we ache to return to again. To a place where we are cared for. To a place where we are comfortable. To a place where we know we are loved.

It pulls at your heart. It brings images to mind. You feel those emotions again: the love, the security, the comfort. But there is also a pain there. A pain to return to those times. An ache.

Part of the reason why nostalgia is so potent is that we are actually mourning the loss of those times, and that wounds us in a way. Healing those wounds is a difficult and long process, depending on the severity of the wound. It takes time. But in an ever changing and fast-paced world, many times we don't give ourselves enough time. We believe that not ever thinking about it or talking about it will make everything all better. We mourn the passing of those good times, just like we would mourn the passing of a close friend or family member. Like a man who suddenly breaks down two years after the death of his wife by simply smelling her perfume again.

Small subtle things like a certain smell or even a word can provoke the feeling of nostalgia. It suddenly brings to mind images and memories. We get 'lost' in nostalgia. Lost in remembrance of those times. Like movies in your mind that you replay over and over.

We may get lost in nostalgia when looking through relics of our past. Toys, music, posters. Returning to those old times, and feeling what we felt then, good and bad. It's that same ache, that same pull, that same twinge.

We all have times in our lives where we feel indestructible, whether that's from our childhood, our teenage years, or even times in our adult life. Times are absolutely perfect. These are times when we feel loved, when we feel we have value and worth. When our mothers or fathers pick us up and spin us around, or when we come home to find our lover waiting with something special planned, or even when you just went out and had a few beers with some friends.

But this is only half of the equation. Why do we seek to return to those times so much?

Wikipedia defines:

Escapism is mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant or banal aspects of daily life. It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to help relieve persisting feelings of depression or general sadness.

Reminiscing is a form of escapism. We don't like the time we are in right now, so we seek to 'escape' from it. This can take many forms, such as reading, playing video games, watching TV, watching a play, any action that takes us away from our present moment in time can be considered escapism. This is not to say that any of the actions above, or even escapism is a bad thing. Escapism is mainly used to deal with boredom. But like all things, it can be taken to an extreme.

This extreme would most likely be seen in someone who is considered to be living in the past. Always thinking about times that have long since gone by. They may always refer to a time when something good happened, they always tell the same story over and over, or they might even refuse to move on from some situation or idea. This would be the nostalgic form of escapism taken to an extreme. The person is always trying to relive that time that they perceive as better than the present moment, even if the time in question wasn't any better at all. They key point here, is that the present moment isn't seen as a time worth living in, a time that is pleasant. This can be caused by many things, but more often than not, it's because the person in question has a lack of self-esteem. It's difficult to live in the present if you don't like the person you're spending time with. A lack of self-esteem causes the person to think negative thoughts about themselves, which in turn causes negative feelings like a sense of anxiety, which leads to a desire for escapism such as nostalgia; to try and live in a time when things were better.

So it seems that with nostalgia, we only appreciate things after they're gone, but this isn't true. Looking back and appreciating the things you miss can help you form a pattern; to look back and see the things that truly mattered. We don't get nostalgic over bills or taking out the trash. We don't get nostalgic over our arguments or petty quarrels. We get nostalgic over moments of love, of comradary, of laughter and light-heartedness. And yet these moments are often the ones we don't fully appreciate or take advantage of.

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Author Unknown

Developing Empathy

2010-09-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

On this blogsite, we've talked about all kinds of gifts. We've shown you ways to enhance those abilities, as well. So, considering this is a site meant to help teach Empathy, I thought it'd be a good idea to do a blog on developing the gift of Empathy.

Now, one might ask the question "Why cultivate Empathy?", because some people find the gift of Empathy harrowing and difficult to cope with/manage. But developing Empathy through these tools does not necessarily mean you will become an Empath who is hypersensitive to the emotions/emotional states of others. This is simply a means to cultivate what is already within you...your Empathic Nature, which everyone is born with whether they are an Empath or not.

So let's start out by looking at some of the benefits of cultivating the gift of Empathy and move on from there.

5 Reasons to Develop Empathy

Empathy is the cornerstone of effective communication. It can expand understanding and convey values and recognition of needs (which is what every communication is essentially about).
The ability to “step into another’s shoes” deepens and broadens our perspective-taking skills. We develop greater capacity to see outside of our own narrow windows on the world. When we do this, our relationship skills grow and our ability to generate creativity and ideas increases.
Empathy begets other self-supportive emotions. When we cultivate greater empathy in our lives (for self – and others), we enable the triggers of other nurturing emotions like: contentment, satisfaction, confidence, courage, compassion and dare we say – love. Studies have shown that when we experience these emotions they act as an antidote to the detrimental hormones released from stress.
Increasing your capacity for empathy is critical if you want to be a better listener – and increase your skill at responding to conflict. Empathy is the quintessential “joining” emotion. It can bring us together at an emotional level even when we disagree with another person. People in triggered ”negative” emotional states can’t really hear and solve problems on a “rational” level until they switch from their emotional brains to their pre-frontal or thinking brains. Our ability to convey understanding through empathy can be instrumental in supporting that process.
Demonstrating empathy is contagious. Yes, that’s true. Along with the discovery of mirror neurons, neuroscience has also found that emotions can be contagious. Road rage is a good example of anger contagion. New studies show that kindness and altruism can model positive feelings and behaviors in our workplaces, families and the society in general.

Ways To Cultivate and Enhance The Gift Of Empathy

Empathic Listening

Empathic listening, also known as active listening, is a method of listening that involves understanding both the content of a message as well as the intent of the sender and the circumstances under which the message is given.

Utilizing Empathic Listening

You are listening with full attention to the sounds, and all other relevant signals, including:

tone of voice
other verbal aspects - e.g., pace, volume, breathlessness, flow, style, emphasis
facial expression
body language
cultural or ethnic or other aspects of the person which would affect the way their communications and signals are affecting you
feeling - not contained in a single sense - this requires you to have an overall collective appreciation through all relevant senses (taste is perhaps the only sense not employed here) of how the other person is feeling
you able to see and feel the situation from the other person's position

You are also reacting and giving feedback and checking understanding with the speaker. You will be summarizing and probably taking notes and agreeing the notes too if it's an important discussion. You will be honest in expressing disagreement but at the same time expressing genuine understanding, which hopefully (if your listening empathy is of a decent standard) will keep emotions civilized and emotionally under control even for very difficult discussions. You will be instinctively or consciously bringing elements of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and Transactional Analysis into the exchange. It will also be possible (for one who knows) to interpret the exchange from the perspective of having improved the relationship and mutual awareness.

Developing Empathy

Put yourself in someone else's shoes by trying to imagine another person's plight. One of the best ways to develop compassion is to put your self in their shoes. What would it feel like to be them.. to have had their experiences, to live their lifestyle, etc. Though it is not possible to actually feel someone else's pain completely, it is important to convey some feelings of understanding to the person.
Cultivate Compassion. In order to begin to develop empathic ability, it is essential to care how someone feels. When we have compassion, we attune to the needs and feelings of the person we want to help. When we resist the energies, need and feelings of another, it is pretty hard to really open your self to them enough to know what is going on.
Do some self examination. It is important to understand one's own personal biases, values, desires and concerns. It is equally important to stay connected to one's feelings. Self-awareness will help one determine how to interact with others.

Your Self-Talk. How do you talk to yourself? What do you say and how do you say it? When you “fall short” of your own expectations, how do you treat yourself? Unquestionably, the quality of our self-talk is connected to our ability to empathize with others.
Your Beliefs. This is a biggie. Your beliefs about everything filter your perspective, shape your feelings and show up as your behavior. So if you believe that so and so is a lazy slacker, you will be far less able to express any empathy towards him or her – even if some thread of it exists within you. Judgement blocks empathy – and the place to look for judgements is within your belief system.
Your Emotions. For example, how do fear and anger work for you. Just as there are emotions that enable the emotion of empathy to flow, there are several that impede it – fear and anger being the great gatekeepers. Because of the interrelationship between those two powerful emotions – they can be explored and their inner workings revealed together. Two quick examples: we may “fear” that if we demonstrate our empathy towards someone, we may be taken advantage of: and we may withhold our empathy when we also experience anger at someone’s behavior. Because most of us don’t have a great deal of experience “holding” multiple and seemingly contradictory emotions, we allow the more protective (at least to the ego) emotion trump the other.
Your Willingness to stay open and accept the caring, kindness and empathy others show you. Sometimes people are more willing to express these feelings towards others, than receive them. This is usually because allowing empathy in from others, can trigger other feelings like vulnerability that we are not used to experiencing.

Work on developing ease in being present to another person's pain without a desire to judge, blame or fix, while staying connected with others, even during difficult situations.
Be sincere. This means genuinely caring for the other person's well being. It doesn't mean you must approve of everything they do or believe. It simply means that you sincerely accept them as a fellow human being who is struggling, just like you.
Be helpful and learn to listen. Empathy is about listening... not just hearing. Hearing is simply the act of perceiving sound by the ear. Listening, however, is something you consciously choose to do. Listening requires concentration so that your brain processes meaning from words and sentences. Listening leads to learning, which translates into understanding when, refer to human relationships.
Give the other person your full attention. Try to have eye contact and open body language, even if the other person is not looking at you, still look in their direction. If is a person who is close enough to you, hold their hand, have open body language by directing your body towards the body of the other person.
Do not offer answers or solutions unless you are asked for them. If there is something that interferes with empathy is rushing into quick solutions. Most people only need to be listened to and validated.
Develop Your Heart Chakra. When our heart chakra is truly open, we have the experience of the woven-ness of reality. We are not as separate as we seem. When another person is in pain, we have the knowledge of their need, and may respond to it appropriately. Breathe in and out of your heart chakra. imagine it opening like a lovely flower. Feel all the love that has ever been given to you, and feel and see all those who have ever loved. Be sure to include animals, who are great teachers of unconditional love. Allow your heart to grow several sizes. Some gemstones that are helpful for opening the heart chakra are rose quartz, malachite, emerald and ruby.
Develop Your Third Eye Chakra. When the third eye is open, we can experience strong clairvoyance. Through it, we can perceive more clearly what is going on in the minds and hearts of those around us. When the third eye is closed, we tend to be more mental in our approach, and spend way too much time trying to figure things out instead of just "knowing." To open the third eye, sit quietly focusing on the third eye. While you attention is there, chant the mantra, "aum." envision light filling your skull, and emanating out of your third eye. After a time, if you like, you may ask a question, and allow a vision that represents the answer to appear in your mind.
Utilize meditation. Although some empaths would prefer not to have the ability, others wish to learn how to become empathic. The following meditation can help a person tune into their ability. The idea of this meditation is to get in touch with one's feelings, in order to help be in tune with the feelings of others.

After positioning yourself comfortably in a chair with the back having a good posture, start breathing deeply and calmly while letting the eyes gently close. Think of nothing else but the breath. Although there may be distractions in the mind, let them go and continue to only be aware of the breath while allowing the mind and body to relax.

Next, think of different times in life when something has happened that has caused a large emotional reaction. Go back to that time and relive it in the mind. Allow all the emotions felt at the time to come through and to be recognized. Are there any painful moments in life that have never been resolved? By recognizing them and feeling them, it becomes a way to try to resolve the issue and heal.

In being an empath, it's important to stay connected to one's feelings. Now, think of someone special in your life and something that happened to that person and how that person felt. Envision the occurrence in the mind and try to feel the emotions that the person felt at the time of the incident.

Mental Telepathy & The Empath

2010-09-18T06:23:00.000-07:00

When one thinks of Empathy and Empaths, sometimes one can not help but move over to the idea of telepathy. Telepathy, also known as thought-tranference, is the transfer of information through thoughts or feelings between individuals by means other than the five senses. A telepath is a person with the paranormal ability to read others' thoughts and mental contents.

Now what does this have to do with being an Empath? Telepathy can be considered another level of Empathy. It is one that incorporates not just feelings and emotions, but also actual thoughts, as well. So one could surmise that telepathic communication, instead of just empathic communication, gives one a broader and much fuller picture of what is going on inside someone because it is not just a sharing of emotions, which can, at times, seem to have no specific direction. It is the feelings along side actual thoughts, which tend to include situations from the past.

Empathy often is accompanied by Clairsentience (the ability to pick up information through smell, taste, touch, "gut feeling" or intuition) and Telepathy (the mind-to-mind communication of thoughts, feelings, and ideas). Telepathy is not just mind-to-mind verbal communication, but can also be images, pictures, or even dreams. These abilities are delicately interwoven to appear as if it is just one ability. Only with time and learning about the abilities and how they manifest themselves within you are you truly able to determine which is which.

Now let's expand this idea a bit to encompass a few other ideas within the spectrum of psychic abilities. Mind reading, clairvoyance, and precognition are all perceived through mental telepathy. Mental telepathy makes possible the "knowing" about past, future, or current events that are not supposed to be part of our present knowledge. When someone demonstrates an ability to send and receive information that is not part of their five ordinary senses, it is placed in the realm of "extra" almost as though it was bizarre or abnormal and not part of the human psyche or sense abilities. However, telepathic ability is available to all those willing to practice and learn how to increase this talent that is given to everyone at birth.

Isn't it interesting to see how all of these things can be interwoven with one another? While on the surface a person can appear to possess only one ability, beneath the surface it can be a whole matrix of gifts working in tandem to allow the person to experience the full spectrum of that ability.

Now let's look at a quick example of an fictional Telepath in the media. This example might be recognizable to some, and not so much to others, but you will find it a valuable example, either way.

Sookie Stackhouse, of the book series called The Southern Vampire Mysteries, by Charlene Harris, and the television series called True Blood, is a Telepath. Her ability is such, that she quite literally hears the thoughts of the people around her. If she focuses her gift on one person, she also has the ability to see the actual experiences of another person when they are thinking about it, much like one would if they watched a television show.

Now, this example seems obvious, I know. But real mental telepathy is not as clear cut as this example, sadly. People who experience this gift do not walk around, as though they have no mental filters, receiving the thoughts of every person they come in contact with. Alot of the time, it is a much duller sense where in a person feels errant emotions and gets random pictures that can be just as symbolic as they are literal. And it does not happen all the time. Nor can it be easily controlled and/or sustained on a regular basis.

You see, by the definition of the example, very few people experience telepathy, much less can lay claim to the title of Telepath. But reality is often different from what is portrayed in the media (books and television). Telepathy can be a very subtle gift for which one might not even realize they are utilizing.

So let's look at some ways to develop the gift of Telepathy.

Learning Telepathic Reception

For 10 to 15 minutes sit comfortably or lie quietly. Start by observing your thoughts get familiar with your own stream of thoughts, do not judge, make comments or follow a certain train of thoughts, it is here that some experience in concentration does help.
When you can very well distinguish your own flow of thoughts, you will discover underneath a layer of disconnected thoughts, images and even sounds.
It is difficult to say what you will get personally from this exercise, pictures may involves people you know or don’t know, voices can be familiar or unfamiliar, images can blink out.
Write description of everything you perceived, if it involves someone you know, you will have to verify with that person if what you received was a legitimate reception.
Not everything you will receive will be telepathic to get better with this, you have know your own energy better; that the way you will be able to separate telepathy, your energy and the imagination.

How To Develop And Use Telepathy

Believe wholeheartedly that you are telepathic and that you can develop your skills. Doubt has no place in any situation where you are trying to succeed at a task. This is especially true with telepathy, since skeptics are hardly ever able to uncover their talents in this area.
Ask a friend or relative who is not a skeptic to help you by focusing on a picture or object. You'll then try to focus on her thoughts and try to pick up whatever it is she is seeing. It's best if whatever she is looking at is able to evoke a powerful emotion, whether it be strong admiration, excitement, anger or any other strong feeling. This creates stronger waves of energy so you'll be able to pick up on it easier.
Relax your mind and try not to think too hard about picking up on what the other person is thinking or feeling. Concentration is actually counterproductive, since your mind must be open to receive whatever signals are being emitted.
Remove all distractions from your area of meditation. This includes clocks, watches, telephones, televisions and radios. All of these items can potentially break your concentration and seriously impede your ability to develop and use telepathy.
Record whatever image or concept of communication you may receive. It may help to have a journal nearby where you can sketch images or write down words that have popped into your head.
Analyze any emotion or abstract image you may receive. They may not make perfect sense to you at first, but as you become more familiar with your own abilities, you'll be able to interpret and understand your visions much quicker and easier.

More On Telepathic Techniques, Exercises, & Tips

Learn Telepathy
Learning Telepathy
Telepathy Exercises
Telepathy Training: Techniques and Tips
Telepathy For Beginners: How To Begin To Be Empathic

Video Resources For Empaths

2010-09-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

So, as always, I'm on the prowl for information, videos, and tools that can help Empaths in their development and growth. And in that pursuit, I found these lovely videos. This series is called: Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight. Watch them at your leisure, if you feel like it. ^_^

What Is An Empath?

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - How Empathic Are You?

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - Introduction

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - Gaining Control

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - Clear Feeling

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - Development and Enhancement

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - Mental Mediumship

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - The Force

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - Sacred Centers

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - Sensitives

Empaths: Keepers of the Heartlight - The Braid of Spirituality

Unconscious Motivations: The Secret Life Of An Empath

2010-09-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about hidden motivations. What are they? How do they apply to us, as people and as Empaths?

Motivation is defined as the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior. In simpler terms, it is what inspires us to act.

This can take specific forms such as incentive, like a prize, or punishment, as in the denial of privileges. It can also be based in less tangible forms like desires, dreams, needs and wants.

Examples:

1. Incentive: If I get good grades on my report card, I will be given money to spend how I wish.
2. Punishment: If I rob a bank, I could end up in jail.
3. Dreams: If I goto school for x amount of time and study these subjects, I can get my dream job.
4. Needs: I must work in order to buy food and have a roof over my head.
5. Wants/Desires: I want a new car, so I must work to save money for that dream.

Motivations can be obvious and straight forward, like these examples, which are aroused in the conscious mind where one is fully aware of them. Or motivations can be hidden.

Now, when we say hidden, what first jumps to mind is that the motivations are completely hidden from self, that is, it exists within the unconscious mind and has no direct impact on the conscious mind's awareness and behaviors. Another way to put it is that the conscious mind has absolutely no awareness of these unconscious motivations which drive them to enact certain behaviors. But, beneath the auspice of 'hidden motivations' which so often lay within the subconscious mind, there are motivations which the conscious mind perceives, if only in a peripheral sense.

So let's explore these ideas and then look at how they can impact someone who is hypersensitive and Empathic.

Unconscious Motivations

Unconscious Motivation refers to hidden and unknown desires that are the real reasons for things that people do.

An example is when someone is unable to stay in a long-term relationship and always finds a reason to break off his relationships. He may insist that there is a rational explanation for leaving a relationship, but his actions may actually be driven by an unconscious desire for love and belongingness, and an overwhelming fear of rejection. Deep down, he wants and needs to be in a loving relationship, but he find ways and reasons to put an end to the relationship so as to avoid being rejected.

Now, after reading that short example, do these things begin to make sense? Either way, let's go deeper into it.

The first person to theorize on the idea of unconscious motivations was a man named Sigmund Freud, who was the father of what is known as Psychoanalysis in psychology. Psychoanalysis can be defined as:

A family of psychological theories and methods within the field of psychotherapy that work to find connections among patients' unconscious mental processes.

A method of treating mental disorders through investigating emotional conflicts and childhood repressions by getting the patient to talk freely, examining his or her dreams.

A talking therapy introduced by Dr. Sigmund Freud which involves the analysis of dreams, childhood experiences, etc.. to overcome present problems. It is founded on the belief that unconscious, repressed instinctual drives and negative early childhood experiences are mainly responsible for an individual's problems.

According to Sigmund Freud’s theories of human behavior, he asserts that most of human behavior occurs as a result of desires, impulses, and memories that have been repressed into an unconscious state, but control human actions. He believed that our minds consists of a tiny conscious part that is always available for direct observation and subconscious part that is responsible for determining human behavior. For example when someone displays negative attitude towards something, he/she is always expressing his unconscious feelings of dislike.

Now, I know this is alot of information to take in. And you might be wondering how the heck this applies to you, so let's look at a case study to see how it might apply to you. And then we will explore some of the potentially unhealthy issues that can arise from unconscious motivations through early childhood programming.

Samantha

When Samantha was a child of 5, she lived with her mother and her mother's boyfriend. Her father had long since disappeared from her life. Her mother worked long hours to support her family, so upon coming home, was was thoroughly exhausted and had little time to spend with her daughter. This left Samantha in the care of her mother's boyfriend, Michael.

Michael did not care for children all that much, so he would often get frustrated with Samantha when she didn't obey the rules he set for for her. This frustration would turn into anger and that anger would turn into punishment. The resulting punishments would be harsh and often times abusive in nature. He would scream at the top of his lungs at her, calling her names like 'stupid', 'idiot', and 'burden'.

At first, Samantha, who was not used to this kind of treatment because it had just been her and her mom up until that point, would goto her mother and complain about this mistreatment. But Samantha's mother would dismiss it out of hand, assuming that the child was hypersensitive and was overreacting to being punished.

As time wore on, Samantha stopped talking about the punishments all together. She believed it was useless to complain about it and simply shut that part of herself down. She learned to hide the bruises that appeared on her when she started school. And she repressed that part of her life as she interacted with friends socially.

At the age of 15, Samantha met a boy by the name of Billy. He was slightly older than she was, drove a car, and was extremely popular amongst their peers at school. He was smart, an athelete, and drop dead gorgeous (in her estimation). And when he started flirting with her, she felt so lucky to have been chosen by him, she immediately began to date him.

Everything seemed perfect at first. She couldn't have imagined being happier, particularly after what she had suffered in her life up till that point. Being with Billy took the edge off going home to face Michael, who was by this point her stepfather. He seemed like the salve to her wounded heart and soul.

But after about month of this bliss, Billy began to change when they were alone together. He started frustrated with her. And because she had been through this kind of frustration before with Michael, she began to attempt to please him in any way she could in order to hold onto those feelings she felt at the beginning of the relationship. His frustrations soon turned into anger, though, despite her best efforts.

He began isolating her from her friends and peers. He told her she was nothing without him and that no one could love a slut like her but him. He said she should feel lucky for whatever he gave her. And beyond such words, he became violent. One occasional hit escalated into severe beatings. Beatings began to include sexual assaults.

And these things continued for years, as they dated throughout high school and up to the point where they graduated and moved in with each other. That is, until one day she realized, without a doubt, that she was going to die. Staring into the mirror finally showed her each bruise he had marked her with, in the name of love. So she left him and went home to her mother.

By this time, around the age of 20, Michael had passed away and Samantha's mother lived a quiet life alone. So having her daughter back home was not burden on her. But even as mother and daughter cohabitated together, Samantha was withdrawn from her.

Samantha began looking for a job, but always failed to get it. She contemplated school, but never followed through with it. She attempted to dream of something to do with her life, but always the future seemed murky and undefined.

Her relationships ended quickly. She always found some reason or rational for breaking it off with her partner.

When she did go out socially, she wore a mask with a smile on it. But inside she felt as though no one truly understood what she was going through. She looked at her friends and wondered how they could be so carefree and self absorbed. And she felt guilty and jealousy as those around her had dreams for the future, romantic relationships, and seemed to take delight in the things around them.

All of this left her wondering what she had done to deserve such a fate. She would ask herself, over and over again,what she had done that was so horrible to be punished this way. And she felt helpless to change it, even as she watched it happen to herself time and time again.

Now this case study might seem harsh, and honestly it is. No one wants to imagine someone's life being like this. No one wants to imagine all of that suffering. It's painful. But it's important, for the purposes of this discussion, none the less. So let's analyze it and look at some of the unhealthy psychological issues that arose out of her life, beginning with her early childhood programming.

The Analysis

Samantha's life began to change at the age of 5 with the inclusion of a new member in her family. This new person, Michael, took on a paternal role toward Samantha, which helped to define her perceptions of authority figures, how people interact with one another, and how love is expressed.

The physical, verbal, and psychological abuse were deemed unacceptable, by the young Samantha, at first because she had not been exposed to this behavior before the inclusion of Michael into her family unit in an authoritative capacity. Upon seeing her mother's reaction to her complaints of this treatment, which amounted to a dismissal of her concerns and fears, Samantha became more docile toward the behavior, gradually accepting it as a norm. She eventually even learned to enable it by hiding the the physical results of these behaviors from people who might have been willing to help her, such as teachers and friends.

This does not mean she did not suffer emotionally from the abuse. In her mind, she dreamed of someone 'saving' her from the life she led and the abuse she endured. And because she dreamed of fairy tales, he had to be beautifully packaged to perfection. So enters Billy, who fits her fantasy guy to the letter, at least on the surface. In her mind he takes on the archetypal role of the Knight In Shining Armor who will save her from her wretched life.

This fantasy endures within her, emboldening her to stay by his side and enable his behavior in the hopes that he will return to the man she first met and fell in love with. It is her hope, which makes how he treats her tolerable, even as it escalates into more violent behaviors.

But this behavior, of fantasizing and enabling, can be linked back further into her childhood to her stepfather Michael's treatment of her. Despite how she hates being abused, something inside her says that this behavior is acceptable on some level.

And it is only through the stark light of reality shining on her situation and the realization that death is close at hand, does the potential for the epiphany occur for Samantha. That epiphany is that there is no hope that he will change and that she must act if she wishes to live. So she does by returning home.

But even as she begins her life again with a fresh start, living with her mother, she discovers that she can not find work, her relationships with friends are strained by jealousy, and her romantic relationships fall apart quickly. She also discovers that she has no dreams for the future.

Having grown up the way she did, she was not able to dream of the future. From early childhood up into her 20s, her mindset was focused on survival in the moment, not on future dreams, desires, and wants. Her needs were secondary to those she saw in authority. So, having come to the point where she stands alone, without those authority figures standing above her, she is left in utter confusion, unsure where to go and what to do next.

This type of confusion can beget overwhelming fear, so much so, that it can quite literally control a person's life. It can paralyze them when they are about to succeed. It can set into motion a defeatist mentality which permeates a person's entire life.

This fear can also cause one to look on others, even those closest to you, with bitterness, jealousy, and resentment. It can cause one to push away from friendships and behave in ways one wouldn't normally do.

This fear can also be translated into romantic relationships, as a fear of rejection. This mentality is based off of the idea that if someone gets to close to you and sees you for who you really are, you will be rejected. And fear of rejection can make one react in haste by pushing away from one's partner, before they can discover these things and reject you.

So from within this overly long analysis, we can extract several psychological issues that can arise out of early childhood programming. But more than that, these are issues that can exist in a person and have underlying roots in their past, based on the same....early childhood programming. So let's explore some of them. But remember....what is offered here is not a complete list. Nor is it mean to be taken as a psychological evaluation of any kind. It is for informational purposes only.

1. Codependency

Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns. Codependency describes behavior, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or care taking.

Three Types Of Codependents

1. Caretakers--relate to others primarily through roles that put them in a position of the giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. “Everyone’s needs are more important than my own.”

2. Romance~relationship addiction--must be in a “relationship” and be “special” to someone in order to be OK with oneself; may use caretaking and sexuality to gain approval/acceptance; goes from relationship to relationship. “You’re no one unless someone loves you.”

3. Messiah complex--savior of the family, church, world; over-responsible, doesn’t ask for help, tries to make self indispensable.“If I don’t do it. it won’t get done.”

2. Defeatism

Defeatism is defined as an attitude of accepting, expecting, or being resigned to defeat. What this means is that a person becomes resigned to the probability of defeat so they give up quickly after only trying for a short time, half heartedly, or not at all. The mentality says that if you accept defeat before it arrives, you can you can prevent the hurtful feelings that arise out of rejection from other people, be it work related or personal.

3. Victim Mentality

A Victim Mentality is one where a person blames everyone else for what happens in their own life/world. Another definition, not as commonly used, is one that says a person thinks the future only holds bad/negative things for them. What this means is that we seem to become victims of our friends, family, lovers and associates. We seem to become victims of fate and destiny.

But often times, this simply is not the case. This is an overestimation of blame pushed on things outside ourselves, as a means to shield ourselves from blame. And when this occurs...when one adopts the archetype of the Victim, it becomes hard to tell when one is truly being victimized and when one is pressing blame on the world, which should sit equally and/or squarely on their own shoulders.

4. Psychological Repression

Psychological Repression, also psychic repression or simply repression, is the psychological attempt by an individual to repel its own desires and impulses towards pleasurable instincts. Such desires, impulses, wishes, fantasies or feelings can be represented in the mind as thoughts, images and memories. The repression is caused when an external force puts itself in contrast with the desire, threatening to cause suffering if the desire is satisfied, thereby posing a conflict for the individual; the repressive response to the threat is to exclude the desire from one's consciousness and hold or subdue it in the unconscious. Repression plays a major role in many mental illnesses, and in the psyche of average people. Repression is an involuntary or unconscious process.

Another way this is described comes from the book Changing Minds, by David Straker, where it says:

Repression involves placing uncomfortable thoughts in relatively inaccessible areas of the subconscious mind. Thus when things occur that we are unable to cope with now, we push them away, either planning to deal with them at another time or hoping that they will fade away on their own accord.

The level of 'forgetting' in repression can vary from a temporary abolition of uncomfortable thoughts to a high level of amnesia, where events that caused the anxiety are buried very deep.

Repressed memories do not disappear. They can have an accumulative effect and reappear as unattributable anxiety or dysfunctional behavior. A high level of repression can cause a high level of anxiety or dysfunction, although this may also be caused by the repression of one particularly traumatic incident.

Some examples of Repression are:

A child who is abused by a parent later has no recollection of the events, but has trouble forming relationships.
A woman who found childbirth particularly painful continues to have children (and each time the level of pain is surprising).
An optimist remembers the past with a rosy glow and constantly repeats mistakes.
A man has a phobia of spiders but cannot remember the first time he was afraid of them.
A person greets another with 'pleased to beat you' (the repressed idea of violence toward the other person creeping through)

5. Dissociation

Dissociation is a partial or complete disruption of the normal integration of a person’s conscious or psychological functioning. Dissociation can be a response to trauma or drugs and perhaps allows the mind to distance itself from experiences that are too much for the psyche to process at that time. Dissociative disruptions can affect any aspect of a person’s functioning. Although some dissociative disruptions involve amnesia, the vast majority of dissociative events do not. Since dissociations are normally unanticipated, they are typically experienced as startling, autonomous intrusions into the person's usual ways of responding or functioning. Due to their unexpected and largely inexplicable nature, they tend to be quite unsettling.

Another way this is defined is:

Dissociation is a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Dissociation seems to fall on a continuum of severity. Mild dissociation would be like daydreaming, getting “lost” in a book, or when you are driving down a familiar stretch of road and realize that you do not remember the last several miles. A severe and more chronic form of dissociation is seen in the disorder Dissociative Identity Disorder, once called Multiple Personality Disorder, and other Dissociative Disorders.

6. Anxiety

Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry. Anxiety is a generalized mood condition that can often occur without an identifiable triggering stimulus. As such, it is distinguished from fear, which occurs in the presence of an observed threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats that are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.

Another view is that anxiety is "a future-oriented mood state in which one is ready or prepared to attempt to cope with upcoming negative events" suggesting that it is a distinction between future vs. present dangers that divides anxiety and fear. Anxiety is considered to be a normal reaction to stress. It may help a person to deal with a difficult situation, for example at work or at school, by prompting one to cope with it. When anxiety becomes excessive, it may fall under the classification of an anxiety disorder.

Emotional Symptoms Of Anxiety

Feelings of apprehension or dread
Trouble concentrating
Feeling tense and jumpy
Anticipating the worst
Irritability
Restlessness
Watching for signs of danger
Feeling like your mind’s gone blank

Physical Symptoms Of Anxiety

Pounding heart
Sweating
Stomach upset or dizziness
Frequent urination or diarrhea
Shortness of breath
Tremors and twitches
Muscle tension
Headaches
Fatigue
Insomnia

Anxiety born out of unconscious early childhood programming and expanded upon by experiences throughout life, if left untreated, can have a cumulative effect on a person's psyche. It can bring about issues called Anxiety Disorders. Here is a list of the different types of Anxiety Disorders that exist today:

Panic disorder : People with this condition have feelings of terror that strike suddenly and repeatedly with no warning. Other symptoms of a panic attack include sweating, chest pain, palpitations (irregular heartbeats), and a feeling of choking, which may make the person feel like he or she is having a heart attack or "going crazy."
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) : People with OCD are plagued by constant thoughts or fears that cause them to perform certain rituals or routines. The disturbing thoughts are called obsessions, and the rituals are called compulsions. An example is a person with an unreasonable fear of germs who constantly washes his or her hands.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) : PTSD is a condition that can develop following a traumatic and/or terrifying event, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, or a natural disaster. People with PTSD often have lasting and frightening thoughts and memories of the event, and tend to be emotionally numb.
Social anxiety disorder : Also called social phobia, social anxiety disorder involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule.
Specific phobias : A specific phobia is an intense fear of a specific object or situation, such as snakes, heights, or flying. The level of fear usually is inappropriate to the situation and may cause the person to avoid common, everyday situations.
Generalized anxiety disorder : This disorder involves excessive, unrealistic worry and tension, even if there is little or nothing to provoke the anxiety.

7. Low Self Esteem/Self Worth

Low Self Esteem can perhaps best be described as having a low opinion of oneself (either consciously or not), and/or feelings of being 'worthless'.

It can surface in thoughts and in feelings and will often appear to manifest physically - in body postures, actions and health.

All of this can result in:

Feelings of 'being stuck'
Low motivation
Low energy levels
Lack of physical activity
Potentially destructive behaviors
Depression
Feeling helpless to change anything
Relationship difficulties: Low self esteem and divorce are unhappy partners.

Behavior Pattern Of Low Self Worth

~External

General lack of participation.
Negative commentary/responses to questions.
Sluggish physical behavior.
Excessive use of activities for escapism (TV, Videos, Internet, Video Games, Reading). Be careful of overanalyzing here as this alone is not an indicator.
Aggressive/argumentative behavior.
Indecisiveness.
Unwillingness to try anything new (anything from new food through to goal setting).
Inability to say no (needing to be liked/loved by others by saying yes).
Needing to prove self worth and 'status' by boasting, making public claims about capabilities (whether true or false).

~Internal

Negative self talk. ("I can't"; "I won't be able to ...").
Frequent future-based mental movies that end in disaster or unwanted outcomes.
Mental 'replaying' of past events where personally unpleasant outcomes were experienced.
Disassociation from success or high self esteem activities: Cannot mentally see oneself in that situation or by using self talk such as "That's not me ...".

Now, as we move through these issues, what we will find is that there are some that weren't expressed specifically within the case study of Samantha. But they are equally as important, none the less. So let's continue our list.

8. Aggression

Aggression is defined as forceful action against another person which may be physical, verbal, or symbolic, and is meant to cause pain. Such behavior may be hostile or destructive or it may be for self-protection. From this definition, what we find is that there are 3 types of Aggressive Behaviors.

Types Of Aggressive Behaviors

Verbal Hostility
The children's taunt "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" fails to account for emotional abuse carried out through verbal hostility. Verbal aggression includes behavior such as bullying, threats or yelling. The Mayo Clinic includes name-calling and insults under the category of domestic violence. Put-downs, intentional or perceived, can have profound detrimental effects on the recipients. Musician Karen Carpenter reportedly became anorexic after reading a review that called her "chubby." She died in 1983 of complications from anorexia nervosa at only 32 years old, according to Queen City News and OC Weekly.

Nonverbal Intimidation
Nonverbal intimidation often implies the threat of violence, at least in the perception of the person at the receiving end. Stalking often involves one or more forms of nonverbal intimidation, including following the victim, planting malicious software in a victim's computer, sending unwanted gifts and vandalism against the victim's property, according to Sexual Harassment Support. A famous example of nonverbal intimidation occurred during the movie "Fatal Attraction," when Alex kills her victim's daughter's pet rabbit.

Passive Aggression
The Mayo Clinic defines passive aggression as an indirect way of expressing displeasure or anger. Passive aggression is often generated by resentment on the part of someone who is unable or unwilling to express this resentment directly. Deliberately or subconsciously performing a task poorly is one form of passive aggression, agreeing to perform a task but failing to do so is another, according to Psychology Today. Procrastination can also be a form of passive aggression.

9. Prejudice

Prejudice is defined as interpersonal hostility that is directed against individuals based on their membership in another group. It is any unreasonable attitude that is unusually resistant to rational influence.

Three Types Of Prejudice

Cognitive Prejudice refers to what people believe is true. An example of cognitive prejudice might be found, for example, adherence to a particular metaphysical or methodological philosophy to the exclusion of other philosophies that may offer a more complete theoretical explanation. Example: One religion over another
Affective Prejudice refers to what people like and dislike. An example of affective prejudice might be found, for example, in attitudes toward members of particular classes such as race, ethnicity, national origin, or creed. Example: One race over another
Cognative prejudice refers to how people are inclined to behave. It is regarded as an attitude because people don't actually act on their feelings. An example of cognative prejudice might be found in expressions of what one would do if, hypothetically, the opportunity presented itself. Example: In the belief that one is smarter than another, the person condescends as they speak to the person deemed less intelligent. They talk down to them, as though they were a child.

10. Depression

Depression is a medical illness that involves the mind and body. It affects how you feel, think and behave. Depression can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply "snap out" of. Depression is a chronic illness that usually requires long-term treatment, like diabetes or high blood pressure. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or other treatment.

Signs Of Depression:

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
fatigue and decreased energy
feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
irritability, restlessness
loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
overeating or appetite loss
persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

11. Narcissism

Narcissism is a behavior which involve exclusive self-absorption. A degree of narcissism is considered normal, where an individual has a healthy self-regard and realistic aspirations. It is considered pathological behavior when the person tends to harbor an exaggerated sense of his own self-importance and uniqueness.

Characteristics Of Narcissistic Behavior

Grandiosity
The grandiosity a narcissistic person displays may be seen in overt behavior or in a preoccupation with fantasies. She may exaggerate achievements and talents or be preoccupied with fantasies involving infinite success, power, brilliance, beauty and ideal love. A narcissist also often requires much admiration and struggles with envy.

Entitlement
A narcissist may believe he is special, so certain rules and policies do not apply to him. He may expect unreasonable favors and special treatment because of his extraordinary nature. A narcissist can also appear arrogant and conceited.

Lack of Empathy
A narcissist can be demanding and exploitative in relationships. She usually has trouble considering someone else's point of view and trouble showing compassion toward others. She may even show contempt toward people she believes are inferior to her. Because of her belief that she is special, she may think she can associate with and be understood by only others of her status.

Idealization and Devaluation
Idealization and devaluation are strongly characteristic of narcissistic defenses. A narcissist is often overly involved in comparing himself to others. When he fails to measure up, he may become depressed, ashamed and envious. To defend against an injured self-esteem, a narcissist engages in idealizing and devaluing. Idealization helps the narcissist regain a sense of specialness by association with another extraordinary person. When he devalues someone, however, he maintains his fragile self-esteem by feeling superior to the person devalued.

Unconscious Motivations & The Empath

Now that we've explored some of the hidden and unconscious motivations within people and some of the resulting behaviors, how does this apply to Empaths? Well, let's delve deeper into this idea by looking at a list of general traits that tend to apply to an Empath.

Here are 16 common traits of an Empath. Remember that these are generalisations and they may not always be obvious.

Empaths are quiet achievers but expressive in area's of emotional connection. They find that talking about emotional issues is a great outlet that aids in undertanding themselves and others.
Some empaths can be the opposite of what an empath 'should' be because they are overwhelmed or unable to handle emotion and what they feel in the world around them so they block their feelings.
They can be focused outward, toward what others feel, rather than themselves. This is a common trait to many people who have not gone through a process of self development.
They avoid disharmony caused by emotionally turbulent situations. This type of situation can easily create an uncomfortable feeling because an empath feels this emotion.
Empaths are emotionally sensitive to violence and general chaos.
Empaths are sensitive to loud noise and televison. In particular, television programs that depict emotional drama like the news and police shows.
Thery struggle to comprehend acts of cruelty and crime that involves hurting others.
They struggle to comprehend suffering in the world and are often idealists who theorise about fixing the worlds problems.
Are often found working as volunteers, with people, animals or the environment.
They are expressive so they can often be found in areas of music or the arts.
They often have the ability to draw others to them. This includes children and animals as they have a warmth and compassion that is beyond normal You may find that strangers always talk to you if you are an empath.
They can be good listeners as they generally have an interest in other people.
Empaths can be moody or have large mood swings due to overwhelming thoughts, feelings and emotion.
They are likely to have had, other paranormal experiences in their life. This could be astral projection, psychic ability or a variety of other experiences.
Empaths are daydreamers that have difficulty keeping focused. This is common with people who deal more IN emotion and neglect other area's of their mind.
Like many people on a spiritual path Empaths frequently experience déjà vu and synchronicities. This is something that occurs to everyone however empaths are often more aware and therefore 'look out' for it.

Let's analyze this trait list a bit, based on some of the behaviors we have listed above.

Look at number 2: "2. Some empaths can be the opposite of what an empath 'should' be because they are overwhelmed or unable to handle emotion and what they feel in the world around them so they block their feelings." Could this play on ideas of repression and dissociation a bit? Are there other behaviors it can be associated with?

Look at number 3: "3. They can be focused outward, toward what others feel, rather than themselves. This is a common trait to many people who have not gone through a process of self development." Could this play into ideas of codependency and dissociation? Are there other behaviors it can be associated with?

Look at numbers 4 and 5: "4. They avoid disharmony caused by emotionally turbulent situations. This type of situation can easily create an uncomfortable feeling because an empath feels this emotion.""5. Empaths are emotionally sensitive to violence and general chaos." Could these play into dissociation and anxiety? Are there other behaviors it can be associated with?

The point of looking at these traits is to discover that Empaths, while having many positive and wonderful qualities including the ability to genuinely empathize with others and support them emotionally, have many issues which they carry around with them, as well, which work in part to make them who they are psychologically. And alot of these issues rise out of the past, to be carried around as baggage in the now.

These things include what types of people we are drawn to for more intimate associations (romantic and otherwise), how we perceive ourselves, where we place the importance of our own needs in comparison with others, and how we interact with others (as equals or on higher/lower ground).

It does not take being abused, neglected, or suffering a severe trauma to be conditioned in this way. All of your cumulative experiences can build up to some of these more negative patterns of behavior. And this is particularly true for Empaths, who tend to draw not just people in need to them, but also more domineering and manipulative personalities to them.

We draw them to us because we are people pleasers who have a hard time standing our own ground and saying 'no' in the face of manipulation, anger, and guilt trips. This is true because we are not able to set emotional boundaries, so we very easily get lost in the emotional sphere of other people...effectively drowning in it and losing all sense of who we are.

So consider all that has been offered up here. It is an important lesson for people....and Empaths. ^_^

Self Expectation

2010-09-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything for quite some time. There are several reasons for this, but the main reason is simply that I could not think of anything worthy of writing.

I've also just spent quite a bit of time just thinking. And then I realized something. I had this great view of my next blog, an amazing topic that causes each and every reader to have the biggest epiphany of their life. That's what I wanted. That was my goal. And that was my intent.

And I never felt 'up' to the task of meeting that goal. It was a tough goal to try to meet. And each time I came up with a topic for a blog, it wasn't good enough. It wouldn't have that power I needed and wanted. So the blog was never written.

I had this incredibly unrealistic view of what I wanted, with no real procedure to get there. And slowly, that need to write was building up and building up.

And then I read something. It talked about how we naturally love to write, how we naturally love spelling and grammar, and how we ultimately love English, despite many people saying, "I'm no good at writing", or "I hate writing". We grow up with this expectation that we must write perfectly, and even that good grammar and good sentence structure and spelling equates to good writing, which is not true at all.

I've also had several experiences recently that support my views on reality, and how it's shaped. You can plan out your world, you can shape and design it as if you were the sculptor and creator, but what truly creates and shapes your world is not what you want, but what you need.

This blog exists because I realized that trying to write the most ground-breaking epiphany generating blog is unrealistic. This blog exists not because I wanted to write an amazing piece, but simply because I needed to write.

And the words that have never failed to ring true come from a famous song.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

Indeed, wanting is unstable. When we get what we want, we are happy, and when we don't, we are not. That is the definition of attachments. Of addictions, even. Fixating our emotional well-being on external sources, like possessions or the validation of others.

Shedding those attachments and addictions is also the core philosophy behind Buddhism.

"If your mind becomes firm like a rock, and no longer shakes in a world where everything is shaking, your mind will become your greatest friend and suffering will not come your way."

The mind also has an interesting effect on our world and how we perceive it. We have a tenancy to not look at the small details first, we look at the big picture. And instead of seeing steps up the side of a mountain, we see an unclimbable monster. And so long as we perceive the mountain to be impossible, so it shall remain.

However, that mountain is also made up of smaller parts. And while you might not be able to scale a mountain in a single stride, there are smaller hills and faces that make that mountain up. And those smaller faces are much more manageable.

The advice I've always heard about trying to accomplish large goals is to break them up into smaller goals. The advice I've always heard about coping with pain, or dealing with stress is to take it day by day. Coping with years of pain is hard. Coping with a day of pain is much more manageable, like climbing up one face of the mountain.

The same can be applied to this blog. I took it word by word, phrase by phrase, bit by bit.

And in not trying to write the most amazing blog and scale the biggest mountain, I did.

^.^

Personal Responsibility, Accountability & The Empath

2010-09-03T06:41:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about personal responsibility, particularly as an Empath. To do this, first we must understand what responsibility is, so lets define it.

Responsibility

1. The state, quality, or fact of being responsible.
2. Something for which one is responsible; a duty, obligation, or burden.

So according to these definitions, responsibility is about accountability. And in the case of personal responsibility, it is about accountability to yourself. What this means is that one takes responsibility for one's life, one's words, one's actions and one's behaviors.

I read a definition of responsibility once, that plays on the concept of accountability, that went something like this: Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. And this definition is important because many people, including Empaths, have an extremely hard time dealing with accountability and personal responsibility.

This is particularly true for Empaths, because there is such a constant bombardment of 'other' emotion flowing into them most of the time, that it can be confusing to differentiate who's emotions are whose. And when in an heightened emotional state, actions and behaviors can be rendered sometimes that might seem foreign to the Empath's personality. In simpler terms, if an Empath is overwrought through emotional contact with other people, it is easy for them to become caught up in those emotions and act on them without forethought.

And while this might be true, this situation makes it so easy to shift the blame for those actions and emotions to others, rather than admitting their part in it or owning up to them as their own, despite where they originated from. It is just as easy to deny completely the idea that those emotions and behaviors carry the possibility that they originated from the Empath all together.

Excuses

Do you remember as a child getting caught, by an adult, for doing something naughty and making an excuse to get out of it? Did it work? For some it probably did, while for others....mmm...not so much.

As we grow older, what one will find is that we begin to do this to ourselves, as much as to others. We do this because rationalizing thoughts, words and behaviors which can be seen in a harsh light, misunderstood, and give offense, even violence, takes the edge off of the action inside the human memory. It makes it easier to emotionally cope with and set aside.

But for Empaths, as much as anyone else, there is an underlying layer of emotion that is not seen by the outer world. It is repressed and avoided at all costs. That layer is coated in guilt, shame, misery, and self hate. One could characterize it as regret.

No one really wants to see that in themselves. And it's so easy to find distractions for it in everyday life. Even in those quiet moments, when we sit alone in contemplation, it is easy to rationalize those things, than to look into the mirror for to long.

The Mirror

I want you to try something. Go in front of a mirror and stand there, looking at yourself, for at least 30 seconds without looking away. Look into your eyes. Look at yourself.

You see all of what we are talking about, accountability and rationalization, translate into that one simple exercise. Feeling discomfort and looking away from the mirror often denotes guilt and shame, enough so that you can not stand before your own image for any relatively long period of time, even 30 seconds. It can feel like a an endless eternity that moves as slow as a snail.

But truly, it's not the mirror itself that is scary. It's only a reflection, after all. It's what is reflected back, in our own mind's eye, that gives us pause and reason to turn away. It is the fear of what will be seen there; the idea that if we see the truth and it's negative, others might see it, as well. It is fear of being ostracized and shunned for bearing those qualities that society finds unpleasing, distasteful, or abhorrent. It is the fear to be.....alone.

At first glance, it seems like you are attempting to transverse a gigantic ocean filled with guilt and shame. It seems hopeless because when you look down, all you can see are the dark depths of the unknown churning around you. And in that moment you forget how to swim, you panic, and the fear of drowning crystallizes inside you, holding you captive. But this is an illusion brought on by the fear.

The first step, Acceptance, is the hardest. And what seemed like an endless ocean when you stood before it, looks like a lake when you are in it and a pond once you are past it. Yes, you will have to swim. Yes, you will probably struggle. But it is no longer insurmountable.

When I look in the mirror, and see myself through my mind's eye, I don't like everything I see. But I still see it and acknowledge it. I've done things in my life I probably should be ashamed of and regretful about. I've done some bad things, you see, from the way I let myself be treated by others to the way I've treated others myself.

The moment the mirror stood before me, and I could no longer escape it, I felt like I wanted to die. I could only see darkness....all the bad things I'd done that had made me feel even more worthless than before. But after withering on the floor for a time, I had to start making some hard choices for myself and my family. And it has taken years to make peace with myself through acceptance of all of who I am, good and bad. And by bringing those things out into the light, I gave them a chance to heal instead of festering inside me, constantly eroding my confidence and dogging me in my dreams.

By allowing that to happen, we can find something important for ourselves:

The more I accept responsibility for the way my thoughts, words, and actions affect ME the more peace and power I experience in myself.

The more I accept responsibility for the way my thoughts, words, and actions affect OTHERS the more peace, connection, and power I experience in myself and with others.

The more I accept responsibility for the way my thoughts, words, and actions affect the WORLD the more peace, oneness, and power I experience in myself and in the world I live in.

The Bitter Mirror

Gaze no more into the bitter glass,

for eternity beckons as the time does pass,

where long ago visions echo and haunt,

and voices engraved upon the shattered heart,

belittle and taunt.

Dwell no more on realities past,

for the celestine future is infinite and vast,

where you walk into choices unbound,

and your footsteps tread upon memory's ground.

Learn from today and yesteryear gone,

and raise your voice high in futures resounding song,

for the future, today, and things that echo in recognition stark,

are the lessons you bear to light the way through the dark.

So dwell not upon the mirror that frames so complete

the totality of you where past and present meet,

and look to the stars in heavenly expanse,

for the future is limitless in one single glance.

Where you are complete, single, and whole,

and memories are naught but virtues to extol,

the journey you walked and the path that you tread,

of a life lived well, happy instead.

The Longing

2010-08-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

Longing....it's an interesting word, isn't it? It simply means: a strong persistent yearning or desire, especially one that cannot be fulfilled. To yearn for something, to desire it, to long for it like nothing else in the world. But when you get beneath the definition of the word, it raises within a person all kinds of things...memories, unfulfilled yearnings, instant gratification, pleasure, joy, envy, guilt, shame and even anger. That word alone, longing, can take you on a journey deep into yourself through your past, present, and even into the future.

I used to feel this pang of longing echoing through me...of loneliness...for freedom...for love....for understanding. I longed for a place to rest my weary head after a long and painful journey. I longed for a sanctuary to call my own....a light in the darkness.

That longing was enough to halt me in my tracks. It could leave me frozen as the world passed me by. And as it passed, the longing would grow because I would watch people walk in and out of my life, moving forward with theirs while mine seemed to stagnant in the same place...rooted and never budging.

Sometimes I still feel those pangs of longing, though they are now very few and far between. And it's like a moment of pure anxiety clawing at your stomach when it overtakes you. It brings you to your knees as though the harshness of reality is telling you that you have no place in it.

I believed in fairy tales, at that time, where the prince or knight saves the helpless damsel who is in distress and they live happily ever after. But it wasn't just limited to romance. I imagined there was someone...anyone really... out there who would be a savior for me..a guardian angel in the flesh if you will. Friend, family, lover, it didn't matter who or what relation they were to me.

And because I clung to that blissful fantasy, of a soul mate in whatever form they took, I started down a road I didn't even realize I was treading upon. I slowly began relinquishing control of my own life to other people. And the people I chose seemed to be perfection. But they weren't.

They were strong men and women, to be sure, but that perfection was nothing more than the sun shining brilliantly upon a pool of toxic waste. When the sun shines on it just so, it is as beautiful as any pool of water. But if you get to close you can see that the water is tainted. You can see the damage it causes to an ecosystem: dead fish, dead plants, mutated animals, unhealthy drinking water.

What do I mean? Once you step into a relationship like that, born out of the deep seeded need to escape because reality shines how much value you place upon yourself like a mirror and a dream that allows you to stay blind to that reality, you willingly hand control over your life to someone else. And you essentially tell them it doesn't matter what they do with that control as long as that dream can stay intact within you. Because in that dream there is hope...hope that he will change and hope that things will get better if you are just simply patient enough. Hope that he really is the savior the you long for.

That longing can take us down many roads we can not fathom as we stand here...right in this moment. It can drive us into behaviors we wouldn't dream of when we are not bound in a flood of emotions.

For me, what that meant is that I did things I never would have done before that longing: drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, and more. And it was all in the attempt to fill that void inside me which cried out in longing, all in the attempt to escape my inevitable fate of meeting myself in all of my shame, in all of my guilt, in all of my self loathing. All of this was because I did not want to see myself as I am and because I wanted to stay blind to the world around me.

But that's extreme, isn't it? My choices and experiences can not really speak to other people's experiences. Some might share in those experiences, but most people's longings do not take on such all consuming proportions, where it literally takes over the whole of your life as it did in case.

Instead we tend to feel it in increments, little by little, as it builds over time. And it happens in those random moments when we find ourselves alone and contemplative. And the truth is, it can happen to anyone, even the happiest of people who appear to have the 'perfect' life. Wealth, status, luck, romance....none of these things can keep one from feeling those pangs of longing. Because for all of the value we place on them, they are still superficial affectations which can only fill that void for a as long as one can remain in their 'dream'.

Imagine the mother who seems to have the perfect life. She has a hard working husband and 2 beautiful children that she truly adores. She has the gorgeous home she's always dreamed of. And yet, despite all of these things, she still feels an undefined longing for something just out of her reach.

Imagine the wealthy child of two very successful hardworking people, who lives in a mansion and has all of her needs met. Just because her needs are met, it does not mean she does not long for more time with her family...to be loved, to be coddled, to be cared for. Instead, she has known nannies and servants as her caregivers, because her parents are to busy with their work and their social lives to give her what she longs for. Money is no salve to that wound.

Imagine the man who is raised in poverty and dreams of doing something important with his life. And yet, he finds doors closed to him because he lacks the grades, money and/or status to rise above his present circumstances through educational means. So instead he turns to drug dealing to rake in the money. The money he makes might buy him the material things he wants and the drugs might allow him to forget his circumstances, but is he truly fulfilling that longing? Or is he simply paving over that longing with other things?

Imagine the teenager suddenly making the transition from child to adult. Imagine the fear and anxiety they must feel as they move into the adult world. Some do this with the safety net of their family's support, while others do not. But it does not change the fear and anxiety at facing so many new experiences on their own all at once.

My point in offering these examples is simple. Everyone experiences longing, despite age, race, wealth, status, and so on. It is part of the human condition. Sometimes it is undefined and hidden, only showing it's face when we are alone. Other times, it has definition and direction, consuming our lives in such a way that it changes the course of how we live.

What is it you long for? Do you even know? Have you ever stopped a moment to truly and earnestly consider the question? Or is it one of those things that you feel is best avoided because you think there is nothing you can do about it? How do you escape then?

Consider it, because in its reckoning, you will discover much about yourself that you probably didn't know before. Or perhaps you did but refused to acknowledge. Either way, though, think on it. It's well worth the introspection. ^_^

The Longing

In the darkness, I could not see

the demon which was clawing at me,

crying out to rise in haste,

while leaving me in mortal waste,

because this thing, I could not let go,

untouched seeds I would not sow.

So instead it came in dreams,

endless halls of running to extremes,

while haunted...chased, I ran in fear,

with screams of terror no one could hear,

for only one could hear my call,

which echoed through the endless halls,

that thing that chased me endlessly,

into a corner where I could not flee.

And there I stood in terror's grip,

letting not a single breath slip,

as it came to stand before,

while I crouched upon the floor.

And to that unknown entity,

I would not raise my eyes to see.

So it took my face in hand,

and raised it high to see the land,

and to my mortal eyes behold,

before me stood a mirror old,

and in it's breadth, there I stood,

no longer concealed beneath a hood,

that left me breathlessly distraught,

running away from all that I am naught,

and instead it stood to wait,

beckoning me to embody my fate,

for there came arms of tender embrace,

bringing finality to the endless race,

that I had run until that time,

where now I stood enshrouded in the sublime.

From the depths of the darkness unknown,

where I came to stand alone,

to face a nightmare demon it seemed,

I found instead myself redeemed.

For what was unseen, I did embrace,

leaving the endless cycle in a state of grace.

Empathy In Diversity

2010-08-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it can extremely hard to understand another person. This is particularly true when one comes up against cultural and/or religious differences, as well as, language barriers in a more international setting. But, this can also be the case within singular communities and local settings.

Take the United States, for instance. It is a country full of many different cultures, religions, languages, and moral mindsets. Within it, one does not even have to leave it's borders to come upon all kinds of diversity. So the question becomes, how do we show empathy through diversity, despite it's differences, situation and setting? How do we interact with others so that everyone feels as though they have been offered equal consideration and respect? And how do we stymie our own cultural/religious/moral mindsets, that tend to color our perceptions of the world around us and can sometimes prejudice us against others for any perceived differences, as we interact with such the diverse group of people that surround us? Let's look at this closer, shall we?

Empathic Communication

Empathic Communication is a set of skills which, when utilized, is a means towards healthy communication with others. And if done properly, it can engender those feelings within others, that their feelings have been taken into consideration and respected. So let's take a look at what helps and hinders this process.

1. Objectivity

One of the biggest things that hinders the process of Empathic Communication is when one has trouble feeling empathy toward other people. One reason people sometimes have trouble feeling empathy towards others involves their personal perceptions of the world (cultural, religious, political, social, etc.) and how they interpret and interact with the world through those perceptual filters. What this means is that our personal filters can, at times, prejudice us against people for any perceived differences, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. It can cause us to disregard or dismiss others out of hand, to be rude, to be aggressive, to be condescending, to be angry without cause, to be belligerent, or even, in an extreme form, to be violent.

How does one curtail these behaviors? The answer lays in keeping an objective mindset toward others as you interact with them. Being open minded means that you are not making assumptions and jumping to conclusions as you speak to someone. It means you are focusing on the person you are facing, actively listening as they speak, taking in what they say, and are respectful of their feelings, even if you disagree.

So try to keep an open mind as you interact with others. Allow yourself to see their point of view, without rash judgment. And try to stay objective.

2. Empathic Listening

Empathic Listening, which is also known as active listening, is a method of listening that involves understanding both the content of a message as well as the intent of the sender and the circumstances under which the message is given. It is a combination of:

Having the intention to connect
Focusing on clarifying the speakers needs first
Remembering that criticism is someone's poorly expressed feelings and unmet needs.
Checking the timing before offering your feelings, suggestions, corrections, etc.

In saying this, it is important to understand the benefits and process of Empathic Listening, because it plays such a vital role in the overall process of Empathic Communication. So now lets explore some the benefits of Empathic Listening and the process by which it is done.

The Benefits of Empathic Listening

Here is a list of benefits that arise through empathic listening.

1. builds trust and respect,
2. enables the one in need to release his/her emotions,
3. reduces tensions,
4. encourages the surfacing of information
5. creates a safe environment for sharing and problem solving

The Process of Empathic Listening

1. Give the person you are connecting with your full attention. Remember that the person in front of you is your sole focus at this singular moment in time. Multitasking, is a great thing, but not appropriate when working empathically with another person, particularly when practicing empathic listening. Their problem is in your hands, so your understanding and your time are reversely in theirs.

2. Do not speak when the other person is in the middle of communicating their issue. Empathic listening means that it is your job to actually hear what is being said, and reach to the heart of the topic to achieve full understanding of the situation. In doing this you need to find out specifics such as who is involved, what the actual problem is, and what are the extenuating circumstances that circle the problem. All of this information goes to help you give the best informed resolution you can find. Without it, perhaps through the act of not listening closely enough, you might miss an intrinsic part of the problem.

3. Offer a summary of what you have heard to the speaker, when they are done talking. This means you take what you have heard and reword it, offering them a summarized version of what they have said. It need be no more than an outline going over all of the most important key points of their problem. This affirms to them that you were listening, and reaffirms to yourself what you heard.

3. Empathic Concern

Wikipedia says this about Empathic Concern:

Empathic concern refers to other-oriented emotions elicited by and congruent with the perceived welfare of someone in need. These other-oriented emotions include feelings of tenderness, sympathy, compassion, soft-heartedness, and the like. Empathic concern is often and wrongly confused with empathy.

To empathize is to respond to another's perceived emotional state by experiencing feeling of a similar sort. Empathic concern or sympathy not only include empathizing, but also entails having a positive regard or a non-fleeting concern for the other person.

What this means is that not only do you try to see from another person's point of view and feel what they feel, we also feel genuine concern for their well being enough to actively listening without falling into any of these obstacles.

10 Obstacles to Empathic Communication
Some common forms of communication that block empathy and take the focus away from the speaker

1. Giving Advice / Fixing: Tell the other person what you think they should do.
“I think you should leave your boyfriend and find somebody else to be with.”
2. Analyzing: Interpreting or evaluating a person’s behavior
“I think you are taking this out on your ex-wife when you are actually frustrated about your divorce.”
3. Storytelling: Moving the focus away from the other and back to your own experience.
“I know just how you feel. This reminds me of a time that I…”
4. Sympathy: Either feeling sorry for other, or sharing my own feelings about what they said.
“Oh, you poor thing… I feel so sad for you.”
5. Reassuring / Consoling: Trying to make the person “feel better” by telling them things will improve.
“You might be upset now, but I’m sure you will feel better soon.”
6. Shutting Down: Discounting a person’s feelings and trying to shift them in another direction.
“Quit feeling sorry for yourself,” or, “There is no reason to feel that way!”
7. Correcting: Giving the person your opinion or belief about a situation.
“Wait a minute – I never said that!” or, “You don’t remember this accurately.”
8. Interrogating: Using questions to ‘figure out’ or change the person’s behavior.
“When did this begin?” or, “Why did you decide to do that?” or, “What got into you?”
9. Commiserating: Agreeing with the speaker’s judgments of others.
“I know what you mean – your cousin is one of the biggest jerks I have ever met!”
10. One-upping: Convincing the speaker that whatever they went through, you had it worse.
“You think that’s bad? Let me tell you what happened to me when I was in that situation!”

4. Assertiveness

Inside the blog post called The Art Of Being An Empath: Empathy and Assertiveness we learned that assertiveness has much to do with empathy. We will only linger on this subject to add that Assertiveness is described as:

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries, their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them through fear. Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive.

When we act assertively, instead of aggressively and/or passively, in any type of interaction with others, we give consideration and respect to the other person's thoughts, emotions, and perceptions. We respect their personal boundaries and do not attempt to manipulate them. We do not condescend. We stand on equal footing with that person, all the while, maintaining our own personal boundaries and preserving our own thoughts, emotions and perceptions at the same time.

You see, part of Empathy, particularly when discussing diversity, is the ability to stand on equal footing with another person instead of standing above or below them. Let's try and look at this from another perspective called Transactional Analysis.

Transactional analysis describes 3 different states of the ego and how they interact with one another. They are the parent ego state, adult ego state, and child ego state.

The parent ego state expresses the behaviors, thoughts and feelings of parental figures. Thus, it takes on a state of condescension because it approaches the other person as though they were a child in need of being taught, guided, or placated. It is a more dominant approach during an interaction with someone.

The child ego state expresses the behaviors, thoughts and feelings replayed from childhood. This ego state can manifest when it interacts with what it perceives to be a parent ego state, as it might have done with the adults in actual childhood. It takes a submissive role to the more dominant parent role.

The adult ego state expresses the behaviors, thoughts and feelings which are direct responses to the here and now. What this means is that when you are in the adult ego state you are in the present. You are aware of all of your options as the person you are, and you are in contact with whats going on in the here and now. You experience emotions in response to what is happening in the present. You are aware of what is real and what isn't. And you apply problem solving skills toward any problems that might arise. This ego state promotes the ability to ask for help and make healthy decisions and engenders intimacy and spontaneity.

If one adopts a parent approach in a discussion, they are more likely to get a child's reaction of anger, resentment, frustration, and disinterest. If one instead uses the adult approach they are more likely to receive an adult response from the other person. And this leaves both parties standing on equal footing, where empathy can occur. It facilitates respectful boundaries, empathic understanding, and the ability to be assertive at the same time.

Healthy Communication

In order to allow empathy in diversity, one must strive toward healthy communication. Here are some steps that will help you work toward that goal.

Steps Of Healthy Communication

Stay Focused: Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion more taxing and even confusing. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution.
Listen Carefully: People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your partner is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard. Then you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen to you.
Try To See Their Point of View: In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. Ironically, if we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain yours. (If you don't 'get it', ask more questions until you do.) Others will more likely be willing to listen if they feel heard.
Respond to Criticism with Empathy: When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.
Own What’s Yours: Realize that personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.
Use “I” Messages: Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.
Look for Compromise Instead of trying to ‘win’ the argument, look for solutions that meet everybody’s needs. Either through compromise, or a new solution that gives you both what you want most, this focus is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be happy with.
Take a Time-Out: Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or your partner starting to get too angry to be constructive, or showing some destructive communication patterns, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off. Sometimes good communication means knowing when to take a break.
Don’t Give Up: While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect, and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict. Unless it’s time to give up on the relationship, don’t give up on communication.
Ask For Help If You Need It: If one or both of you has trouble staying respectful during conflict, or if you’ve tried resolving conflict with your partner on your own and the situation just doesn’t seem to be improving, you might benefit from a few sessions with a therapist. Couples counseling or family therapy can provide help with altercations and teach skills to resolve future conflict. If your partner doesn’t want to go, you can still often benefit from going alone.